[shadow in the midst]: 279.My Storey

"Just another day..." slid through her mind. The words killing her to think of. So many things rushed to her, but none of them were of any comfort. She was pained with this day, and forever she had it to remind her.

A tear slid past her eye, but to no ones apprehension but hers. He, she... they were all just there to taunt her until once again she could escape. Not completely, but as close as she ever could. As far as she ever dared...

"Hey," a voice lulled from a distance, bringing her back almost to focus, "Did you see what happened..." The voice faded again. Less out of a distraction and more because she really didnt care. Just another person and another stupid thing that they had to say. Nothing to her.

A nod or two satisfied yet another as he turned around from seeing her lack of interest. They seemed to know that she didnt want to hear it, yet they always had more to say. More useless words in a useless day.

She zoomed in to the little ridges on the tip of her fingernails, seeing how imperfect they really were. She really was. She hated how nothing could ever be just right. There was always something that had to be wrong. Always.

"Shut up," she told herself, agitated at how she always seemed to say the wrong things at the wrong time. She hated her for it. It was like she was the only one who knew what really bugged her... and she took advantage of it.

Quickly finding a diversion she went on to the topic of school. "So when does this end?" her mind asked her, more accusingly than curious, "So you can get on with wasting your life alone." She ignored the last comment, with a slight tinge of pain, and a long stare at the clock above. She wasnt really looking for the time... just at it. Her eyes couldnt concentrate, couldnt focus on such a little, useless thing. Like so many others. "Just two more years," she told herself, "until I can escape... for good."

A beautiful song almost made its way into her head, thinking of such a moment, but in an instant it was lost. While only two more years may seem so little the time seemed to drag by slower with every mistake that she made. Every moment that she lived seemed to be a path that was wrong, and every breath she took made her want to stop the next. "Its just too much." she often thought, "Just too much..."

The ring jolted her off of the clock, the time seemed completley unimportant now. She rushed off to her next class in hope that it would make the time seem like less of a torture as she tried to block out thoughts. All of them. Not even stopping to recognize the seemingly cute boys... for they all were just time bombs in disguise. All just arrows waiting to pierce, wanting to see more blood and hear more screams. She couldnt even look at a guy anymore and swoon. Her hope for guys was long past and her only dream was that, perhaps, outside this repugnant town, that there were guys worth risking heartbreak for.

Her next class she smiled, she felt a need just to have happiness even if the moments did not call for them. She just had the need to laugh, even though when she did she knew in her mind that it was a stupid reason, and she was a freak for even trying. She didnt want to care though. She knew, but she didnt want anyone else to know, how pathetic she was. The things they said seemed... insignificant compared to everything else.

Life seemed insignificant when there was so much death... so much darkness.

The teacher called on her, another answer she did not quite think about. If not for writing answers down she would never be called smart. The one thing she clung to. She always felt so proud when a teacher would say, "Good work," or, "Nice job," because thats the only time she ever heard it. The only time she actually did something right.

But then lunch came, and she saw her old friends having so much fun. She wished she could too. They went out, smoked, drank, had fun with guys. She never did. She always had a tinge of pain that she didnt fit in with them and that she never talked to them anymore. But that pain always, almost instantly, would change to hatred. It was always easier to deal with hate than with pain. Pain is personal, but hatred you can always blame on someone else.

At least she had a different group now. They were troubleless. She never quite fit in anymore, but she knew she could always just stand around there to help her feel less alone. Thats all she ever felt anymore. Never quite happy or close, just less alone.

So she sat there, eating as much as she could. She knew she wasnt quite eating enough but it was just so hard to. To be filled with disgust, anger and, sadly enough, pain, filled her up so full the very thought of food made her want to vomit. Food could never look so repungant, for the more food she ate, the more feelings she could feel... and the more she wished that her next party be a funeral.

