I'm trying to fix things.
Otep Shamaya's children -
http://allshap
Mine :
http://allshap
I cannot be sure about my self. Nothing about myself. Really all I know is that I like it when people tell me I'm pretty. I think that's because whenever I look into the mirror I try to find something about me that looks attractive.
But I don't want to talk about that. Right now I just want to say that I'm really upset. I've been working on getting my poetry book back from the other school's students and they're not helping out very well. I dropped my book on the bus tuesday before Thanksgiving break and now the other school has it. They won't give it back. Before break I was going to post it all but now I can't. I'm sorry.
I really don't know what else to say.
[My Best Poker Face]
Is when I don’t have to lie.
When I can tell it was me who sighed
And when I don’t feel the need to cry
When I see you walking away.
My best poker face
Is when no one has to hide
When I don’t feel like I could die
And that I’m contorting inside
As you say you love me
My best poker face
Is knowing that you’re there
But really you’re not; just like air
Thinking that you’re just so fair
So I put on make-up to make you want me
That’s my best poker face
The one where I don’t need to fight
Where I don’t want you out of sight
When I know I’m about to cry
But you push the tear away
My best poker face
Is when I feel like I need you
Want to be with you
Want to taste you; smell you
Be wrapped around you
No, my best poker face
The best of them all
Is when I say I love you
Because we both know
I hate you.
My best poker face
Is wanting to see you just one more time
And wishing that you could be my partner in crime
But you never stay around
Long enough to sound
Like you want me.
Because I want you.
My best poker face
Is wearing none at all
Is being in secure
Waiting to fall
So that you can see me again
[11/8/08]
When you don't know what you're saying
How are you supposed to make sense?
When you're not sure where you're going
Why should I die to live?
Lies are compact and intertwined
into intricacy and beauty.
breaking hearts is no where to start
But that's where you always find me.
A heart of lead I never float
but you make me feel like I can
If you didn't love me like I thought
What will happen?
Will I fall apart?
I can't call out to you
I can't tell if you're there
I can't seem to realize if it's you I need
If just someone I can hold.
But if I don't see you soon
I'll know I'm all alone
I feel like I'm about to explode...
Don't you hate it when everything twists in on itself and finds a way to twist you inside?
Or when it all haunts you and makes you not want to face anything at all anymore?
Or do you know how it feels when you're so afraid of everything you are trying to find out what it is you're meant to do?
How do you know when you've found what's important, what you really need?
What do you do when you can't seem to find any answers, just everything seething into your cells and flowing inside your system like it belonged?
Don't you hate it when you've lost your point, what you were trying to make comprehensible
Or when you find out that in reality everything was stolen from down within?
Is it possible that instead you're really giving it out, that you want to feel like nothing and that all you are is pointless?
Is it possible that instead of having everything taken either way and feeling enlightened that you wanted it that way, you feel entirely broken but no matter what, you're still shattered just like from the beginning.
The preamble when everything shattered. When everything ripped inside of you. When everything began to commit and smooth into your skin like smoke into the air, becoming each other and fixing, bonding.
What are you supposed to do?
[Area Without Matter]
Ait like a drug
Inflates
The soul
Cakes
The Sense
Of being alone
Disaster like bugs
Crawling
On your skin
Biting
Stinging
Into your veins
Midnight crawls
Into pulse
Keeping silence
Secrets proposed
The pendulum
Oh how it swings
The night infects
The writer's ink
Thick and blue
She feels trapped
Turned silky red
Written spell is cast
The writ turns black
Into bare sight
Knowledge escapes
From naked eye
The bare skin
Bared teeth rips
Into lace
Leather and lips
A throat torn out
One voice stolen
But she elates
She is stolen
Skin rips apart
And so she bleeds
But pushed intrusion
Inside so deep
She notices not
And nothing minds
pounding harder
Ripping inside
Torn apart
Now all
Alone
She screams
In pain
For her soul
Smoke entwines
Into the lungs
The lullaby
Not fully sung
She hides away
Ink stained skin
Empty,
No feeling in
Where she felt
Loved
And so needed
That now she's nothing
[10/18/08]
By the way, Soul Asylum is brilliant.
I love them.
You should look up "Petals" by Hole too.
By the way, Soul Asylum is brilliant.
