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2007-04-24 Jenna Rose: I love this. Very emotional. 2007-04-24 Eleanor: This is nicely done with good rhymes and is very evocative, but you’ve made a couple of typos which need fixing: 2007-04-29 Sunrose: Thank you [Jenna Rose]! 2007-05-01 bloody kisses: Ooo, I like this. I wish i could hear your planned beat for it though...I can see some cool bands playing this. *nods* 2007-05-02 Sunrose: I have an issue with one sentence, other than that I'm not sure on a beat :P[Sunrose]: 3.My song
Rating: 0.80 Uploaded by: Created: 2007-04-29 11:13:32Previous:Keywords: Genre:RomanceStyle:poetryMy song
Mend my heart and mend my soul,
take my song and make it whole.
As the notes have fallen and the rhythm broke,
my voice flails and the melody cries with every stroke.
Your nearness is too much for me to bear,
everything you do makes me very aware,
that we are no longer together as one,
I can't figure out what it is that I've done.
When did it go wrong and why didn't I see,
that you stopped taking notice of me.
So many questions I have left to ask,
but you appear to be hiding behind your mask.
On my dresser the ring has been put to stay,
I took down your pictures from my wall today,
dreams and ideas of the future be gone now,
I want you out of my head but I don't know how.
Though in my heart you will always remain,
it's too soon and causes too much pain,
to be near you without calling you my own,
for now it's just going to be me alone.
Written 2007-04-24
Second stanza, first line, the word you want is bear, which means to stand, to abide; bare means to expose to the air.
Fourth stanza, the word is dresser; there is no such word as dressoir.
Have you considered using punctuation? It would be helpful for us to know what are real ends of sentences and what are just line breaks, if you know what I mean.
Whoops, I wasn't sure about bare/bear (kind of too lazy to look to up for confirmation >_>), the dressoir/dress
But hey thanks for the tips ^_^
I added punctuation, but meh..not sure it really makes it better :)