[pirate witch]: 524.Short Stories.Laurent Visits the Psychologist

Laurent, from my novella The Dead Dove Project, visits the Psychologist. Let us eavesdrop. This was an excercise in my winterim course, and I liked it so I kept it. Enjoy.
Laurent’s visit to the Psychologist.

Shrink: So, Ulysses, what brings you here to day?

Laurent: Call me Ulysses and I will be
forced to staple your mouth shut.

Shrink: Why do you hate being called Ulysses so much?

Laurent: Have you ever heard of the American Civil War or did you spend all your reading porn in the back of the class?

Shrink: Why are you so quick to resort to sarcasm, Laurent?

Laurent: Why do you insist on phrasing everything as a question?

Shrink: Because that’s what psychologists do. We ask you questions, you answer them, and then we can sort out your problem.

Laurent: And what’s your problem?
Shrink: What?

Laurent: Everyone has problems. What’s yours? Caring to much about everything?

Shrink: That’s not true!

Laurent: What’s not true?

Shrink: I don’t care too much about everything! I just care about doing my job!

Laurent: Then do your job.

Shrink: I would thank you not to lead me off track again, Laurent. I am the one who is going to ask the questions, and you are going to answer them.

Laurent: That didn’t sound like a question to me.

Shrink: Fine. Lets start over, shall we. So, Laurent, what brings you here today?

Laurent: My mother insisted that I come. She said that I looked a bit peckish and she worried about my health.

Shrink: Why would she worry about your health?

Laurent: Well, she’s my mother. Isn’t that
what mothers do? Or did yours just lock you in the closet until you went color blind?

Shrink: How did you know I was color blind?

Laurent: I read your file. Continue, please, I have places to be.

Shrink: You didn’t answer my question. Why would your mother worry about your health?

Laurent: She thought I was spending too much time on my project, and all the all nighters were starting to make me go a bit crazy. Also, my blood sugar has been rather low lately since I haven’t been eating.

Shrink: Is this a school project?

Laurent: You could say that.

Shrink: What is that supposed to mean?

Laurent: Lets just say that I won’t be turning it in for a grade any time soon.

Shrink: Are you always this cynical?

Laurent: Always.

Shrink: So I’m not going to get any more out of you about what this project entails?

Laurent: Obviously not.

Shrink: In that case, would you please tell my why you have put so much time and effort into this?

Laurent: Because that’s what I do. I put time and effort into things.

Shrink: So maybe you are the one who cares to much about everything.

Laurent: No. I don’t care at all about other people or about the future of the human race. I only care about myself, history, and my enterprises.

Shrink: What enterprises?

Laurent: I thought that you weren’t going to get any more out of me on this project.

Shrink: I’m trying again.

Laurent: You won’t like it.

Shrink: I can handle anything you throw my way buddy.

Laurent: All right then. I am planning to start a movement of students in my school to overthrow the system and begin educating new recruits in my ways of thinking. Then, I plan to have everyone work for me to create a new form of media that plants subconscious suggestions into viewers’ and listeners’ minds that enforce the laws I want to enforce. Once everyone in the local vicinity starts to go a little insane, I shall publish my work and demand that Mark Veneer publicly apologize to me for snitching on a project I was working on in the ninth grade back in England. If his family doesn’t send him over, I shall force the government to obtain him and broadcast his speech, which I plan to write and make humiliating. If they don’t, I shall have my unpaid employees launch the media around the world, and soon everyone will be under my control.

Shrink: This is ridiculous. Either be serious, or just leave. I don’t have time for teenage plots of revenge, when I don’t even know why they are angry.

Laurent: I am not finished. If this plan doesn’t work, I will at least have all of the tuition payed by the parents of the students who will be under my control once I overthrow the administration, and buy myself a private island. I will move my enterprises over there and begin again until I have what I want. I plan to go down in history.

Shrink: Why do you want to go down in history?

Laurent: If I don’t go down in history, what’s the point in living. You just die, and the only people who remember you die eventually too. If you are in the history books, people will remember you and your great deeds forever.

Shrink: You plan to do great deeds?

Laurent: Great in the term of quantity, not in the term of moral values. I find moral values to be a waste of time. My deeds will be great, but slightly selfish, and more than a little mean. But that’s how Alexander was, and Cesar, and Napoleon.

Shrink: Please leave. I have other patients here who are willing to tell me the truth.

Laurent: I will tell my mother that you were a great help, Doctor.