[Delladreing]: 91.The Sun In Her Eyes

The Sun In Her Eyes.

The early morning sunlight crept slowly over the garden path, illuminating the first spring flowers in its fresh golden light. It seemed almost to stop for a moment as it reached the house before almost tentatively deciding to shine through the windows. Inside the house was still dark, save for the pale light of the sun as it strove to shine in all its glory in the deep gloom that consumed the house. In the hallway an old clock chimed the hours, sounding unnaturally loud in the oppressive silence. Up the stairs, past the many pictures of smiling bright-eyed children and of happy parents, people began to stir and waken. One family member had been awake for hours but had simply chosen not to move. Instead she had sat and watched the light filtering through her curtains from that of the cold silver of the moon to that of the equally cold seeming light of the sun that now tried and failed to bring some comforting warmth to her cold and darkened room.



Ave stared blankly out of her window, looking at nothing and seeing nothing. A quiet knock at her bedroom door roused her from her mental wanderings and she turned to face he door expectantly. The same routine had gone on for months now. Without waiting for a reply the door opened and Ave’s mother looked round. One look at her daughter’s pale skin and shadowed dark eyes told her all she needed to know but she asked the question anyway “Does school feel like it might be an option today?” There was an awkward silence before she answered herself with a sad knowing smile “No I thought not…well just make sure you eat properly today, I wont be here, I’m going into the office for a few hours and your father wont be home until later”. A moments hesitation was followed by a silent nod of acknowledgement. Her mother made as though to say something else but then decided better of it and shut the door over with a subdued click. The oppressive silence took hold of the room once more. A sickening heaviness entered Ave’s stomach. The silence was broken a few minutes later by the sound of cars crunching over gravel as they drove off.



Ave’s eyes drifted shut, lethargy haunting her and wanting her to give in. She winced as the sunlight struck her closed eyes, the light shining through the darkness and burning into the back of her eyes. She opened her eyes and squinted against the light. It illuminated her eyes to their once sky blue beauty that had become lost to the haunted dark look of pain and exhaustion that had become all but permanent in those blue depths. Sighing she swung her legs out of the bed and attempted to propel herself upright. She instantly wished she hadn’t. The sudden movement caused her heart to leap in her chest like a startled horse. The room spun as a sickening dizziness grappled with her mind and tried to take her breathe away. Swaying on her feet Ave forced her body to calm and willed her heart to slow its frantic pace. Her eyes rolled up to the heavens in a silent plea not to collapse. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the view of the garden outside her window. Everything looked so calm and still; the only movement she could make out was that of the leaves as they swayed in time to the wind. She continued watching they hypnotic movement until she was sure her body had recovered somewhat. Walking stiffly like an old woman, Ave made her way slowly toward the small bathroom that had been added onto her bedroom. Filling the sink with cold water Ave lightly splashed the droplets over her face before completely immersing herself in the almost ice-cold liquid. Pulling herself up from the water she gasped in a lung full of air. The shock of the water had all but driven her breath from her. But it had done its purpose, she felt revived and more awake. Looking up into the small wall mirror she studied her face as the water dripped down off of her. The water glistened across her delicate features. They had always been delicate; there were still hints of the once healthy and “pretty” girl that had once been there, but now her features looked less delicate and dainty and more fragile and painfully thin. Her eyes stared back at her; twin orbs of ever changing blue, calm, cool and emotionless. Surprise flickered briefly over her face. When had the illness reached her there and started to kill her there too? She had always believed that the eyes were the window to the soul, when had it gotten there? It frightened her now to see in them what could only be defined as a casual acceptance of what was to come. The fear quickly gave over to anger as Ave wrenched the plug from the sink with more force than was needed. The chain snapped and the stopper was sent flying past her head. She watched it, trying to see where it might land past the open door. It was nowhere to be seen; behind her the sink gurgled and rasped as the water drained away before the sound died with a sickening guttural sound. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She looked angry, her eyes had an edge to them. That was better, it meant there was life still in her yet, no matter how short lived it might be. Short lived, the words raced through her still buzzing mind. That was what the doctors had said about her, or at least the gist of it anyway. Yesterday had been a bad day for Ave. Sitting in that godforsaken hospital surrounded by that cold, hard artificial light Ave had felt even weaker. She had remained relatively silent as the doctors had prodded and poked her with needles and shared troubled looks and as sympathetic nurses nodded and smiled what even they believed now to be false encouragements to her. The test results had been the same as last time. Her body was weakening with ever day with little or no response to treatment.



