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2008-06-13 Mister Saint: Hi! Thanks for entering. I would like to make a few suggestions though. 2008-06-13 Ash: Thanks, the negotiation scene example wasn't really that clear so I was pretty confused. I don't know what to do for a prologue because this kind of just popped up. 2008-06-13 Mister Saint: Well, it's defined right there on the page. What don't you understand, and I'll try to clear it up? 2008-06-14 Ash: Well, she used the example with Nicholas cage with you you can't handle the truth so I thought it was a conflict sort of where one party gets what they want. 2008-06-14 Mister Saint: Absolutely! Also, the example was with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. If you haven't seen A Few Good Men you should; honestly, much of the movie is a chore, but the good scenes are excellent. 2008-06-14 Ash: Alright, thank you. 2008-06-21 Ash: How's this? 2008-06-22 Mister Saint: Very interesting take on it, actually. A poker game *by itself* is a great negotiation scene, but the added motive for Leslie is excellent. Good job! 2008-06-22 Ash: Thanks, it came from my dad watching clint eastwood movies. Thing is I'm still finding mis-spellings in it. 2008-06-23 Mister Saint: That's just fine; editing's a huge part of good writing! 2008-06-24 Ash: It is,, that's why I have friends...[Ash]: 102.Contests.S
Rating: 0.00 Uploaded by: Created: 2008-06-22 14:22:00Keywords: It's warm outside, our characters LESLIE, a young girl trying to find her long lost brother, and OFFICER KEITH, who is on vacation and who posses knowledge of LESLIE's brother, are playing poker under the shaded trow of LESLIE's mobile home.
Leslie
Three aces beats your three kings. Surrender the poker chips.
Officer Keith looks down disappointed, he pushes the small pile of red chips over to her.
Officer Keith
I'm gonna be outa poker chip soon, kiddo.
Leslie
Another hand then?
Officer Keith
Can we bet with like...
Officer Keith tosses a bag of potato chips on the table.
Officer Keith cont...
How about we play for actual chips?
Leslie
How 'bout you tell me where his last where abouts were, and I give you all of your poker chips?
Officer Keith
Now I can't tell you, under a promise I made. I keep my promises.
Officer Keith grabs up all the cards and begins to shuffle them. He looks over nervously at Leslie. Leslie smiles.
Leslie
You're a bettin' man, right?
Officer Keith
I am.
Leslie
I bet you the info on where he was last seen if-in I win. If-in you win, you get all the poker chips and the potato chips.
Officer Keith
These are my potato chips in the first place.
Leslie
I won them off you four minutes ago.
Officer Keith
Blasted! Fine, you got you little wager, missy.
Officer Keith offers his hand to Leslie, she shakes it violently and releases. Officer Keith deals the cards and they pick up their hands. We can see Leslie's, two jacks, and eight, a four, and a three.
Leslie
I'm puttin' in three.
Leslie tosses back the eight, the four and the three. Officer Keith tosses her three new cards, a queen, and two twos.
Leslie cont...
I'm done, no raisin' on this.
Officer Keith
I'm a keepin' my hand.
Leslie
Two Pair.
She lays her hand down.
Officer Keith
Well... looks like I lost.
Leslie
Location...
Officer Keith
Reno, just five days ago. Trails already went cold, you'll have no luck.
Leslie
Doesn't matter.
Leslie gathers up her hat which she puts on her head and starts for her car.
Leslie cont...
I'll call you from Reno.
Officer Keith lays down his hand which is a straight flush in spades. He smiles to himself.
Officer Keith (to himself)
She better find his ass and set 'im straight.
Officer Keith grabs all the cards and begin shuffling, getting ready to play solitaire.
This is only a negotiation scene in the barest sense; the characters really aren't negotiating, they're just shouting at each other. Abel isn't really trying to talk something out of her, it's plain he's there to kill her straight up. Consider working some subtlety into your scene.
It may not hurt to have a little prologue thing beforehand to give us an idea of what's going on, just a sentence or two. Having an idea of Abel's motivation might make it seem less like he's just giving a speech before he attacks her.
Easy on the exclamation points. Let your words convey all that exuberance instead. Also, check your grammar and usage; for example "seize her" not "cease her" and "onlookers" not "on lookers."
Very urgent scene, though! I can appreciate what's going on.
After I get this cleared up, could I re submit it changed to what it supposed to be?
I'll work on a better example tonight, and probably extend the deadline so you'll have plenty of time.