[shadow in the midst]: 279.My Storey.

"Just another day..." slid through her mind. The words killing her to think of. So many things rushed to her, but none of them were of any comfort. She was pained with this day, and forever she had it to remind her.

A tear slid past her eye, but to no ones apprehension but hers. He, she... they were all just there to taunt her until once again she could escape. Not completely, but as close as she ever could. As far as she ever dared...

"Hey," a voice lulled from a distance, bringing her back almost to focus, "Did you see what happened..." The voice faded again. Less out of a distraction and more because she really didnt care. Just another person and another stupid thing that they have done. Nothing to her.

A nod or two satisfied yet another as he turned around from seeing her lack of interest. They seemed to know that she didnt want to hear it, yet they always had more to say. More useless words in a useless day.

She zoomed in to the little ridges on the tip of her fingernails, seeing how imperfect they really were. She really was. She hated how nothing could ever be just right. There was always something that had to be wrong. Always.

"Shut up," she told herself, agitated at how she always seemed to say the wrong things at the wrong time. She hated her for it. It was like she was the only one who knew what really bugged her... and she took advantage of it.

Quickly finding a diversion she went on to the topic of school. "So when does this end?" her mind asked her, more accusingly than curious, "So you can get on with wasting your life alone." She ignored the last comment, with a slight tinge of pain, and a long stare at the clock above. She wasnt really looking for the time... just at it. Her eyes couldnt concentrate, couldnt focus on such a little, useless thing. Like so many others. "Just two more years," she told herself, "until I can escape... for good."

A beautiful song almost made its way into her head, thinking of such a moment, but in an instant it was lost. While only two more years may seem so little the time seemed to drag by slower with every mistake that she made. Every moment that she lived seemed to be a path that was wrong, and every breath she took made her want to stop the next. "Its just too much." she often thought, "Just too much..."

The ring jolted her off of the clock, the time seemed completley unimportant now. She rushed off to her next class in hope that it would make the time seem like less of a torture as she tried to block out thoughts. All of them. Not even stopping to recognize the seemingly cute boys... for they all were just time bombs in disguise. All just arrows waiting to pierce, wanting to see more blood and hear more screams. She couldnt even look at a guy anymore and swoon. Her hope for guys was long past and her only dream was that, perhaps, outside this repugnant town, that there were guys worth risking heartbreak for.

Her next class she smiled, she felt a need just to have happiness... even if the moments did not call for them. She just had the need to laugh, even though when she did she knew in her mind that it was a stupid reason, and she was a freak for even trying. She didnt want to care though. She knew, but she didnt want anyone else to know, how pathetic she was. The things they said seemed... insignificant compared to everything else.

Life seemed insignificant when there was so much death... so much darkness.

The teacher called on her, another answer she did not quite think about. If not for writing answers down she would never be called smart. The one thing she clung to. She always felt so proud when a teacher would say, "Good work," or, "Nice job," because thats the only time she ever heard it. The only time she actually did something right.

But then lunch came, and she saw her old friends having so much fun. She wished she could too. They went out, smoked, drank, had fun with guys. She never did. She always had a tinge of pain that she didnt fit in with them and that she never talked to them anymore. But that pain always, almost instantly, would change to hatred. It was always easier to deal with hate than with pain. Pain is personal, but hatred you can always blame on someone else.

At least she had a different group now. They were troubleless. She never quite fit in anymore, but she knew she could always just stand around there to help her feel less alone. Thats all she ever felt anymore. Never quite happy or close, just less alone.

So she sat there, eating as much as she could. She knew she wasnt quite eating enough but it was just so hard to. To be filled with disgust, anger and, sadly enough, pain, filled her up so full the very thought of food made her want to vomit. Food could never look so repungant, for the more food she ate, the more feelings she could feel... and the more she wished that her next party be a funeral.

Her friends laughed around her, so she smiled. She liked to talk to strangers for she knew that she never had to talk to them again. If she wanted she could tell them the world, and they would probably be nicer about it than any person she knows personally. She actually felt more and more distant as she heard them laugh and she couldnt felt their happiness. Their relief.

So she sat there, pinching at a slight slate of flesh, releasing the need to cry. The need to scream. The pain built up inside her had ever risen and as they slowly died down, so did she. It was easier to be happier when they werent. She ate another small bite of her sandwhich, feeling its thick, clumpy bread scratch hard against her mouth and all the way down her throat. "I can't eat another bite," she told herself, knowing it was finally true. "But dont you remember...?" she whispered, not really wanting her to. It was too painful to remember. And what was worse is it was happening... all... over... again...