Four years ago she had been struck down by the mystery illness, fighting it every day as it drank the energy from her body and the depression drained her from her very soul. She had been fighting a lost battle from the very start they had said; now it was all but over. Ave had received the news with a calm detachment while her mother had bit her trembling lip. The car journey home had been a prolonged sentence of torture for Ave as she listened to her mother rattle on with a forced optimism it was so obvious she did not feel. Ave had smiled and agreed with her mother, if just for the sake of stopping the painful rambling while her eyes followed the beauty of nature as it sped by so fast outside unnoticed by everybody else.



A shuddering sigh escaped her lips as the last of the adrenalin drained from her body. Short lived indeed, but the memory of the anger was still there. She began walking back into her bedroom. The sunlight now streamed in through the window, seeming to almost reach out to her. Her eyes were once again drawn to the view of the garden. It was hard to believe that it had ever once been so cold and bare as she saw it now in all its spring glory. Cooped up in her sickroom the winter had seemed to go on forever; Ave had started to fear that she would never see the sunlight again and that the cold and barren winter would rule forever. Now as she watched new life and growth in almost ever corner of the garden she saw how silly she had been to believe such a thing. The sun would always rise and the winter would always turn to spring. How irrational of her to have ever believed anything else. In the back of her mind a small dry voice let itself be known. It hadn’t been the garden dying she had been worried about. Reaching a decision Ave began looking for clothes, pulling off her nightshirt and started to get dressed. Sitting down at her table and mirror Ave inspected her reflection. She smirked at herself. How vain this illness had made her, forever looking in the mirror. Again that small part of her subconscious let its voice be heard. Forever looking to check that she was still there. In the light of the sun she didn’t look as ill. Her hair shone about her like a halo, illuminated by the golden light. Her face looked less skull-like and became softer. Yes, she thought, still there, just well hidden. On her desk sat a small journal, the pen lay next to it, unused and neglected. It had been some time since she had written anything. She opened the book up to her last entry.



“I’m watching the garden outside as it is ripped to shreds by the howling wind and drowned beneath the relentless rain. I know how it feels; it is like I am in the middle of a storm, on top of the highest mountain, screaming into the wind ad crying. But the wind throws my screams back at me and I suffocate, just as my own tears now threaten to drown me…”



She stared at the words, running them over in her mind. Yes she remembered that. The feeling of utter hopelessness and sheer despair she had felt at being told she was likely to die, the despair which had slowly given over to resignation. Ave toyed with the pen before deciding on what to do. She wrote a small and simple note and shut the book over with a snap.



That night Ave lay and watched the light of the moon from the comfort of her bed. She watched it rise higher and higher in the sky, the light illuminating her eyes to an almost radiant silver. Ave had spent many nights like this, thinking about everything that had been said to her. But now she had finally realised that that was her true poison that was killing her. Believing them that there was nothing of her left there to fight. Ave had never taken anything lying down before in her life, if she was going to die now she would go out with a fight. Her heart skipped a beat in her chest and she winced. One day at a time though it seemed, one day at a time. Still watching the rising moon her eyes slid shut. The pale silver light came to encompass her, almost as though it was protecting her from the dark of the night until the sunrise would come to take its watch over her again in the morning.



