[Dead/Alive]: 308.shadow dreams

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2006-02-13 19:21:03

From the deepest recesses of the shadows embrace,
A single lone hand, one with no apparent origin.
Beckons you to join with it in the shadows,
Do you dare?
Stepping closer, the shadows enshroud you body.
It is then you see the hands master,
With a gasp, you take the hand
Slowly, you’re are pulled deeper,
Closer into it’s embrace.
With a tinge of fear you wonder,
What will happen?
Where will I be taken?
Then, as if they were never there, the fears were gone.
You no longer care, so long as you are enshrouded,
In the arms of this strange darkness.

2006-04-08 Annie: i really like this one...it's very applicable to the teenagers of today i think; a temptation, a slight fear, but finally a complete embrace. very good.
here's my tough side. :P
i think your two biggest problems in this poem (?) are punctuation and verb tense. the end of line two should have a comma, the end of line three should have a period. on line five, the shadows enshroud -your- body. Also, if you wanted to have correct grammar...you'd change "Stepping closer" to "As you step closer". A period at the end of line 6. On line 7, you don't need "you're" and "are" just "you're" is fine or just "you are" but not both...because with both you're saying "you are are". :) probly just a simple slip of the fingers.
On lines 8 and 9...perhaps "slowing, you're pulled closer / deeper into it's embrace." switch those two words...because you can't be pulled closer into something...i mean, it's possible but not something a person can envision very well. usually you're just pulled closer "to" something, not "into", but i can see why you said "into" because that's the point of this poem...so that's why i suggested switching the two words "deeper" and "closer".
Third line from the end, your verb tense just needs fixing...the fears "are" gone, not "were" gone.
Last of all, you don't need a comma at the end of the second to last line.
That's all...quite a bit actually...i do it all with good intentions and only because you told me you wanted it. :)


2006-04-08 Dead/Alive: I know...and it is much appreciated...thank you....

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