Her friends laughed around her, so she smiled. She liked to talk to strangers for she knew that she never had to talk to them again. If she wanted she could tell them the world, and they would probably be nicer about it than any 'friend' around her. She actually felt more and more distant as she heard them laugh and she couldnt feel their happiness. Their relief.

So she sat there, pinching at a slight slate of flesh, releasing the need to cry. The need to scream. The pain built up inside her had risen but as they slowly died down, so did she. It was easier to be happier when they werent. She ate another small bite of her sandwhich, feeling its thick, clumpy bread scratch hard against her mouth and all the way down her throat. "I can't eat another bite," she told herself, knowing it was finally true. "But dont you remember...?" she whispered, not really wanting her to. It was too painful to remember. And what was worse is it was about to happen all... over... again...

They said her name and she looked up. Not really as in they were trying to get her attention, just as part of the sentence. She spat a questioning glance, more out of habit than out of really caring. Then, as fast as they had caught her attention they lost it. They weren't quite talking about her, just a time when she was there. Where she followed along. Not that she was disappointed, actually more relieved, to find that she did not have to speak or even worry about what it was they were saying. Not that she really would anyways... just more than usual.

She put her hand up to cradle her face, turning slightly away from the crowd. Not as a strong defiance but just a little so she could hope not to be recognized for her absence. For her lack of interest. She just wanted this day to go by with the least pain possible. She knew though, that that would never happen again.

She decided she had finished, and placed it to the top corner of her desk for the rest of the people to take their pick. Like dogs they would crowd around with intent for food, intimidating with their stature and persistence. But she never felt the need to give in. She just didnt want her parents to worry about her 'diet'. Not that she really cared, it was just easier to go to bed when there was no one pestering her about HER life. That they tried to control. Her mind thought, sometimes, when it had the will to think, "They think they re helping, but... are they really?"

The pain built up inside of her at such a question, which was why she so often refused them to the darkness she bound to herself. It was nice there, quiet and calm. She never had to worry about running into such questions. There was nothing to destroy her silence and therefore she never was able to feel such pain as she had before. "Never Again..."

She got up, with all of her effort to stand tall and firm. Pausing only a moment, she glanced halfway to their eyes and saw that there was no question to what she was doing and went on her way. Lunch was almost over, finally, and she went to ditch her lunch kit and pick up her books with hesitation in her steps. She didnt want to go back to face them any faster than she had to. She didnt want to sit there and not be able to smile like she used to, or talk to them like she used to. There was just too much standing in the way. Too much pain. Too much time. Too much...

"Hey," said someone, she did not completely know who, awkwardly but friendly all of the same. The girl could tell that she was upset, but she really didnt feel so. Just... distant. A little hurt but not as bad as she knew she could be. Just... darker. The girl tried to smile, encouraging her to do more, so she faked one. A little twitch in the corners of her mouth so that they almost pulled upwards. Each movement of her lips made her quiver though and her strength almost collapsed.

The feeling of a smile reminded her of times that seemed so ancient. Times where she smiled because she wanted to. Times where she was... happy. Things just couldnt be so great anymore though. Things were too different and after all that happened... she didnt know what more to think.

"Hi..." a faint whisper blew from her lips as she turned away, not really caring if she heard her or not. It didnt matter to her. The layers of school books looked more appealing, more accepting. The more people tried to talk to her the more she'd crack and break down. The less strong she would be and the less she could just keep on telling them, "I'm good." It was hard though, to keep on going when around her there were people that she would secretly keep messages about. People she would continually keep a record about, disgusting her about how pathetic and repulsive the human civilization really is. Nobody is actually good, only better than others. At certain things. Nothing more perfect, for no human could be labelled as such. Perfect. The thing he was to her...

But she shuddered at his face, at his name... at his thought. To be reminded of a time she was so weak as to actually want to be held by a man was apalling to her. She was apalling. There would never be a day where she could look at herself in a mirror and be at peace with it. Or even be able to blame it on him. It was her that stood there, it was her that held him back... it was her. Nothing could justify how much time she wasted on him no matter how much time she spent at a church or spent in self disgust. Or even in disgust of him. Nothing could make it right again...

