[dominique a]: 41.A Beat

When I lay down still, really still, sometimes I hear a beat. It's not that strong, really. Just a "beat... beat..." But I timed it once. It has a consistent rhythm of one "beat" every 2.5 seconds. Exactly every 2.5 seconds. Last night I timed it again. Still a single beat for every 2.5 seconds. No more, nor less. It's very rare, however, that I hear it beating that clearly, solo. Usually it is surrounded by so many other, different, louder pulses. I could always recognize it, that one, the smaller quieter one. Only a long time ago, very long, I could do it so much more easily. And then, one by one, came other noises, claiming to be that beat. The true one. I always used to laugh at them. No, you're not the heart beat, and neither are you. I know that one; I'd trace it from miles away. And then the "one" has become quiet for some time a little too long, perhaps, for I was starting to wonder whether it was one of those other noises all along, and I simply missed it. I HOPED that this wasn't the case, since I was always so certain and convinced that when the "one" wakes up, and even when it's asleep, if I listen carefully then I would hear it. That's the beauty of it, what I always liked about it. It never tried to sound louder than the rest of them, never tried to claim for its own place, always the quietest. No tricks, no games. Steady. It knew that I knew where to find it, or was it that it simply didn't care?? When did it ever need me, to beat, anyway? When did it ever ask for my help, my permission, my attention? It was probably me who needed to know it was there, more than anything else. I think it did me wrong, disappearing like that for such a long time. I think I nearly lost something. Why DID it become so tricky lately? Or the other way around, how come I am not sure anymore when it is it, and when it's one of the other ones? It used to be easier earlier, a few years ago, when there weren't so many louder and aggressive ones trying to cram into MY hearing zone like that. I guess I haven't paid attention for a while... and lost track of the one that comes every 2.5 seconds like a Swiss clock. And now... sometimes I THINK it's that, it SOUNDS familiar, but in all that noise, who can tell? Maybe tomorrow I'll lose my focus and won't pay enough attention, and it would slip away again. And then I'll have another 5-6 years before I recall.
But last night, maybe it was the whether, or the late hour, or simply a very good minute to do it, in which I'm usually asleep or not around to. Last night they were all a bit... numb... it was quiet all around me, and on the inside as well, and I carefully placed my finger on my throat, just under my chin, and I pressed a little, and started counting seconds, and I smiled. "There you are..."