I lost it again. At school.
=*(
This sucks.
I finally found it.
And I can't find the rainbow guitar pick he gave me.
I'm pissed.
Well just so you guys know, I'm eating once more.
And I have a boyfriend - which is what the eating accompanied - and he's great.
So whatever.
Hrm...think anybody would notice if I stopped eating?
Okay so I haven't sworn off ALL men...
What's new?
Hrm. Not much to say other than A SHIT LOAD OF HOMEWORK!
Grawr. Oh and guy/gal problems. Why is it so hard to find a bisexual girl after swearing off all men?
Weeewwww!!! Skewl rocks, I love it. Alternative schools FTW!!!
Still play SWG of course, which is limiting my time on here. Sorry. I've also been in a really big writer's block...so...y
Luff Hugs to ALLL!!!!
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
"Swim, if they must. Crawl, if need be."
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
My hand hit the Total Experience box for Star Wars Galaxies.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I was reading and listening to the music videos on the Fuse Self Serve.
4. Without looking, guess what time it is?
Uhm, time to get a watch? Lol I dunno...2:30 - 3?
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
Hah!!! 2:49
Who owns? I own!!!
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The computer beside me, because the two behind me are actually shut off. And that's the loudest one so yay! But also my sister talking to my dad asking if she ate all the Special K bars.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Uhm, today, about 10 mins ago I let my dog in from outside.
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Naomi's Comment page, Naomi's comment page, and I started reading "Green Angel" by Alice Hoffman, which is what the exerpt was from on the first question.
9. What are you wearing?
Uhm, my night silk capris, my Pirates tanktop from yestery that I just so happened to sleep in, and a black flece thing cuz it's cold in my house.
10. Did you dream last night?
Of really freaky things, I dreamed my ex shot my parents and my sister, and I was asleep but I heard all this but was jus imoblilized, and then he came up stairs, raped me and slit my throat. And I was dead, but I could still see, I could still feel. Okay, so maybe that was a nightmare, but still.
11. When did you last laugh?
A little back when my sister was interogating my dog. But I doubt little Darla could open the pantry door, climb up four shelves, open a box, and take the Special K bars.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Atop of the hidiously pallor white walls the government enforces? Hrm, curtains, computer desks piling up on the walls, a couple hang candle houlders some pics of my mom and uncle when they were babies, and me and my sister when we were little. A buddha head for my sister, and a speaker for the next room *might I add the last messages were actually sitting ontop the wall that divides the computer room and living room but only has about two feed of space from ceiling to the top of the wall*
13. Seen anything weird lately?
Uhm, my sixth grade year book. My guildmates onlne being perverts, but that's not really weird to me. Oh, the sky being blue !!!
14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's uhm...well at least i'm not as bored as before.
15. What is the last film you saw?
uhm? *thinks hard* I saw one this morning !!! It was uhm...uh...oh yeah, the Bily and Mandy movie they had on Cartoon Network.
16. If you became a multi-milliona
I would pay enough money for my friends family not having to pay the jerks that said they have to pay for the militaries screw ups, i'd give some to my mom and dad and sister, save some to start a college found, and give the rest to different charities.
17. Tell me something that I don't know:
That you are text?
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Me? My existance to vanish.
19. Do you like to dance?
With no one watching...
20. George Bush:
Almost gone?
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
uhm, without the addition of a father I suppose it would be either Kyra, Mallory, Maxyne, or Zoe.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
uhm? Betty Loo? I dunno, I'm bad with boy names.
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Hrm? Do you really want me to consider anything with the attachment of life? It normally leads to the ending of many...
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"Wow! You made it!"
25. 6 people who must also do this in THEIR journal?
???
Alrighty. I'm sorry I haven't been able to add a lot latley, i'm kinda having...uh...
But I had it written down before I was dressed...So I saved it!!!
:::
[Unfillable Shoes]
i want to let go,
be strong,
but i know
that no one else
is there for me
but my heart
refuses to dub me free
wait till i find my love
watch your interest in me
burn in the sun!
consume thy hate
heart deflates
uncross the fate
but it's too late
let it all drift away
find it lost in a day
i'll never find the way
when you say;
consume the light
enter spite
end the lies
you will find:
no one is waiting in the shadows
blind, searching for a hand to hold
abandoned by the life they sold
no one to match my mold.
[6/17/07]
Side Note :::
If you have a government founded house, don't use a Magic Eraser (Mr. Clean) above the sink; The wall it coming apart now ...
Okay, just wanted to share that. Back on my voyage to clean the chocolate pebbles up from the carpet, the kitchen floor, and the couch!
I really don't know how I got that far. I don't even remember going across the room into the kitchen!!! It's like i'm a really horrible hulk. All I knew was I was crying and then somehow I threw the bowl into the sink...I really don't know!
Yeah, though it's summer, I probably won't be on as much now. But whatever. I'm kinda having issues with my sister, and she's leaving to college in a year, so i'm trying to patch everything up and she's going for revenge. But whatever, i'm trying. But I might end up crying a lot - I've been trying not to for a while and now it's just all coming out - and plus I might get in some huge shit because I don't know how, but I ended up throwing the last cerial I had all over the house. I'm sorry, but when I come back on, more than anything i'll probably have a lot. I know I haven't been on a lot even of the late, but I've been kinda addicted to SWG again. But hopefully this is just a false advertisment. But I'll see ya when I see ya, right?