Nothing.

The label she yearned for, sounding so easy and peaceful. She wouldnt kill herself though. She knew that that would just be giving in. Letting them win. She may, in the end, ask for someone else to kill her, but never do it herself. "Life is just too precious," they would say. She would smile and nod, but inside want to scream at them. "How could they ever believe such things?" she'd say, "When I cant even stand to live..."

But she refused to do any more than plan her deaths. Others deaths. Any death would justify it. The life she lived, the pain she held, and the yearn for destruction of years long past. Nothing could have been more real to her than to stand in a doorway with a bloody knife. Guns werent personal enough. Pills didnt take so much effort. Choking always has a chance for backlash. A knife, though, seemed perfect and poetic and something that They would always remember...

But then she would snap out of it. Out of her pleasing fantasies, and into the real world. Or as close as she ever came in days such as those. Where she saw faces that tried to care. But they didnt. They were, deep down, only caring for themselves for as they looked into her dead eyes they felt a minute spring of pain that she did. But only minutely. They could never tell how badly she yearned to die. How bad she yearned even just to escape. For there were pressures and pains and nothing left that she really wanted to live for. Just nothing quite yet to push her off of that ridge that held so faintly the line of her sanity.

Another ring sounded, but more farther in the distance. She was walking toward the classroom and in what seemed as two steps people crowded around her. She sheltered herself by the wall, walking where she knew her next class would be. People laughed and shoved and stopped and turned and tickled and screamed... and she just kept on walking. Not really noticing. Not really caring. As usual...

Making it to the doorway at last she went in, fast, head down in order to avoid their glances. Their suspicions. They always wanted to know. Not because they cared just because she was always around, and they had to live with her anyways, so they just wanted to know. To be able to say, "Oh yeah, and you know... her... she..." and actually be able to know that its right. Well sometimes she felt like just waiting at the doorway for others to come so she wouldnt have to walk in first. So that she could blend in. Not be noticed. Or questioned. Or anything... just to be there.

She was tripped, slightly and flung her foot out in front of her to keep from falling. A hand, firm but gentle flashed onto her right arm, catching her by surprise and making her forget about her foot. She whipped her head around in surprise to see a face she d never really seen before then. It seemed almost concerned, but not quite. It was calm and it was slim. He was looking at her feet, and her into his eyes. They were a dulled green with almost a rim of brown. They seemed to slowly fade into each other, neither having precise lines or limits. And hair that was almost brown, but darker. Like a brown that you may see on a moonless night or in a shadow. It had little plays with the light, little locks sticking out, lying almost as if they could not get in the way of his eyes. Just around them... very ... different.


She stumbled off, falling backwards and to the right but was stabled by his hand which held fused to her arm. His eyes finally looked up, and hers away. She was instantly embarrassed that she had stared at him so intently and rushed off away from him as soon as her eyes lost his. "Idiot..." she said to herself. "Now he thinks I like him. Good going... ugh." She became frustrated with everything and took the first seat she could. Looking down, at her hands folded under the desk, she recalled his eyes and told herself how weak she was being. "No wonder I always get hurt..."

One tear escaped but she was quick to blink away the rest. The times would never change and she had to remember... he's just another guy, another pain, another heartache... waiting to happen. His touch though would not leave her mind and she sat there fighting against herself. Against her better judgement.

The teacher stood up and she realized it as her cue to move. To stop thinking and move along with the rest of them. The crowd of bodies surrounding her was enough to help her get lost in their senseless motion. In their mindless herding. To feel the sense of security that she wasnt alone... it was almost enough to make her forget. But not quite. There was a thick odour of sweat and stale air that hung around whenever she was a part of them, but she didnt care. It was never as bad as what she went through when she was alone. At least now she knew, in some way, she wasnt alone.