They said her name and she looked up. Not really as in they were trying to get her attention, just as part of the sentence. She spat a questioning glance, more out of habit than out of really caring. Then, as fast as they had caught her attention they lost it. They weren't quite talking about her, just a time when she was there. Where she followed along. Not that she was disappointed, actually more relieved, to find that she did not have to speak or even worry about what it was they were saying. Not that she really would anyways... just more than usual.

She put her hand up to cradle her face, turning slightly away from the crowd. Not as a strong defiance but just a little so she could hope not to be recognized for her absence. For her lack of interest. She just wanted this day to go by with the least pain possible. She knew though, that that would never happen again.

She decided she had finished, and placed it to the top corner of her desk for the rest of the people to take their pick. Like dogs they would crowd around with intent for food, intimidating with their stature and persistence. But she never felt the need to give in. She just didnt want her parents to worry about her 'diet'. Not that she really cared, it was just easier to go to bed when there was no one pestering her about HER life. That they tried to control. Her mind thought, sometimes, when it had the will to think, "They think they re helping, but... are they really?"

The pain built up inside of her at such a question, which was why she so often refused them to the darkness she bound to herself. It was nice there, quiet and calm. She never had to worry about running into such questions. There was nothing to destroy her silence and therefore she never was able to feel such pain as she had before. "Never Again..."

She got up, with all of her effort to stand tall and firm. Pausing only a moment, she glanced halfway to their eyes and saw that there was no question to what she was doing and went on her way. Lunch was almost over, finally, and she went to ditch her lunch kit and pick up her books with hesitation in her steps. She didnt want to go back to face them any faster than she had to. She didnt want to sit there and not be able to smile like she used to, or talk to them like she used to. There was just too much standing in the way. Too much pain. Too much time. Too much...

"Hey," said someone, I did not completely know who, awkwardly but friendly all of the same. She could tell that I was upset, but I really didnt feel so. Just... distant. A little hurt but not as bad as I knew I could be. Just... darker. The girl tried to smile, encouraging me to do more, so I faked one. A little twitch in the corners of my mouth so that they almost pulled upwards. Each movement of my lips made me quiver though and my strength almost collapsed.

The feeling of a smile reminded me of times that seemed so ancient. Times where I smiled because I wanted to. Times where I was... happy. Things just couldnt be so great anymore though. Things were too different and after all that happened... I didnt know what more to think.

"Hi..." a faint whisper blew from my lips as I turned away, not really caring if she heard me or not. It didnt matter to me. The layers of school books looked more appealing, more accepting. The more people tried to talk to me the more I'd crack and break down. The less strong I would be and the less I could just keep on telling them, "I'm good." It was hard though, to keep on going when around me there were people that I would secretly keep messages about. People I would continually keep a record about, disgusting me about how pathetic and repulsive the human civilization really is. Nobody is actually good, only better than others. At certain things. Nothing more perfect, for no human could be labelled as such. Perfect. The thing he was to me...

But she shuddered at his face, at his name... at his thought. To be reminded of a time she was so weak as to actually want to be held by a man was apalling to her. She was apalling. There would never be a day where she could look at herself in a mirror and be at peace with it. Or even be able to blame it on him. It was her that stood there, it was her that held him back... it was her. Nothing could justify how much time she wasted on him no matter how much time she spent at a church or spent in self disgust. Or even in disgust of him. Nothing could make it right again...

Nothing.

The label she yearned for, sounding so easy and peaceful. She wouldnt kill herself though. She knew that that would just be giving in. Letting them win. She may, in the end, ask for someone else to kill her, but never do it herself. "Life is just too precious," they would say. She would smile and nod, but inside want to scream at them. "How could they ever believe such things?" shed say, "When even I cant stand to live..."

But she refused to do any more than plan her deaths. Others deaths. Any death would justify it. The life she lived, the pain she held, and the yearn for destruction of years long past. Nothing could have been more real to her than to stand in a doorway with a bloody knife. Guns werent personal enough. Pills didnt take so much effort. Choking always has a chance for backlash. A knife, though, seemed perfect and poetic and something that they would always remember...

But then she would snap out of it. Out of her pleasing fantasies, and into the real world. Or as close as she ever came in days such as those. Where she saw faces that tried to care. But they didnt. They were, deep down, only caring for themselves for as they looked into her dead eyes they felt a minute spring of pain that she did. But only minutely. They could never tell how bad she yearned to die. How bad she yearned even just to escape. For there were pressures and pains and nothing left that she really wanted to live for. Just nothing quite yet to push her off of that ridge that held so faintly the line of her sanity.