Months had come to pass since Ave’s last visit to the hospital, but to Ave it seemed like only yesterday. She was still tired and weak, some days being worse than others but she carried on regardless. One day at a time, every day rising to greet the sun. Dr. Finigen entered the room and looked up at the mother and daughter sitting at his desk. As he drew nearer to Ave he could see there was some difference. He had been treating her since the first year of her illness, watched her heart and soul diminish and fade with every single visit. The little girl who had often looked up at him with wide frightened eyes was nowhere to be seen. Instead he saw before him a young woman sitting bolt upright like a queen clearly alert and ready for anything. But the thing he was taken aback by most was her eyes. There was a fire in them that he had never seen before. They were outstanding in comparison with the rest of her appearance which still showed the weakness caused by her illness. But never before had he seen such determination as he did now in those swirling blue orbs now practically ablaze with divine hope so bright it almost outshone the burning summer sun outside. His heart ached at the thought that in a minute he might have to crush such a beautiful and wonderful thing as pure hope. He decided to bite the bullet and get it over with. “Well now Ave how are we feeling?” Ave smiled, it was polite and friendly, but there was also the hint of a challenge in it. “Alive it would seem”. Now Finigen was certain there had been a challenge in those words. Indeed he thought, she was right to say that, had their predictions about her health been right the girl technically should have been hospitalised by now, possibly even dead. He smiled and nodded slightly as he began sifting through her most recent test results. His smile became fixed to his face. He leafed back through her old results and then compared them. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. She hadn’t gotten any worse, in-fact she had marginally improved. He looked up into those eyes that watched him steadily and suddenly it wasn’t so hard to believe. They had told her she was going to die, and now she was fighting it for all she was worth. He turned to Ave’s mother who was fidgeting nervously with the strap of her handbag, looking at him with dark frightened eyes. The contrast between mother and daughter was alarming. He stood up from behind his desk and walked over to Ave and began checking her all over. She flinched back as the cold of his stethoscope was pressed against her bare skin under her shirt. He smiled and mumbled apologetically “Always forget to warm it up…” he trailed off as he listened to her heart. It was a slow and steady beat. He regarded her for a moment before saying anything “Well I don’t quite know what to say Ave. It seems you are as you say, very much alive, improving even. I take it you have noticed the steadying of your heart? Much easier to draw breath?” She nodded curtly, her mother watching them both with such fearful hope it was agonizing to see. “You are still ill Ave, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that…but it would appear there is more hope for you now than there was before. Come back in a months time, we will see how you are doing then. Obviously if you have any problems do not hesitate to contact us. Keep taking the supplements, they will help somewhat…and whatever it is you are doing…keep doing it, it is obviously helping you more than we ever could” As was routine a sample of he blood was taken and sent away for testing. Finigen walked them to the door and then watched them leave, shaking his head in disbelief and wonder.



Outside the hospital Ave’s mother chattered away like a nervous bird’ twittering away and practically chirping with a barely concealed delight. Ave still knew it was early days; her body felt like it was made of paper sometimes, held together by very fine strands of thread. But she was getting there. She knew she was defying all the odds and she intended to keep it that way. The journey home had sped by, the summer trees now standing tall in their summer green against the skyline with the sun blazing behind them in all its full proud glory.



Once home Ave made her way to her bedroom where she promptly threw herself down on her bed, which squeaked in protest. Tears squeezed past her closed eyes, the relief in her heart breaking through her soul and spilling out through her eyes. She wept in silence on the bed, her face buried in the pillow. Her defences were stripped from her and her soul was laid out bear as everything she had held back in the hospital and in the car was released and completely overwhelmed her. She lay still for a moment longer as the unstoppable tears subsided. Her hand searched underneath the pillow before pulling out her journal. She had all but filled up the pages now. She flicked through them until she came to the one she sought. Right there, in the middle of the page was that one simple note:



“I will get better…”



Ave picked up the pen and rewrote the message underneath:



“I am getting better…”



She heaved in a sigh as she shut the book over and replaced it back under her pillow, wiping the last of the tears from her bright and shining eyes. Ave rolled over onto her back and watched as the lazy sunlight of the summer spilled in through her window. As the comforting warmth reached out and caressed her body on the bed she shut her eyes and began to slip away into a light doze. Even in the darkness behind her eyes she could see the light shining through, burning into her very soul, keeping the fire alive…