I think I've realized why I'm so anti-social in person.

Online I never had my parents wishing to be that perfect daughter, perfect at everything like my sister. Online I never had my sister suppressing all I wanted to say or do or be. Online I was encouraged to be me.

In person I have all the things weighing down on me telling me, "be who you are," but "only who we want you to be..."

How am I s'posed to work with that and pass school with straight a's, not go to parties with friends, not hang out with friends, be ragged on all day because I'm not normal, I'm not straight, I'm not all these things that people are so used to, accustomed to being right there and in reach.

And then because I'm different I have these people that steal from me and swipe from me all that I am, so now I'm lost and have no clue who do call Brandi and who to call Leigh. I don't know what's different, I don’t know boundary lines, I don't know...I just don't know.

So yeah...lovely me.

All those words that get choked down, they will come out somehow.

Life lies
Lies deceive
Love fights
Light is diseased.

What else is there to look forward to when you know you have nothing inside?


My love is granted to y'all anyways.

I spent my
whole life
In love with despair
Kept my lungs full
With the breath of thier
Mute atmosphere
I became
What I hate
And thus
Shall I remain
To give birth to a
Mighty assasin
Armed with a weapon of words
To defy the lies
To never compromise
No
Today
My name
Is pain
I stood
Beyond the world
Whispering secret syllables in the
Eyeless dark
Dancing wildly
Round and round on the rotting ground
Surrounded by the dead dusts of hell
This is how I delete myself
And this is how I corrupt
Everyone else


Otep Shamaya, man. She is a true, beautiful poet and artist.

Her song, "Suicide Trees"

I have summed my list of who I want to see live in concert down to three bands.

1) SLIPKNOT!
2) REEL BIG (fricken) FISH man!!!
3) LESS THAN JAKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. Slipknot especially.

Otep would be nice too...and Wicked Wisdom...

But those three ^.^

Random, yes...I know.

Hold on Beautiful - I feel a Tragedy

Poetry that I myself relate to.

558.Random Lyrics (from my song phase).Lying Is Fun Until It's All You Have Left

Oh, and as far as I've realized, although I don't know who Brandi is, though I do know who Leigh is, Brandi comes out often enough. All those blogs I write - when I'm under-limited - where I'm just saying stuff I've realised...they're ME. That's who I really am, the person I don't know anymore because I've tried to impress my parents so much, trying to be my sister. The real me, comes out when I don't even know what's going on half the time. That feeling where your head's goin to roll off your head from headbanging to Iron Maiden while youre with your parents with accessories...noticing how much they love each other and that I might just find a girl that makes me love her as much as she loves me. Although I don't know who I am, I guess this is a start.

As well as stepping up and realizing that guys need to stop using me because I don't WANT them.

I am beginning to focus more on my vampires and lesbians lately for some reason, if y'all don't want to read them, you prolly shouldn't read a lot of the stories I'm posting. Read the poems of course ! Those are staying the same ! ^.^

and mostly, their not the whole situation, their like...'clips' I guess you could call them?

*loves*

All added :::

558.So Called Life (suicide entries).Sirens Aren't the Perfect End To a Night

558.Passionate Ballads & Lore.Now Immortal, But By My Own

558.Passionate Ballads & Lore.From Thought, To Prose, To Wondorous Words

558.Creative Void (short stories & poems).Powerless : Air and Plot Thickened

558.Creative Void (short stories & poems).I Can't Live - So I'll Die Without

558.Passionate Ballads & Lore.I'll Forever Be

558.Humanism - reality of the human mind.Human Nature : Everyone Is

558.Humanism - reality of the human mind.The Gypsy's Symphony

558.Angelic Lyrics (love "Angel" poems).To Hell and Back In No Span of Days

558.Creative Void (short stories & poems).And Thy's Fear is Dubbed : Loneliness

558.Schizophrenic Shroud.Teary Eyed At Star Light

558.Random Lyrics (from my song phase).Heart Pumps a Toxic Taste

558.Vampire Souls (poems & short stories).Raining On the Worst Parade

558.Angelic Lyrics (love "Angel" poems).Therapy of the Gardens

558.Random Lyrics (from my song phase).Forged Hallucination

558.So Called Life (suicide entries).Real Estate

558.Creative Void (short stories & poems).Brass Knuckles On Broken Hearts

558.So Called Life (suicide entries).The Still Draws Nothing

Updating all around on my index. Poke around, might find something you like !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F3Rm8c3wP0

How true, how true.

I've noticed something today.

Either I'm engulfed in emotions, worrying myself, engulfed in what I'm not meant to feel. The most random events will tigger it, and I don't know why.

Meanwhile, when I'm supposed to feel emotion...I'm drained, like some emotionless, passion-free drone. Like I'm nothing, as if I never had been.

This is one of those times for the latter. I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't know what to do. I can't feel anything. What the Hell is wrong with me?

