I've noticed something today.

Either I'm engulfed in emotions, worrying myself, engulfed in what I'm not meant to feel. The most random events will tigger it, and I don't know why.

Meanwhile, when I'm supposed to feel emotion...I'm drained, like some emotionless, passion-free drone. Like I'm nothing, as if I never had been.

This is one of those times for the latter. I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't know what to do. I can't feel anything. What the Hell is wrong with me?

I think my daddy worries about me. He said he's kinda worried because I seemed to be unphased by the horrid moment in time. What if he's right?

Meanwhile, I also found I'm entirely afraid of saying my thoughts because I'm afraid that once the words are said, they weave themselves into the fabric of the world and stay there - with no way to reverse engineer what's been done. Forcing those things to roll into actuallity.

Because someone heard it, it will be stuck in someone's subconscious which will lead it into the opening.

I think I'm incredibly paranoid though.

This must sound very boring, but then, why read anything I put up here?

It's funny how fear for me is to be alone.
And yet I always seem to be.
I'm not quite sure how that works really.
But this is the last time I date a good friend of mine.
I always mess it up.
I hope he doesn't hate me because ... now I'm not so sure if I'm lesbian or bi or what. The question has just about always plagued me, but I never thought about it too much, and now I pretty much think I need to before I make more mistakes like this again.

Oh, and just about my whole school knows I at least like girls now. We have a monthly day of girls and boys split since our school is sooo small. I like it, it makes me feel a lot more comfortable. But anyways, today our conversation went from PDA to bad relationships.

I've been in a few of all types - emotionally destructive, verbally abusive. So. I just kinda told everyone and they all seemed fine with it. At the end we were all supposed to hug people around us and a lot of people came up to me and told me it took a lot of courage to say what I did.

I guess I'm pretty fine today, other than the whole last part of the day.

Although so many people believe that they can change the world just being themselves, no one really can. There's no point in crying over spilled milk, and there's no use in trying to change billions of people. No one looks the same way. No one feels the same way. No one is the same. No one is you. Stop trying to force and feign what's never been there. Live in your own world and enjoy the pleasure of your own rides. Never settle. Never convert to other people's expectations. Never change. Be you, and you'll be the most beautiful thing.

Does anybody know any good series out there?

I'm caught inbetween. Janet Evanavich isn't coming out with one for a bit, Pretty Little Liars is coming out this year, and i'm still waiting on "Midnight Sun" from Stephenie Meyers. I'm a bit stuck here you could say.

Anyone got anything good to keep my mind away from places I don't want it to be?

It's all fake. How is it that I'm always the one to fuck up?

Everyone else is so perfect, but i'm the lesbian, I'm the one who might not give my mom what she's always wanted - grandbabies. I'm the fuck up and no one cares.

I can even HOLD a realationship now matter how hard I try. I guess it's all just forced, it's all just fake.

I'm just a fuckin fake.

FUCK THE WORLD - I've wanted to say this forever, just Bob Marley wasn't always there for me like he is now - FUCK THE DISCRIMINATORS AND FUCK ALL THOSE WHO I MYSELF HAVE FUCKED UP

I want to start new...but how the hell am I s'posed to do that?

damnit...
life is stupid
why is it frowned upon that you don't want to live anymore.

That you're sick of who you are.

That you're sick of what you are.

I'd rather be nothing than the fuck up I already know I am.

You know, it's wierd. My parents understand that I'm...well you know, who I am. But it's like they're so happy together, I have always wanted to be in a relationship like theirs you know. Their just so perfect for each other so...right. They're exactly what each other needs. I always wanted to be in a relationship like that, and watching them drink together sitting there singing to songs together on the living room floor to my dad's iPod...it's like they expect me to be that. It feels like I can't, but I've always tried to...

I guess that's where I've always screwed up...I dunno. Well I've gotta go see my parents sing to the ending of "paradice by the dash board light"

I'm slightly intoxicated so expect that this isn't perfect haha!

I hope you guys have a love filled night though.

558.Second Hand Nostalgia

Check it, I've been meaning to put it up. I'll type out the first chapter soon, as well as start the second =P

Been taking a lot of new pics lately - most out my bus window haha. So that should explain my new pic.

I've been obsessed with Brand New lately, especially "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot." If You don't know it you should look it up. Their live version on IMX is my favorite, they have it on youtube.

Also I always have "Que Sera Sera" ringing through my head. The Pink Martini version. So my writings lately have been a bit wierd. I'll try to post 'em soon.

Made 12:30 a.m. 1/1/08

This time of year has come again
To brush away all tears and pain
Inspires lies and 'resolution'
But bring to the world less saints - more pollution

This time of year has come again
To brush away all tears and pain
To makes believe, hope, and begin
To begin, but northing more than to [end].

Happy New Year to ALL

I hope last shitty year will never resurface in nothing other than our memories past.

'07 was a horrible year, and I wish all to have better.

Big Hugs to all and to all a good night.

BY THE WAY

Just because you're drunk doesn't make you an idiot. BE RESPONSIBLE DAMNIT!

Well, I guess I might as well update.

