2005-12-30 Emily: -Squeals.- It was a fight scene! I love fight scenes! It was well-done, too. Though, I have some suggestions about how to make it smoother. 2005-12-31 YokoTsuta: Ah, I never noticed before o.o (This was written two years ago)[YokoTsuta]: 250.As the Night Goes On.Stranger in the Dark
Rating: 0.00
She was leaning against a crumbling brick building covered in thick layers of spray paint and graffiti, under the cover of the lip of the roof. The newest layer was a large mural, painted across the entire wall, masking all traces of the authors before it. She vaguely recognized the face of the person featured in the mural.
A figure stood in the black shadows, admiring the macabre collage of numerous artists' renditions of dark beings on the walls. The figure turned its head to one side, looking out the corner of its eye at her. Hana spotted the figure and watched it suspiciously, wondering who it was. It turned and strode toward her, each step sounding a deep muffled thud and a slight jingle of heavy boots. Light from a far off street lamp shortly illuminated his features as he walked through a patch of dull orange light, giving Hana a glimpse of his bright red eyes and unnaturally long glinting teeth. She gasped, trying to back away, finding herself already against a wall. The man started to lunge forward as a blur of movement blocked his path. The blur gracefully elbowed him square in the back and forced the attacker's face down into its knee, all in one fell motion. The blur slowed as its body completed the first stage of its attack, just long enough for Hana to recognize the face of the face of this mysterious savior before it grabbed the attacker by the neck and flung him, sending him tumbling into a pile of garbage on the opposite side of the alley.
“Don't…mess…wi
Soft, deep laughter came from the shadows, erupting into hysterical cackling; the echoes stinging their ears. The man darted out of the shadows toward Riku, who stood frozen. Rike blinked as the man sneered not a foot from his face. He looked down as blood flowed over the gnarled hand that pierced his upper stomach. The attacker watched smugly as Riku stared wide eyed at his blood dripping onto the muddy bricks of the alleyway. The red bangs shadowed Riku's face and his whole body shook as he continued to stare. An almost death-like silence enclosed the alley, only the sound of the Riku's harsh breathing penetrating the silence.
Hana gasped and quickly tried to stifle the sound with her hand. It had a strange feel to it, almost stickiness. She stared in horror as Riku's blood trickled down her wrist from her upheld hand. His blood had flowed with the rain water, staining the mud covered bricks with a thin layer of blood. She struggled to stand, but found her legs gave way under her. Her head swam and a dull thud could be heard as she hit the ground.
Riku's eyes flashed angrily at the sound of the thud and drove his heavy-booted foot into his foe's stomach, flinging him back into the poster covered brick wall seven feet away.
"Give up while you're alive," he spat at the man, his eyes bright. He looked at the hole in his stomach and grimaced.
The man laughed, his injured ribs and lungs soon causing him to choke and cough wildly. He stood up, hunched over, holding onto the wall for support, still coughing. A thin line of blood ran down his chin.
"You have three choices: one, stand up straight and leave; two, I kill you here and now; or three, stay here and tell me why you attacked, and even then, I still might choose to kill you," Riku glared coldly at the man, who stared back.
The man wheezed and wiped the blood off his chin with the back of his hand.
"You have four seconds before I decide for you, and leave you no chance of living," Riku towered over the man, his silver gaze cold and bloodthirsty.
The man looked up at Riku, "What do you want to know?"
"Why did you attack us?" Riku demanded of the man, bending down to look him straight in the eye. His hand covered the hole in his stomach, blood trickling over his fingers out of the wound.
"I wanted the girl," the man nodded towards Hana, who still lay sprawled on the wet bricks.
"She's my girl," Riku replied, narrowing his eyes, glaring at the man with contempt. "Now what is your name, who do you work for?"
The man gathered enough strength to stand up straight and stared at Riku. "My name is Daisuke. I work for So-"
He began coughing violently, unable to continue speaking.
Riku was right in his face in a second, his hand around Daisuke's throat, "Who do you work for?" Riku repeated his question.
"S...Sonoran Toryuu. He wanted her," Daisuke pointed shakily at Hana, "He didn't tell me she'd have a vampire with her."
Riku's grip on the man's throat tightened, "Well now you know," he smirked, light glinting off a small fang.
"P-please…let go…"
"You gave the answers, but…."
He glanced over at Hana while he said this. She leant against a pile of trash, her body hunched over...complet
"You hurt someone very important to me...and for that, I shall not let you live!"
Riku lunged forward, only a small blur of color, drawing back to his original position, flashing one of his roguish grins. Daisuke gazed at Riku, his eyes slowly becoming blurred and unfocused. He struggled to keep his balance but slowly fell to his knees. The ornate silver hilt of a dagger glinted softly from the man’s mid-section. Blood flowed over the hilt, dripping off it. Riku knelt down in front of him; looking intently into his eyes. He leaned forward, slowly drawing closer. Daisuke did not move, but kept staring blankly where Riku’s eyes had been. Riku smirked, tilting his head to look at Daisuke’s neck. He slowly sank his fangs into his neck, the blood flowing into Riku’s mouth.
Riku swallowed and he stood up, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small flask, a single bent cigarette, and a silver lighter with miniscule dragons engraved into the metal.
He put the cigarette between his lips and lit it, slipping the lighter back into his pocket. He uncapped the little flask and poured its contents on Daisuke's mangled body.
Riku crouched by the man, looking into his face, which still had a look of horror mixed with shock. He reached out and pulled his dagger from the man's stomach.
"Goodbye, my friend," Riku said as he dropped his cigarette on the man, the liquid he had poured instantly igniting.
These were the words that you used repetitively:
Gasp
Crouch
Lunge
Blood
The blood one is okay, since it's hard to avoid, but you can get more creative and use things like "crimson water" or... something sassy like that.
And, then something that was awfully confusing:
Light from a far off street lamp shortly illuminated his features as he walked through a patch of dull orange light, giving Hana a glimpse of his bright red eyes and unnaturally long glinting teeth. She gasped, trying to back away, finding herself already against a wall.
She gasped, she gasped, she gasped... why can't she scream? She can scream, choke, croak, wail, moan, groan, squeal, pip... endless endless. Also, you seem to use 'light' excessively. I suggest using a different type of word, such as, "The orange light above him flickered, giving Hana such the barest glimpse of his face."
Otherwise, Riku ish teh sexy, ooo la la.
The street lamp was supposed to be in the distance, and they're in an alley. He just walked through the light coming into the alley.