She saw him, a glimpse between the bodies, the heads, the hair. He seemed different from the rest, as a tulip stands out among roses. The rest of the people talked but he just walked along with them, seeming distant, but strangely joyous. She tried not to really care, and in all truth she really didnt. It just seemed that he caught her attention more than the others. She blew it off as just curiousity and walked along with the pressing amounts of people.

She went to her next class, as loud as it was yesterday, and the day before. People were being stupid, she couldnt even understand how they could laugh at such things. Such useless things. But she never truly caught a whole conversation. Only bits and pieces. She finally gave up on trying to pretend to be normal and gave in to her book.

She tried to be absorbed in it, to forget everyone and everything. But she couldnt. There was this constant nag on her, this constant distraction. Her nose, her eyes and her lips all felt itchy at once. She heard little words from outside of the pages, talking about stupid little things that made her want to go back to reality just to show her anger. Her frustration. "Disgusting..." her mind repeated, slowly but very intense. "Fools..."

She heard, then, a faint noise. She heard "Je..." then a hazed noise. Startled, she felt a twitch in her right hand and a cold chill startle her hair. She looked, slowly, around to see if anything was there. She attempted to make it look more casually than insane, for then people may have asked questions. Nothing more irritating than people thinking that you are crazy. She knew that...

Then she tried to concentrate more on that sound that she heard. To find out if she had heard it from somewhere... but nothing was clear. She tried to hear it again but when she did she blamed it on the fact that she was looking for it. Whispers flashed around her, all different somehow than the one that she had heard before. She closed her eyes to blink back her insanity, her world and tried to study her book. The words blurred together, but they were better than her world. To do nothing would be better than her world. And that is what she chose...

"So," a friend came over, presumedly to see her, "how are you?"

"Like you care!" she wanted to say, but she held back. "Good." she said flatly, insistent on not meeting their eyes. Not to provoke them. She didnt need their help no matter what kind of a nutcase they thought she was. She was fine, just as long as no one was around to bother her. Only when she was with other people was she really hurt. Only then could she be reminded of how alone she really was, or always would be. If only she could finally have complete isolation...

She lightly touched her fist to the table, trying to make the appearance that she was relaxed, but her fists were still tense. The blood pumped through her and her mind was sending tempting images. She saw her fist smash through the table, rip through the pages and take each of her classmates life one by one before her eyes...

"So, yeah," she said, trying to spread a smile, but only creating a little smirk about to fashion. She finally caught their eyes, and though they almost looked hurt she knew that seconds later it would disappear. As soon as someone else had caught their attention their pain will disappear, unlike hers. She looked away quickly, trying to hold back the urge to tell them to get lost. "Be nice." she told herself.

So often now I just went through things without thinking. Just told myself, "Whatever, its gotta be done..." and then let instinct kick in. It was never that bad, just harder when I thought about it. When I thought about being nice to someone. No reasons actually came apparent to me, it was always just something that had to be done... always...

She caught the vibe, finally, and left to her other friends. The happy ones. The ones that laughed with her, at nothing, or at stupid little things. Like the rest of them. Face after face of the same thing... how irritating. As if one wasnt annoying enough.

The bell rang and another class was over, and I headed towards French class. Last class of the day. Finally. I headed fast wanting no one to try to 'help' me before I was at least able to sit. It took so much energy to hold back. My fist, my words, everything of mine just wanted to scream.

But then I saw him. The new guy. He passed by me to what I thought seemed slower than usual, but I couldnt really tell. His eye seemed to catch mine and hold it firm. Against all of my will. All of my knowledge. But nothing more than infatuation. Nothing more than curiousity. I wasnt that stupid. Not anymore...