I love them.
You should look up "Petals" by Hole too.
Do you know what's depressing?
Going through your medicine cabinet looking for Advil for a headache and considering the consequences of downing half a bottle of Lortab and Vicodin.
Having to complete an assignment the next day on words that describe yourself and not being able to think of anything positive or even in the slightest optimistic or neutral.
What do you do with yourself when you don't know what you are?
Where do you go when you have nothing left you want to face?
Who do you go to when the person you need isn't available?
What the hell am I supposed to do with myself?
[Hemorrhage]
The sky is falling
And I cannot breathe
I hope you want me
But inside I seethe
The sky is falling
And the jagged points
Puncture muddy veins
And vanishing points
See, the atmosphere
Is sticky and quick
It collapses my lungs
Makes my stomach sick
I don’t understand
How you fare just fine
I’m afraid that I may
Just be wasting our time
Together; I feel
Like I’m full
My eyes may glaze
Over in lull
But the sky is falling
And I see it’s true
That life may not work
If I am with you
The sky is falling
And I cannot see straight
The pieces cloud my eyes
Am I too late
To see the truth
In all realness
Or am I just
Some blind witness
No the sky is falling
I can see it now
A rainbow may erupt
Some sort of vow
But no, the sky falls
And I wait for it to end
It keeps on shattering
Like me waiting to mend
But no one wants
To help my sanity
Could you imagine
Living in such vanity
That no one understands
It seems they never will
Or am I the only one
For mentality this ill
I feel the sky falling
It breaks through my flesh
Is this my end
Or means to refresh
The sky is falling
Why won’t it stop
But the only rain to hear
Is only my sob
No the sky can’t fall
I don’t want to let it
Let’s rewind and
Try to just forget it
[10/2/08]
Most people spend at least half of their lives living in regret, fear, or noting the trail of though that comes again and again.
No body wants me.
No body cares about me.
No body loves me.
Why don't they?
What happened?
Maybe that's the only journey we venture, the only point in life. To answer our own questions...so must we ask away?
Yes, I am aware I write the worst things when I drink ((([9/20/08])))
[Placement]
What’s not right has already left – what hasn’t is on the verge. If you know how to smile while you’re crying inside, you know it’s not easy to resist the urge.
Love is never solved with hate – thought they may be matched. If you know my answer go ahead and say so.
If you know you love me, grab me by the hand – if you love me, show me the truth. If you know how it is I really felt about you…
What’s not right has already left – so where do we know where to go?
[9/20/08]
[Forget-Me-Nots]
I remember
Wishing time
Would just stop
Right there.
I saw you
Anxious
In the doorway
Smelled you from
By the bed
Of the hotel room.
I never wanted you
To stop looking at me like that.
Like I was the only person
Who mattered.
I remember
Wishing that you
Would hold me close
And kiss me.
I saw you
Fidgeting
Out of the corner
Of my eye,
Unsure
Of yourself.
I knew I never
Wanted to forget you
Just wanting me
In innocence.
The only person
Who truly
Loved me.
The one who
Gave me too much –
Who I hope still loved me –
Who I could never forget
I hope you don’t…
Baby please forget me.
[9/20/08]
[Untitled]
I have no home;
I wander.
I don’t know where,
But I will find
A place enough
To stow my heart
Find a place
To stow my love
For you,
My baby.
I want you
To know simply
It was all
For you.
I have no bliss;
It’s stuck onto you.
You seem to know
But you’re the only one
Who’s seen that much of me
In the right way.
All I want is
You to want
Me…
[9/20/08]
[Intoxicating Paranoia]
Screaming for attention
But no one sees
Clouding my intention
Moving as I please
Though as it is
I never feel need
To resist
And just be
No I need you to see
And feel for me
Because you’re what I need
To keep myself free
Though I am boxed
And running out of air
I feel stalked
Then I see you there
A hallucination
Figment of my mind
Just imagination
That I cannot find
I can’t cut myself off
I go through withdrawal
Thinking of you – lost
I am without you to catch my fall
‘cause you are my angel
Innocent and white
Painted in, tainted opal
Guiding me in flight
Screaming for attention
But you’re gone away
I cannot imagine
What you would say.
