[Blood and Chocolate on my Fangs]: 253.Myself in Truth

It has finally occured to me...I live in a bed of lies.
~~I am 19 and one of those girls who live to give men what they want only to take it away. More or less, I let them believe they can have what they can't. My worst attack so far was on a boy who at the time was the same age I am now.

 His name was Johnathan. I was alone, had been for almost a year. The man I loved having left me to learn my hardest lesson. Even love can't withstand confusion. Anyway, that is a tale for another time. For now let me tell you about Johnathan. I was in class, randomly clicking through elftown profiles, reading the work and whatnot. I came across this profile and it was a guy's, who happened to be a very good poet. The work described just how I felt. When I read it something struck me. I wanted to find out more about this poet.

 I messaged him saying I liked his work. From then on we started talking and sharing work. We even wrote some stuff together. He was very insecure...I couldn't at first understand why but it later became very clear. He had a terrible past. Parents always fighting...to some even darker happenings that out of respect I will never utter to anyone else. His pain was what made him a good writer. It was the saddness that got my attention.

 Gradually things escalated. He even came to my prom. We live like 4 states away so that is a big deal. Shortly after prom my first love walked back into my life. By this time I was engaged. Kinda silly for not having known the guy for very long. I warned him when my love came back, told him he needed to hurry and move here...but by that time it was far too late. One look and it was all over. All the reasons I loved the man came flooding back and it wouldn't have mattered if Johnathan had moved down here.

 I made a promise more then a year before to always be there when Patrick needed me. I needed to fulfill that promise, both for his sake and my own. I had to find out if it was everything I had hoped it would be.

 But what about my promise to be with John forever...? Turns out the feelings weren't skin deep. In fact I had just been biding my time. I knew he would come back to me. I just didn't know when. I broke the new's to John as easily as I could...I didn't think I wanted to hurt him. It even seemed to hurt me to do so. I was wrong though. It didn't hurt. It was a dose of something I badly needed.

 I now know what it feels like to hunt, then feel the rush of blood in my mouth after the tare of flesh. It gives such and ecstatic feeling. In truth I was just gaining someones trust and then using it all against them...but I know it is the same. It is what I feel before I get the urge to run into the night. Like vodka to a drunk...I couldn't get enough.

 I find that even today, more then a year later, I am still feeling the urge to do so. Even though I have the love of my life...the animal inside of me is still not satisfied. She craves the lure, then the kill. The pain it causes them makes no difference. That is what gives me the thrill. When I get extremely into the moment I even feel the points of my teeth, like a starving wolf.

There truly is an animal in me. I almost growl at other girls I see as a threat. Certain men are like...my territory. If I sense a girl I don't like getting to close, I want to rip their throat out. There are some I find suitable for my boys, but not many. I'm currently keeping tabs on a couble of boys who are already in relationships, just watching to be sure no bitch tries to mess things up. I'm even toying with one. Kind of like a cat and mouse game. I am flirting as if I'm interested, and causing quite and uproar. The fun hasn't even started yet. We shall see just how interesting this can get.





Have you ever been in a crowd and felt totaly alone?


Tonight was my lovers birthday. I made an ass out of myself and feel so bad. I wonder if I really ruined his birthday, or will he just party with his friends and forget about me. It hurts to think that...but in truth...I'm not sure what's true.

I'm a shy person by nature. I don't like parties, or big crowds of people. I love one on one conversations, maybe with two other people but never more. I just start getting depressed and feeling alone.

It started out just me him and another guy. I didn't mind too much. Then the other guy's girlfriend showed up...at first no big deal. When I left to go get cigaretts while they were all inside watching something about south park, I came back and his brother in law and sister had joined the three. I felt out of place as it was so that didn't help. Then he asked me where I went and why. I told him and he said it didn't make any sense.

I didn't want to sit in the weird silence that followed so I decided to leave. I gathered my dogs and put them in the car and left. I thought I had said goodbye but I guess I didn't. I thought I left my drink there so I quickly came back only to find I hadn't. He came to me and asked what my problem was, said I hurt his feelings by leaving without saying goodbye.

I told him I just needed to get away. I didn't like sitting. He knows my feelings when it comes to gatherings but he always seems to forget. I drove off and cruised around town for a while. I rarely feel this bad but tonight I do. He was really hurt. I asked if he wanted to come with me but I could tell he didn't want to. He said he would like it if I stayed, but I couldn't go back.

To feel so alone, never knowing why, even though people are there, talking and laughing. It just doesn't feel right. Yet to be in a crowded room, the lights dim, the music blaring, I can dance in a mass of faceless bodies. No ones attention is focused on me or on any one person. I don't feel alone there even though I am more alone then any other time. I love him, more than anything I want to make him happy. I just can't bring myself to stay and fake a smile.