He sat a couple seats behind me, and continually I felt eyes on the back of my head. I had an urge to turn around and confirm my guess but I suddenly fell stupid, not knowing how to do so without looking obvious. Looking pathetic. I never heard his voice, no matter how hard I focused. People were talking, as always but there seemed to be no new voices. The only thing I could really hear or feel were his breaths and his stare.

Awkwardly, I decided to 'drop' my pen and pick it up and catch a glance. I did so, but as I saw him my suspicions were only half correct. It seemed like he was looking at me, but shifting gazes. As if there was something else... Caught off guard, I paused for a moment, leant off to the side of my chair, staring at him. Embarrassed, I quickly turned my head around and tried to focus on my French. If only it wasnt so difficult for me... then maybe I could forget about him. About the urge to just look at him again. See his lips, his hair... and most of all his eyes...

"Jenny?..." the teacher said, in complete shock to me. I sat there, not knowing what to say or what to do. Not only did I not know what she was asking me but I was having difficulty in French. Not to mention distractions...

"I uhh... I dont know." I said, looking down, rustling papers, trying to come up with some kind of answers. I always tried to be good in school, but this was really hard for me. I always depended on one language and so far that had come through for me. But now I had to learn more... and it was really difficult. I felt my face go beat red and I felt a tear almost form as I felt the complete pressure of being a failure; a loser. No matter how little it may have seemed to someone else, this was the only thing that I had to take pride in, and not having the answer was really hard for me to admit.

A few giggles sounded in the back, and all the teacher did was give me an annoyed glance and move on. "Whatever," I told myself, "at least its only French."

The rest of French class was even harder, she continually gave me these looks like, "Dont you at least know this one??" and all I could do was try to avoid them. Try to pay attention, but not stand out. It was hard for me though. To be so close up front and avoid the glance of a teacher, who just seemed to keep on talking especially in my direction. It wouldnt have mattered to me if she was talking in Latin, I couldnt have been more lost. It was just a horrible class, and the longest half an hour I have ever had.

After the bell finally wrang I was all too quick to get out of there, but wanted to be sure not to mess up on my way out. Today was full enough of embarrassments, let alone the one that I had just showing my face. As I reached for my books, scrunching them into the neatest possible pile in the least possible time I felt a little tap on my shoulder. Surprised I cautiously turned around, thinking of what kind of trick could be waiting for me on the other side. A spider. An egg. Another blank face with another opinion on how I am screwing myself over.

But when I turned around it wasnt what I expected. In fact quite the opposite. It was him. The stranger. The one that was different, somehow. She couldnt quite tell if the difference made him cuter or more repungant, but then again she couldnt quite think right about him. There was something... it reminded her of... something...

"...Ya, uhh hi," He said, sounding like he had something to say but didnt know quite how to say it. "I was just wondering, 'cause well, you know, I kind of heard you have trouble with this, so perhaps..." He barely glanced at me. Almost like he was nervous somehow. Embarrassed perhaps.

"Are you serious?" I said, almost not sure I even heard him. "You think I need your help? Are you saying I'm stupid??!! I cant believe you... just... ugh!" I said, almost screaming. Most of the class was gone, but the ones that were still there were staring in shock. I didnt care though. And to think I thought he was different! What was it that made me blind to how stupid he was? Just like everyone else. I didnt even want to hear what he had to say back to me, he had already said enough. More than enough. "They all think im worthless... stupid... crazy. Well now they have reason. THERE! I ADMIT IT! IM CRAZY! Is that what they want to hear???!!!" her thoughts raced.

I dropped my books and ran straight for the bathroom. In the hall though, I got lost in the mesh of people staring at me and headed straight for the change room, which was closer and so much easier. It was just all too much...

"If only I could go home..." she whispered, aloud, not even caring anymore if anybody was listening. She already destroyed today nothing could make it any worse. But she knew she couldnt. There would be no one there, there would be no way to get in. And besides, what would she tell her dad? That she was sick? She hadnt been sick in four years, and she doubted that her dad would let her get away with it today.

