[grushaj]: 303.Poetry.Forever Gone

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grushaj

Created:

2006-02-06 21:12:10

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[grushaj]: 303.Poetry

Keywords:

Forever Gone

Style:

poetry

License:

Free for reading

Forever Gone
My Official Version of the Poem

She walked alone, her shadow trailing;
Princess of misery, daughter of disparity.
The warning signs were ever present ---
that distant look, her quiet lonely tears.
I don’t recall her ever saying one word about it;
-- She didn’t want to be a burden.

As days went by she grew more distant;
Yet I was too busy, surely in time she’d sort it out.
Delighted, happy under my peaceful umbrella
--She stretched against the black she hid the bruises.

My parents held me tight and kept me safe;
She locked herself up and hid in the shadows;
Below the raging fire built in her living room.
Tomorrow would be time to mask new bruises.

I remember that cold morning walk to school;
Something was wrong I could feel in deep inside.
I waited in the commons for my friend;
The bell rang but she was nowhere to be seen.
Something was wrong, where could she be?

I remember my mother coming up to my room,
Tears streamed down her gentle face.
My friend had seen there was no place else to go.
The news came crashing down ---
a thousand hornet stings aimed at the heart.

I had seen the warning signs;
I had the chance to help her.
It was too late, she was forever gone.

----------------------
Experimental Revision 1

Melodically flowing against the raging wind;
Shadow casting reflection behind her.
She was the Princess of misery,
Daughter of dispair.

In the air the lingering promise of black,
Forlorn gaze, lonely tears.
Fire kept deep inside, pain shared alone.
Her burden to keep.

My parents held me tight and kept me safe;
She shivered in the corner, masking the bruises.
Below fire raged in her own living room.

I recall the cold morning after,
Something was wrong. I could feel it.
The bell rang, yet no sign of my old friend.

I remember my mother coming up to my room,
Tears streamed down her gentle face.

My friend had seen two options:
Continue living in fear, or die free.
The choice had been clear.
She was now, and forever, gone.

2006-02-02 Kaimee: Sad... This version is very good (what's with the ---'s, I don't know if you really need them :P) but I'd love to see a tighter version. I don't know, I've always loved poetry that uses as few words as possible - the right words, to get the feeling across. All the "I did this and then that happened" type words feel to me as if they belong more in prose, maybe try making a couple versions, tightning it up?

An example.. a depressing example but good for what I mean is 5.Contest Entries.100 Words - Every Bit, with the longer version down the bottom and the more poetry-esque version at the top.

Don't listen to me, if you like it this way though ;)

2006-02-02 grushaj: Nah, writing always needs evolution (the --- dash thingy is just a poet thingy some use.. not really neccessary I know.. habit :P). I agree with tightening up.. some of it needs to remain.. I personally think the first half is pretty solid (still some work needed.. but it will probably pretty much remain the same) but the second half I knew needed work.. its still a work in progress really. Thanks for the great comments though. Always appreciated!

2006-02-04 ~*Lonely Wanderer*~: Very nice. I enjoyed my time reading through this. Good work please keep it up.

2006-02-04 grushaj: Thanks, I appreciate it. :)

2006-02-05 ~*Lonely Wanderer*~: Welcome thanks to you too! ^__^

2006-02-13 DorianP: I think I prefer the experimental version. Good job :)