The Russian Terrorists are after me!

Written by: Jonathan Bayliss
Inspired by: Nicholas Cirinna
Edited by: Christopher Bayliss
Illustrations by: Paul Barnes

Have you ever wondered who is out there and who is watching you? Well I know and because of this, they are out to kill me. It all started when Nick and I (Jon) were going to Belleville to a concert provided by YFC (youth for Christ) when we noticed we were being followed by ADKA-466 (Russian Terrorists) and when we turned into the parking lot they radioed it in to their head of field operations. After leaving the van, we then noticed AKYB-038 (the Russian spies) sitting waiting for us, and when we looked at them, they turned off the lights and tried to hide. Right when the doors were opened to let us into the concert AKYB-038 sent out 3 spies to follow us. Once inside they would not let us in the room and claimed they were doing a “sound check” but we knew they were installing mind control objects into the instruments to brainwash everyone. Once inside, everything seemed normal but we took notice of how the band pretended to be British but only one said anything because if anyone talked everyone would know that they were really Russians. Not only that but the only people dancing looked to be Russian as well.

Later that night my brother came up to us and we told him what was going on but he didn’t believe us so we knew the brainwash objects had gotten to him and he denied even knowing what we were talking about. When my brother said this, we knew that he was going to report this to the head of the Russian Terrorists and they would know just how much we knew.

Matters only got worse as the night progressed. We tried to act as if we were clueless about the entire situation by playing a game of pool. While playing pool, we saw some kid who stood there watching us the entire time. Finally, after a couple of games, the kid asked if he could join our game. We knew this was just a ploy to get in close and learn just how much we actually new about the Russian Terrorist group. We did not want to act out of place so we casually consented and started the game. The new guy claimed to know how to play but it was apparent from the beginning that he did not have a clue how to play. We pretended not to notice but the lack of know how on his part confirmed our suspicion. Nick did not think they had pool in Russia.

We could feel eyes on us from every direction. People constantly watched us. It felt as if some invisible net was closing in on us. Just as we thought the Russian Terrorists would close the trap, my brother came over and informed us it was time to go. He seemed to have recovered for the time being from the earlier brain washing. For the time being at least. It was time to leave so we made our way into the coatroom and looked for our coats. After checking them for tracing devices, we went to wait by the door.

We waited and waited, but our ride did not come. Again, we began to grow nervous. Why weren’t my parents coming to pick us up? Nick and I began to fear the worse. Our parents had probably become prisoners of the Russian terrorists. A person falling down the stairs towards where we were standing interrupted our thoughts. He ran into us almost bowling Nick completely over. We were immediately suspicious. No one just falls down staircases in Canada. We only fall up them. The Russians had just given themselves away. Everyone knows that only Russians fall down stairs. Again, we searched ourselves for foreign objects that could be used to trace us.

Our suspicions were confirmed. We found a rare five-dollar coin in Nick’s pocket. Five-dollar coins are only found in Russia so we knew it to be from Russian currency. Why would they plant a coin though? We took all the necessary precautions. Since it might have been some kind of explosive devise, we tried throwing onto the floor and stomping on it. We even tried lighting it on fire but nothing happened. It only got warmer. It was then that we realized just what kind of evil masterminds we were up against. There could be only one explanation as to why they would plant this coin on Nick. In the event that a police raid was made, Nick and I would be found with the coin. This would make us out to be the Russian Terrorists while the real terrorists would get away free and easy. They were good but we were better. We dropped the coin secretly into an old lady’s sweater pocket.

Finally, our ride came and we got into the van. At first, my brother did not come out of the building. We were just about to tell my parents to leave without him and that we would explain later when he came out, a young female was escorting him. She wore a white sweater and had dreads in her hair. We feared that she was giving him last minute instructions through hypnosis. Indeed as we left the parking lot, he seemed almost not present in mind.

We thought for the time being that we had managed to leave the Russians behind but we were wrong. Coming down the highway directly towards our van were Russian tanks. We screamed our warning to my parents but they seemed not to notice the tanks.

It was then that Nick and I realized that my parents were slaves to the Russians through hypnosis. The tanks barricaded the road leaving us with no escape. My parents stopped the van and calmly got out. They left us three sitting in the van while they walked out to meet the Russian host. From one of the tanks emerged an imposing figure of a woman in a Russian uniform. Clearly, she was of high rank. My parents saluted her and walked away behind the tanks. My brother turned around and grinned at us from the front seat. He laughed like a mad man and then he too left and copied my parents actions.

The commander then walked out to meet us. We had nowhere to go and feared for our jacket buttons, which they most certainly would take as they are a scanty commodity in Russia. The tall Russian commander came to the front of the van and did a most curious thing. She put her head forward and squinted like she could not see very well. We got out and approached her trying all the while not to show our jacket buttons.

I asked the obvious. “Who are you?” She seemed puzzled and then understood. She put her fist up into the air and then pointed to herself. “Me strong like bull. Good breeding stock.” She then continued to squint and stare at us. So ludicrous was the look that Nick fell on the ground laughing and announced that he had to go to the bathroom.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a great roar erupted as many screaming Russian agents poured out from the tanks to stand in front of us. The whole while they cheered and pushed their fists into the air copying that of their female leader. I don’t know why they did this but I thought it must be because of what Nick did.

They took us to a small room where they noticed our jacket buttons and attacked us with bananas. In the panic, I shot one that seemed to be in charge and took his banana for a snack on the way home. This only made the others angry so I took my jacket and threw it at them in hopes that they would be so busy trying to get the buttons that they would not notice us leave. As they fought over the buttons I ran while eating my banana that was very good incase you wanted to know.

After I made it back home, I remembered that my parents were in on this whole thing too. So, I gathered my stuff and went to the forest to live with the squirrels. After five days of living on rabbit and squirrel meat, I decided to go back home and take the risk, but when I got home my brother and parents pretended nothing ever happened. So, the question is did this all really happen or are the Russian Terrorists after me? I don’t think I will know until it is too late.