Knowing that she should be off to class she tried to dry her eyes. She tried to come up with an excuse. It makes people worry if you tell them, "I'm late because I was crying in the changeroom." But then again anything she did lately made them worry. Not that she really cared, she just knew that the more that they worried the more they would pester her. If they were able to be selfish, well so was she. Just in her own way.

She walked the few paces to the mirror, shoulders dragging in front of her as though they were made of lead. She looked at herself, hair a mess, makeup smeared... and everything about herself made her disgusted. She felt like knocking that stupid mirror off of its hinge. It made her feel just worse about herself. But instead she decided to clean herself up as best as she could. She smoothed down her hair, took off excess makeup and tried to flash a smile. But to no avail. Nothing could make this pain fade... nothing.

She took a deep breath and decided that she was as good as she ever would be. She got up, eyes closed and stood tall, preparing herself for yet another period of endless tortures. Endless pains. She went out of the room and remembered she had to go back to the French classroom in order to get her books. That she dropped. She was burdened by the embarrassment, but she knew that the worst pain would be seeing him and knowing he was no different.

She walked there, feeling that everyone was staring at her. She was not quite sure that everyone was but she thought that they were. She saw the door, and then her books were sitting there right beside the door. It had a little note on it that she saw when she went to pick it up. One word. "Sorry..."

Her heart melted at first sight, but then she shuddered, reminding herself that he is just a guy. Another liar, cheat, fake... another heartache. Just another. Even though he tried a little harder, made me feel a little bit more its still not worth it. Of all people, she knew, that she should know it.

She picked up her books and slowly trudged to her next class. Her mind ran circles, "But... what if he is different..." it told her. "What if..." but she couldnt take what ifs. They never worked before and even though she always wished that someone would be finally true, finally pure, she knew deep down that it was next to impossible... especially here.

The doorway to her next class came into focus, stood right in front of her but she didnt want to move. She didnt want to think. She wanted, for just a little bit, to not have to do something or be somewhere. To guard herself from all of the pains of life and just... forget what ifs. Forget destruction. Forget all of her memories, so vivid and haunting. She still yearned to feel complete, to cling onto a males flesh, but she knew the price now. Inner death...

She didnt want to see them. To be reminded. They always looked at her to an extreme, either as a disgusting little worthless soul or someone that needs help. Someone thats crazy. But she knew better, at least when she was alone. When she saw the same glances over and over she started to believe them. She started to forget how she really was and rely on what they thought. Foolishly, but she did.

She didnt like being around them. They tried to help, they tried to get her to talk but she never wanted it. She never needed it. Somehow, if she said it aloud it would make things more real, and more unbearable. That much more painful. Things just seemed bad enough with out complicating it enough. Plus after you tell someone you have to be able to trust that person or you may go crazy with suspicion. That was another thing. How could she trust them? She knew they shouldnt trust her, she didnt even trust her, so how could she trust them? It was all just too hard...

But she braved it, more because she knew she had to. More out of habit than out of will. Her will could never even force her to stand up against it all. Her will had failed her years ago and she s now learned that she cannot depend on such a thing. Such a person as herself. How could she? She never was able to pull through...

Moving in she felt all eyes switch to her, and silence fell. It seemed that they all judged her, just as before, but harsher. Even the teacher didnt want to hear what she had to say. It was just her, no one special. No one needed...

She lasted, barely through her day. She kept blinking back tears and telling herself to shut up. She felt the fury in every inch of herself at every word they said. Every stare they sent her. She could never feel so close to death even if she held it within her.

On her way home she saw him. Again. He seemed lost, or looking for something. Although she felt a tinge of guilt for what she had done she knew she could not face him now. Not now, nor ever again. She walked fast to the other corner of the street, hoping that he would not see her. She tried not to look at him, although she did a few times.