[9/25/08]
[Scratch and Sniff]
your hair, your skin, your breath - your being, it reaks of sweet vanilla and lavender. That first time, I clung to your body, your scent. In the morning you got up to shower and I pressed my face into your pillows and sheets, my skin crawled and bones shook in withdrawal while you were away, though visible through the shower curtain. The steam rose and tasted like you and my body couldn’t help but react, especially as you stood in front of me nude and damp. We both walked away that morning and didn’t treat it with a second glance. Now each night I find my body caressed by your sheets, I think nothing of it. Afterwards I do not hold you close like before, no I let you wrap yourself almost in disgust of me, in the sheets. I get dressed again and walk out, back to my own sheets, my skin radiant with your scent and it sinks into them. Infected.
I’ll never let you go my dear…
So keep talking ‘cause I love you hear your voice…
-Pierce the Veil “Yeah Boy and Doll Face”
[9/18/08]
Breathtaking
The siren’s
Song
They tyrant’s
Fall
The touch
Of lost
The scent
Of past
Knowing what’s touched
Will fade away
Creates the future
To never sway
The father’s
Look
The mother’s
Eyes
The song of past
The tyrant’s scent
The song of all
That’s meant to die
Meant to live
But not survive
The song
Of all
The fall
Of knowledge.
[Oblivion]
Falling for you
And I don't understand
How I can
Falling for you
And I don't take
Any percaution...
You take the blade
Into my heart
And stop my
Beating
You decide
All that's right
But it will never
Fall
Fall...
So won't you
Realize that I don't
Need you.
I don't want to see
Your news
I don't need how you
Can seem like it's all about you.
Falling for you
And I don't understand
How I can
Falling for you
I don't understand,
I just can't.
Force away my breath
Fall into my depth
Force away my breath
Haunt me into death.
[A Thought]
Everyone has those idols or heroes or ... well, whatever you wish to call them. But after those certain people do something terrible, you wish that you never wanted to be like them, right? Even though we all know in the back of your head there's still that yearning to be or have somewhat of what they had.
Does it make you monstrous to wish to be like so many people that drove themselves into insanity or a road of complete chaos? Does it make you insane yourself to wish to be such a tragedy...?
Or is it all just a mistake in its own, like certain lives and choices? The ones that weren't meant to be placed like an accident...
[Interlocked]
She pushes off his pants
And wraps her legs around his
Rests her head upon his shoulder
He bites her neck and licks
Her collar bone straight
To the other side
And feels her shaking
Into his stride
He pushes himself farther inside
And she moans
Caressing her tongue to his
Smooth neck, moans
She feels her body start to get
A little stiff and then fully
Relaxes letting out a noise
As he pulls out, whispering
Words of all that no one can see…
These are the secrets, they kill, they kill, they kill...
-Otep Shamaya
[Lace]
I
I don't
I don't feel pretty
Today
Let me witness
The fall
Go runaway
And I
I don't understand
I don't understand-
Why I have to see
Your face
I
I don't understand
I
I don't understand
I don't want
To see
You face
I don't want to dream
Of your...
[{You}]
Letting you go
To be free
Is like caressing
A rock in my chest
Swallowing shards
Of broken glass
Whispering lullabies
Of deception
Waiting for the moon
To become perfectly whole
Ramming a knife into
My heart
And hearing metal
Scrape earth
Cold and cracking
To be
Without
[Graveyard Romance]
I love you
Always had
Thoughts escape
Into the bland
and
I
don't
see
it
My feet mash
Into the sand
I just cannot
Understand
and
I
don't
see
it
You are so
With your enticing glow
I need you to know
I need your taste
and
I
just
don't
see
it
I love you
Always had
Walk with me
Through the sand
and
I
don't
see
it
I love you
Always had
I love you
Always had
and
I
just
don't
see
anything
[Elapse]
Shoving poison in my veins
You take it all away
The venom laces, I'm insane
You take it all away
Haunted until I lose it all
I see your face
Stalked, waiting till I fall
Please take it all away
All I have is pain
Take it all away
I don't want to be sane
You take it all away
I don't want to see
But I see your face
Why do you make me...
And I see your face
Shoving poison in my veins
You wait till I fall
The venom laces, I'm insane
I want to lose it all-
Please take it all
[8/17/08]