 | Entrance | Main | Wiki | List of forums | The Writings |
2005-05-09 Lerune: o.O Freakish...rea 2005-05-09 All_Most PUNK: Well, I was 18 when I wrote that. Now I need to see that story o_O 2005-05-09 Lerune: Well, I have about 75 pages of disconnected stuff on this guy, named Adrian, who looks much like you described your Adrian, and he is also a vampire. One of my more developed scenes involves a subway encounter. The only difference is, my Adrian is searching for his love, he doesn't already have her... o.O 2005-05-09 All_Most PUNK: my godfather's name is Adrian. Bah, Adrián. Adrian and Amanda's relation is a little... chaotic. (as can be seen in Matrimonial Argument, another short story). And yes, that's freaky O_o I want to read that. Can you send it to me? 2005-05-09 Lerune: Maybe I can send you the amazing first page...the only thing I have that I like out of the story. The rest is too chaotic...my supporting characters are not evolving well, his background is not evolving well. All I have well-developed is Adrian as a character, his love interest and her supportive characters. I'll look at it and see what is suitable for anyone else to see and send it along. 2005-05-09 All_Most PUNK: Please, do so. 2005-06-13 Stephen: Once again, you did an excellent job. You story is well written, and well put together. 2005-06-20 All_Most PUNK: Thanks a lot. 2005-07-02 Stephen: We’re better. We’re the perfect race. And that’s why you’re afraid of us, because you know that you can’t defeat us. 2005-07-05 All_Most PUNK: That's a typo :P 2005-07-06 Stephen: Well... 2005-07-06 All_Most PUNK: They are that way on purpose. The idea is that they are thought and thought aren't always linear and tend to jump around, at least a little. 2005-07-14 Stephen: Like I said, I wasn't sure if they were part of the story or not. It is very good though :)[All_Most PUNK]: 15.Hunters and Preys
Rating: 0.00 Uploaded by: Created: 2005-07-05 17:12:12Previous:Keywords: Vampires hunt thoughtsAn old intent to tell a story only by the thoughts of the characters. Pretty clumsy, of course, and forced, but that's hard to avoid. Experimentation, if you want.Genre:ChildrensStyle:short storyLicense:Free for readingStupid underground. I can’t stand it anymore. Always full of people, hundreds of persons pressed, pushing the others, fighting for a small space, some air. And it’s even worse because I’m coming from my job, my terrible job and my even worse boss and his intents of seduce me… not, not seduce me, violate me. And not just the physically, the mental pressure is impossible to support. His dirty comments. Just because I’m his secretary he thinks… Finally, my stop… Freedom, sweet freedom. Now just six blocks and then my home… my home.
I’ve been watching her since she took the underground. She’s pretty, but that doesn’t matter. Not for me. I don’t care about her appearance. It doesn’t matter for what I want her. You, the humans, think that we care about that, but no, we don’t. Your beauty is ephemeral, our life is forever.
The reason why I choose her is because I can read in her the despair, the desire of finish with the routine, with her insupportable life.
I’m not of the romantic kind –we, the vampires usually aren’t –if we don’t count that stupid of Angelus and a couple more-. I have no problem with fed on you –I prefer to fed on you than to fed in animals-. But the blood changes its taste depending of the emotions the human is feeling. And that girl looks and smells really delicious.
Now she walks hurriedly to the exit. I’m fifteen steps behind her. We go up the stairs and we’re out into the night. The night, my mother, my lover and my life. She’s almost everything for me, but I’m nothing for her. Sometimes no-life is unfair.
I follow the girl in the almost desert street.
Maybe I’m paranoiac, but I think that guy is following me. This is a dangerous city, and this is one of the worst zones. I should move, but I don’t have enough money. I could ask my mother to lend me some, but that would be going against my desires and my independence. Maybe in a few months, if I get that raise in my salary…
It’s a cute guy, in a dark way. His hair is very dark and contrasts with his pale face. He’s tall… I can’t think in that way. He can be a madman, some kind of pervert. And he’s following me.
She has seen me. She accelerates. I don’t know what is she thinking –I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t think that I’m a vampire, because you’re very denying our existence-, but she has realized that she’s in danger. Better.
The problem with you humans is that you can’t understand us. But we know you. After all we used to be humans. But now we’re more. We’re better. We’re the perfect race. And that’s why you’re afraid of us, because you know that you can’t defeat us. Oh, you have some weapons: the stakes, the mirrors, the silver, the crosses, your “faith”… But in the end we’ll win. And then it’ll be us and our mother-night against our only real enemy: the day. And we will be the winners in that battle, too.
But, now, it’s hunt time.
The dark guy is behind me, but I’m almost in my building. Just a few more seconds and… hey, he isn’t behind me anymore. Everything was a false alarm, just another demonstration of my hyperactive mind and my melodramatic personality.
I’m in the hall of my building. Everything’s calm. Easy, heart. Nothing happens. Everything’s fine. I’m so stupid. Ja, very stupid. The bad, bad guy was going to attack me. Yes, sure. I should stop watching movies. Now I will arrive home and I will find him inside, waiting for me. Ja…
The guy was just going to some place near and I… Ok, the elevator is here. There’s somebody inside. I hope is not that man that lives in the fifth floor. I… What? You? Hel… hmmm…hmm…
I love the face the humans make when I use that trick. I’m behind them, now I’m waiting for them at some place, like this elevator. Did you like it, my dinner? I think it’s really funny.
I take the girl with my arms, I don’t let her scream. I don’t want problems just to have dinner. I can see the fear in her face while I bite her neck and drink the delicious blood. But I don’t care. It’s not that we, the vampires, don’t have feelings. I have a wife, Amanda, and I really love her, even if we (discuss) all the time. It’s just that we don’t let the emotions to take control of our actions, to control our no-lives. And that’s why we will defeat you. Because of that and because we are eternal.
A cloud of smoke involves Adrian and, seconds later, a big bat flies into the night, leaving behind the corpse of a young woman.
(Though, you had a few spelling and grammar issues, do you want me to tell you of them?)
Sure, go ahead.
Also, there are some fragmented sentaces, but that's the only real mistake! Good job.
For example? Sometimes, the fragmented thing is done on purpose, but they may be some mistakes there too.
The following are fragments:
His dirty comments.
Now just six blocks and then my home… my home.
Your beauty is ephemeral, our life is forever. (Comma use, you may want an "and" in there)
I’m fifteen steps behind her.
The night, my mother, my lover and my life.
Ja, very stupid.
Because of that and because we are eternal.
There, although they look to be there on purpose.