Breaks suck.
I'm getting my hair cut.
I love my special store:
-I know have purple tripps and two slut skirts all for 26 bucks!
I need more chocolate.
My dreams are scaring me.
And yes, I'm getting ANOTHER haircut. This one, even shorter.

What Some Refuse To Notice

It's funny how no one really understands the term 'cancer patient' without actually seeing the damage.

My sister has this boyfriend, they've been together for about a year or so. They were sent up here because of the medical care - his mom has cancer. Not really anybody knows this yet, but her treatment failed and she called my sister in while her family was away - she figured out this afternoon - and her kids don't know yet. My sister was so upset that I went with her, and I'd never met his mother.

It changed everything for me.

Her whispered words and her frail frame - she looked better than I was expecting, but I know she's looked better. She's beautiful and young, and still hasn't seen any grandbabies - which my sister promised she could have if she waited nine months. "Take care of my baby," and "I love you," was whispered with such...sentimental value and emotion to my sister.

It's changed my view of life and reminds me even more that the world needs not one more selfesh person. That just because other people can be selfesh, arogant, and oblivious to the world, I have experienced things - even though not first hand - that those people ignore on an hourly basis. "Why give money to cancer patients, they're just going to die anyways!" I've heard that muttered before in public, and now, more than even that moment, I still wish I could have punched that prick in the face.

But it wouldn't have changed anything, all they would have done was spend their money on a nose job instead.

I've never been a religious person, but if you are...pray for Suzanna. She deserves to live without pain and strife.

More than that, she deserves to live.

If any one here wants to post anything to show their hearts and minds and prayers are with her - and any body who has to face any sickness, or family/friend's sickness - I'm starting up a wiki page for poetry and thoughts. After I make it, anyone can post whatever they wish.

More people deserve love that they've never seen before - will you be the one to show it?

I hate drama.

There's this skank I went to school with last year - not many people know her here - and she mannipulates everyone, then when she slips up she guilt trips them to give her another chance.

Only one person is stupid enough to fall for her shit, and sadly enough he only JUST figured it all out. He wanted to be "nice."

Anyways, I'm putting more stuff up, mainly it's lesbian stuff but *shrug* I like it. I'll be working on adding "All Too Tangible..." but it's four pages, and if y'all haven't realized, I haven't really been able to stay on for that long =P

But you know, I've been thinking. Americans have ruined the meaning and thought behind Thanksgiving. Rather than being thankful for what they have they sit there and ask mommy and daddy for what they're getting for Christmas, or telling them what they want for Christmas.

Does that not defeat the purpose of all the family coming together?

Then there's the people that only want to impress everyone with their home and their food, so they freak out over any small thing that happens.

But whatever.
That's not what my family's like.

But hell, my dad's friend have to come over at 9 tonight to finish getting drunk because the next-next-neighbor's wife is gonna kick them out. So they're coming here. Lovely ain't it?

[

Happy Thanksgiving !!!

Not grounded anymore.

Today I ended up going outside.

I KNOW! IT'S A FRICKEN MIRACLE!!!

But hey, Clint came over asking if I wanted to hang out at the skate park. I don't skate, but he does and his brother brought along two of his friends so he felt alone.

We ended up with everyone skating in front of the theater. One of the 12 or 13 year old boys was kinda cute but just to look at, he was pretty funny too. But he kept lookin at me lol so I guess it's all good.

Now my dad's sitting next to me ordering Pizza Hutt.

Yesterday was my sister's 18th birthday and she's getting an angel tattoo tomarrow in memory of my grandma who passed this January. She wants me to tag along with her.

She also got a knife.

I need to remember not to steal her makeup.

And I want doughnuts.

But whatever.

All in all this is the most lively day I've had since Heather moved away.

Not to mention the only real blog entry haha.

No more boyfriend.

I'm home.

I still have the rest of "Kiki Strike" to read, and then I have "Bloodsucking Fiends" to entertain me for the near three hours before my sister comes to pick me up for the circus.

Going to the movies with my boyfriend next monday because it's a holiday.

We can only see an R rated movie, so no vampire movies - his momma won't allow it.

My dad's a little hung over, my mom just got rid of another caffene-disapearance headaches, my sister's going to ber boyfriends, and I'm stuck with nothing to do now that we're home.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Untitled for the moment being (which is very odd for me, I know) :::

In the night I wish on a star
I wish that the man who loves me to bear a scar
Only because I was treating so wrong
I want him to know what it means to be 'strong'
I need him to see why I envy him so
Because I was treated like sh*t, and he might know
He might be one of who I now hate
Or an accomplis in the matter which we met by Fate
The lady of Love
The lady of Hate
The lady who pinned 
Us to discriminate 
The lady they Love 
The lady I Hate 
The lady that twisted; 
Contored my heart's shape
 
But the man I love
Won't come to me
I'm pretty sure
We weren't meant to be
So someone send me
Their love on wings
For I am lost
My heart is bline
I need you to set
These pieces alligned
[I need the love,
But I feel the hate,
No longer do I want
to feel presence of Fate.]

Wont be on much

Going to South Carolina for a family trip today.

Laters