I think my daddy worries about me. He said he's kinda worried because I seemed to be unphased by the horrid moment in time. What if he's right?

Meanwhile, I also found I'm entirely afraid of saying my thoughts because I'm afraid that once the words are said, they weave themselves into the fabric of the world and stay there - with no way to reverse engineer what's been done. Forcing those things to roll into actuallity.

Because someone heard it, it will be stuck in someone's subconscious which will lead it into the opening.

I think I'm incredibly paranoid though.

This must sound very boring, but then, why read anything I put up here?

It's funny how fear for me is to be alone.
And yet I always seem to be.
I'm not quite sure how that works really.
But this is the last time I date a good friend of mine.
I always mess it up.
I hope he doesn't hate me because ... now I'm not so sure if I'm lesbian or bi or what. The question has just about always plagued me, but I never thought about it too much, and now I pretty much think I need to before I make more mistakes like this again.

Oh, and just about my whole school knows I at least like girls now. We have a monthly day of girls and boys split since our school is sooo small. I like it, it makes me feel a lot more comfortable. But anyways, today our conversation went from PDA to bad relationships.

I've been in a few of all types - emotionally destructive, verbally abusive. So. I just kinda told everyone and they all seemed fine with it. At the end we were all supposed to hug people around us and a lot of people came up to me and told me it took a lot of courage to say what I did.

I guess I'm pretty fine today, other than the whole last part of the day.

Although so many people believe that they can change the world just being themselves, no one really can. There's no point in crying over spilled milk, and there's no use in trying to change billions of people. No one looks the same way. No one feels the same way. No one is the same. No one is you. Stop trying to force and feign what's never been there. Live in your own world and enjoy the pleasure of your own rides. Never settle. Never convert to other people's expectations. Never change. Be you, and you'll be the most beautiful thing.

Does anybody know any good series out there?

I'm caught inbetween. Janet Evanavich isn't coming out with one for a bit, Pretty Little Liars is coming out this year, and i'm still waiting on "Midnight Sun" from Stephenie Meyers. I'm a bit stuck here you could say.

Anyone got anything good to keep my mind away from places I don't want it to be?

It's all fake. How is it that I'm always the one to fuck up?

Everyone else is so perfect, but i'm the lesbian, I'm the one who might not give my mom what she's always wanted - grandbabies. I'm the fuck up and no one cares.

I can even HOLD a realationship now matter how hard I try. I guess it's all just forced, it's all just fake.

I'm just a fuckin fake.

FUCK THE WORLD - I've wanted to say this forever, just Bob Marley wasn't always there for me like he is now - FUCK THE DISCRIMINATORS AND FUCK ALL THOSE WHO I MYSELF HAVE FUCKED UP

I want to start new...but how the hell am I s'posed to do that?

damnit...
life is stupid
why is it frowned upon that you don't want to live anymore.

That you're sick of who you are.

That you're sick of what you are.

I'd rather be nothing than the fuck up I already know I am.

You know, it's wierd. My parents understand that I'm...well you know, who I am. But it's like they're so happy together, I have always wanted to be in a relationship like theirs you know. Their just so perfect for each other so...right. They're exactly what each other needs. I always wanted to be in a relationship like that, and watching them drink together sitting there singing to songs together on the living room floor to my dad's iPod...it's like they expect me to be that. It feels like I can't, but I've always tried to...

I guess that's where I've always screwed up...I dunno. Well I've gotta go see my parents sing to the ending of "paradice by the dash board light"

I'm slightly intoxicated so expect that this isn't perfect haha!

I hope you guys have a love filled night though.

558.Second Hand Nostalgia

Check it, I've been meaning to put it up. I'll type out the first chapter soon, as well as start the second =P

Been taking a lot of new pics lately - most out my bus window haha. So that should explain my new pic.

I've been obsessed with Brand New lately, especially "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot." If You don't know it you should look it up. Their live version on IMX is my favorite, they have it on youtube.

Also I always have "Que Sera Sera" ringing through my head. The Pink Martini version. So my writings lately have been a bit wierd. I'll try to post 'em soon.

Made 12:30 a.m. 1/1/08

This time of year has come again
To brush away all tears and pain
Inspires lies and 'resolution'
But bring to the world less saints - more pollution

This time of year has come again
To brush away all tears and pain
To makes believe, hope, and begin
To begin, but northing more than to [end].

Happy New Year to ALL

I hope last shitty year will never resurface in nothing other than our memories past.

'07 was a horrible year, and I wish all to have better.

Big Hugs to all and to all a good night.

BY THE WAY

Just because you're drunk doesn't make you an idiot. BE RESPONSIBLE DAMNIT!

Well, I guess I might as well update.

Breaks suck.
I'm getting my hair cut.
I love my special store:
-I know have purple tripps and two slut skirts all for 26 bucks!
I need more chocolate.
My dreams are scaring me.
And yes, I'm getting ANOTHER haircut. This one, even shorter.