He looked back. Although it seemed he wanted to say something he kept on his way as did she. She didnt want to seem obvious or even available. She wasnt. How could she be when she was already so broken... already so pained. He was just another guy, even though it did not seem like that to her... he was. Another chance to ruin her life.

She walked home and tried to not think of him anymore. She was trying to focus on what she would do later. She knew already, although, what she would do. Go home, turn on her music, do her homework... and cry. Like every other day. There were no friends to call up no boyfriend to trust and no parents to care. There was nothing. That was why she never looked for more. For as long as she could remember it had been her against the world, separate from the world in every way and that was how she liked it now. She did not have to depend on anyone for anything. There was always herself and she knew that was all she needed...

Her heart broke a little when she lost contact with the world. The first few minutes where she went to her solitude but it always calmed down. It was easier than if she truly wanted to be with others. Then she would be devastated... and alone.

She lay in her bed, as she always did. Even though she had become used to her solidarity, she still had things to release; tears. They slid down her face as she breathed deep. Swallowing back the need to speak. She had herself now, for sixteen more hours. She rolled over and thought, "My most pleasant fantasy..."

*********Images swarmed, words, acts. Ideas. She saw familiar faces, ones that taunted her. She saw them disappear. She saw them scream out in pain. The pain she felt inside. The pain she always hid. That pain ran down their faces, as did hers, but theirs were richer in the pigment of dark red. Dark death. Dark pain. Darkness...

Their faces revealed how they felt. How she now had the control that they used to have. But not anymore. Now they were all hers to show how much torture she had gone through, and how much they will. Nothing could be more perfect.

"Sick freak!" They screamed. She would laugh, mysteriously. She found humor that they thought that she would actually be hurt by their words anymore. After all of those years. How foolish...

She found pleasure in spreading the pain out more. Slowly teasing them and never telling them what would come next. Each one of them saw her face and heard her laughs, her silent steps, her grinding tools. Favors of her life. Her joy. Her revenge...

"Never again," she would tell her victims mere seconds before they died. That is it. "Never again," being the words that rang into their minds as they faced their fate. Their death. Their consequence. Finally, she felt that she was no longer the pushover she had been for her whole life. Finally she had the power, the life... she had their fate. Their death. Her life.

She was shocked back into life by the ring of her phone. That stupid thing. She always hated it when it rang, although rare it had. Why would it, after all? Nobody cared... She sat staring at it for minutes, trying to wait for it to stop. But it didnt. She picked up the reciever, but quickly second guessed herself. She almost hung up automatically but she heard a voice.

"Once more..." he said. It was him.

She sat there in the stunned silence. They felt the tension which she produced. How could she have felt any different with the way she acted towards him? Still there was something about him. "Must be his nose," she told herself pushing away those thoughts that terrified her more than anything else.

"What... do you mean?" she asked with great hesitance. She didnt even know why she was even talking to him. This was her time! Her home! How in the world would he get her phone number let alone the nerve to call her. She didnt know nor care about him and he obviously didnt feel any better about her. Otherwise he wouldnt have called her stupid. He called her stupid! The nerve...

"Sorry I was going to continue I just... I didnt know if this was the right number or not. I dont even know where those words came from. I was wondering if you were free. Perhaps a walk or something?" he asked, sounding almost casual. With her? How could he. Didnt he know the insanity which lurked behind her pretty eyes. Her pretty, dark, hurt eyes. He was just another guy and that was it. That was it. Nothing more. Never again...

"No." she said, wanting to hang up. Wanting dearly to hang up. But... she didnt. Something inside of her wanted him to beg her to go with him. To plead with her and bargain with her to even be around him. He would have to work harder than this in order to win even one date with her. If thats what you could call it. Time with her was never really a date anymore. It was always just... awkward suppers or awkward movies. Awkward insanity. As she was. She brought the insanity, as they did the awkward. They never truly cared. They saw her hidden figure and wanted it and she... she sometimes was intrigued by them. But not now. Not ever again.