Hrm, let us see what's on my Recent Tradgeties list:
1) I'm tired as hell
2) All my friends are moving
3) They didn't list the brands for the puppy food that has that ... stuff that's found in over the counter drugs
4) My eyes are still raw from crying all day Thursday and swimming.
Explinations you ask?
1) We went to a good-bye pool party Thursday from 7:30 pm-11:00 pm. Then I spent the night at Heather's. The next morning, her boyfriend (who's also one of my other best frieds, but he's staying!!!) came over and we went to the other pool for an hour. Really hot guys there. Came home and slept. No one left food for me so I woke up, had a snack, then couldn't sleep. So here I am at 6:30 A FRICKEN M! ON SUMMER BREAK! ON SATURDAY MORNING!!!
2) Heather;Idaho. Mary;Ohio. Kaci;Alaska. Miss Brandi Leigh, the southern bell;Still here. I hate this. Brandi Leigh wants Texas, not this place. This far. No friends. Ugh.
3) I have a little puppy, short of a year. Born in November. They didn't list the brands on the TV so we don't know what's going on.
4) Thursday was the last day of school, I kept crying. But I got like 20 comfort hugs from Monterius. I'm going to miss him =*(* He was sweet. I also got good-bye hugs from Matt, Christian, Calvin, Ceighvaughn(sp? Lol), Jannielle, Demarquis, Kaci, and Armnecia. I cried hard. Effin long, and effin hard. Plus I got a lot of hugs from Mary. After lunch me and heather saw her in the hallway and we just kinda walked into her and started crying and hugging. At least that parts done.
So as you can see, i'm not in the most happy mood, because Mary is the girl I wrote about in some of my poems and she's upset because she didn't get to kiss Zack. But whatever, right? It doesn't all have a happy ending.
"Sometimes something has to die to be pretty again."
Guess that's what fate is working on for me.
Okay, I have something that I feel the need to admit to someone for some reason. I don't know why, but for those of you losers who have no life and are actually reading this, Why is it that people like me fear to be alone?
We make different personas to be accomanied by at all times, though most of us know they aren't real. Such as me, I have a voice, powered by me, to help me not feel so alone. I don't know it's name, I don't know if it's a he or a she, but I know that it's there for me when I need it. So, of course, if anyone were to tune into my thoughts, I'd be talking to myself. Which makes me feel paranoid for some reason.
Am I stupid? Am I actually sane? Am I totally insane? Why do I fear the being alone will power all else that I fear, or have hidden behind myself will come back to me, and taunt me for the rest of my time? I don't want to be alone. I can go without friends...but I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me, and tell me that i'll never be alone again. I want to know why I feel like that, but I doubt my parents are gonna take me to a psychiatrist.
Then I feel like i'm just making those who I tell half of very few of my problems to are just thinking "why the hell is she like this?" I just...I want to be fixed. I never believed in normal, for it is just a utopia along with sane, but I want to be as close to it as thought, I don't want to be so different in this way. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to be clingy. I want someone to love. To hold. But where is that person? Even if it's just fake, how am I supossed to deal with myself - find myself! - if there isn't someone here to hold me if I fall, or if I end up hurting myself emotionally even more. I'm confused, and I just want to fix this all, but I don't know what to do.
Does anyone have anything to say? Advice? A shut-up no one cares? A you're-so-fuck
I feel so desperate, but I don't know what else to do...
Wait, sorry. I can't update yet, I left my binder at school because I didn't wanna carry it. I have to walk about a mile after school to get home, because I'm almost to the point of the need of a bus, but I'm not quite there, so I must walk, and I was having breathing complications so I didn't wanna risk it. So, I'll update tomarrow!!! Promise!
That is, if anyone even reads this thing haha.
Complications, I still have no life and I didn't get to go out with my friend. BS right? Pssh. Soon as I get a bikini top I'll go to the pool with my friends. Whoohoo!
Anyways, updating, later on lookie at my update page for the links. Hope you enjoy!
(Btw, some of these were actually how I felt at the time, so uh...beware?)
Oh yeah, I just finished the new Maximum Ride book from James Patterson. He rocks man!!! I loved it, but Fang and his sexy self got kinda irritating. If you're waiting to read it, I won't spoil. Or at least try too...
I'm working on my life, but I will have A LOT to add later on!!! Hehe, see ya laters ya'll!!!
I added a lot on Myne ... which leads to my page, but my contents is so large, that, well, it's hard to find lol. But yeah, whatever. Go there and comment / rate please?
I dunno, I just...I wish I could even just settle again for someone, sit there and ignore certain comments and go on thinking I love them even longer. I miss the feeling that I "loved" someone. But it doesn't really matter does it? The girl I like is moving in 10 days, the guy I like i'm not going to date because he still has experiences with drugs, and well, that's a definate no. But whatever. It doesn't matter.