[bloody kisses]: 558.Be Still My Fast Beating Heart.Be Still My Fast Beating Heart - 1

The cold, emotionless black not only envelopes me, but laps at me with it’s many tongues; thrashes me back and forth in a seeming attempt to tatter and shred my limbs from one another. A sharp rock, huge rock, hits the sensitive spot in between my shoulder blades, knocking the last breath of air out of me. I feel useless, worthless, like the rag doll I’ve been now apparently presented as for the last 15 years.

My face breaks surface, my lungs involuntary gasping for air I wish I never once have taken in. The black, cold water breaks up towards me, hoping for another good grip. It feels as if the liquid reaches up towards my face, little rivers of arms defying gravity to taste my face once more. If only it was him once more, rather than the water. He betrayed my every thought; every fiber of my being, but this wasn’t about him now. This was about me.

As my face is pushed back down into the now, rare, barley transparent water that fills the lake on this day, rather then the usual perfect clear, I remember how just minutes ago I chose this. I chose this fate, the feeling of this feels so calm, so…right, compared to what holes you presented in my chest, beyond my ribs, even beyond the cement walls I built up around my so sensitive heart. You broke through it all, even with that first penetrating jaded color glare.

Just minutes ago, which feels wrong, it feels like the currents have been fighting over my body to feed upon for hours – long, cold, suffocating hours – I was upon a ledge I can no longer see, a stone cliff peering out over the black fluid, almost touching the low grey clouds. I was perched; arms stretched straight above my head, as I was about to dive off of the high, stony cliff everyone around believe somebody must be insane to jump from.

I remember my legs bound nothing until my under garments, pushing off the surface; the feeling of flying through the air bound in nothing – a feeling I lost a few months passed.

Now the salty water enters my throat, feeling like fire as I let it sit there, my mouth open. I welcome my new fate, my idealistic way to go; to pass.

No, I can’t just blame this whole incident on him. Mith…you always held secrets away from me, yes I know, but that is not all. In the world of myth and unrealistic events I found you in, I was also found by a government, willing to change me in every way possible. But, I’m Dahyai after all; I don’t conform well now do I? Now you see it don’t you! Now I know your plans set ahead for me that will never become, I know what you expected. You thought because of that I could just be tossed away? Well if it were that easy, I would have wished for the same fate. Now I’m here, making my own.

I feel tears of rage escape from my sore eyes, I know it enters the Stream of Tears (Escall ah’ Axyiyd – es-call . aa . a-ss-ed) with welcome.

Black in front of my eyes, that is all, not even the rocks below. I can feel it now. My last conscious thought… Be still my fast beating heart.

[5/2/07]