[Aradon Templar]: 240.Angels.Prologue

Rating: 0.45  
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Created:
2006-12-08 02:15:24
   
Keywords:
Angels in the Heavens
Genre:
Biographical
Style:
short story
License:
Free for reading
"Daddy? What's that up there?" The little girl's tiny fingers pointed toward the sky, a dark blue mass at this time of the night.
The father's eyes cast upward. Stars dotted the heavens, and the three moons had luminous glows, one blue, one white, the third a rust-red. "That's the sky up there," came the reply.
"What are those small dots, then? How do they stay up there?" He smiled at her curiosity.
"The dots are small cities. Did you know the angels lived there?"
"Angels?" her eyes shone with excitement. "How do they stay up there?"
"Just like you stand on the ground. It's not really upside down up there. There, they look at us and ask the same thing."
"Well, what are those big circles, then?"
"Those big cities are called moons. The red one is called Aria, the blue one Orin, and the white one Luna. That's where most of the angels live."
"Can we go visit the angels? I want to go to the blue one!" She giggled with glee at the idea, and the father found it infectuous.
"I'm afraid not," he laughed. "It's far away, and we don't know how to get there yet. But if we ever do, we'll visit them."
"If nobody can go there, how do we know that angels live there?" her once-happy expression was now filled with innocent puzzlement.
"We can't get there, but angels are special. A few of them can get here. Long ago, before even my grandfather was born, one visited us, and told us of their cities. He didn't want to make a disturbance, though, so he left again before word spread around."
"I want to see an angel too!"
Her father smiled, wondering how long it actually would be before technology was advanced enough to send them across the chasm of air. Not too long, reports said, but many these days knew better than to trust the public claims of technologists.

2006-12-07 Annie: This is a nice little story - the beginning of a novel?
Here were my 'thoughts while reading.' :P
() "The little girl's tiny fingers pointed towards the skies", toward actually doesn't have an s, and I think sky would sound better than skies...but that's personally preference. :)
()"Stars dotted the heavens, and the three moons had a luminous glow", If you are trying to say that the three moons had a luminous glow all together then this works...but since you go on to describe the glow of each moon I assume that you mean the three moons separately had a luminous glow so I would change it to "Stars dotted the heavens, and the three moons each had a luminous glow to them" or something.
() Curiosity not curiousity
() Put "'The dots are small cities....'" on a new line.
() On the second to last line "His father smiled", I think that should be "Her father smiled" or "The father smiled". :P
() Other than that I think it's a very cute story..the father obviously loves the daughter. Good way of introducing the names of the planets. I always struggle with introducing names.

2006-12-08 Aradon Templar: Thanks! Proofreading isn't something I do very much :P
Yeah, it would make a nice introduction to a novel, but I never continue my plots that far o.O

2008-03-13 Catalyst: Are you ever going to continue this?

2008-06-06 Aradon Templar: Not likely. Too much to do to actually write anything consistent.


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