[Dead/Alive]: 308.Behind the Mask

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2006-02-08 19:25:44

Sitting in a far corner,
Alone and away from his peers,
He sits and screams inside.
Wanting, but not wanting attention,
Behind his mask he hides,
For there, no one can touch him.
The cruelty of the world cannot touch him.
Hood raised,
Eyes down,
Inner thoughts boiling over.
Anger consumes him,
He walks the halls,
Waiting until that fateful moment,
Shall arrive.
The moment arrives,
The school bully shoves him.
He snaps.
In a last desperate attempt to be heard,
His final message is sent out.
With the loud rapport of the gun in hand,
He tells the world how he feels.
People scream,
They run in panic.
Without thought,
He wildly fires off rounds.
Until with one bullet left,
He looks around.
He screams loud enough for all to hear,
“I’m sorry it came to this.”
Placing the barrel to his temple,
He squeezes off the last shot.
As his body crumples to the floor,
The realization hits them all like a ten-pound brick.
Their class-mates lay dead,
The killer, pushed over the edge by each and every one of them.
They finally see their faults,
But at the highest price of all,
He was the boy behind the mask,
By removing the mask.
They all saw themselves in his eyes.
Cold, and dead.

2006-02-09 Askoga: Scary. Full of emotion. I'm not fond of the subject matter, but it conveyed your point exquisitely. It's from a different view than I ever expected to see written. Really, an excellently-written poem.

2006-02-09 shadow in the midst: woa that is like totally raw. i really like how you took a single sided (in most peoples eyes- including the media-) issue and took the other side.

2006-02-10 Dead/Alive: *grins*.....Thanks......Just to make it clear....that person is most definitely, NOT me.....but thankye much on the feed back....it's loads of help.......My art teacher saw that and wants me to make a ceramic box with a gloss black finish with that transferred in red onto the lid......*nods*....'twill be fun methinks....I'll post a picture of the finished product when I get it done....

2006-02-10 Askoga: -chuckles- Yeah, I should hope it's not you. The ceramic box sounds great, I can't wait to see it.

2006-02-13 Dead/Alive: *grins and does some strange dance in a circle*....nope...not me...I'm too much of a nice person to do that......and I've started construction on the box already....

2006-02-16 Askoga: Whoo!

2006-02-16 Dead/Alive: *nods*...

2006-03-09 Seth_Rahl: Indeed.

2006-03-10 Askoga: How's the box coming?

2006-03-10 Dead/Alive: Haha....the box....I have to start over on it....I messed up and left it out too long....and it dried too quick.....so now I have to put it on hold....my art teacher put me on a couple of other projects recently.....so I have to wait and do the box for a bit....

2006-03-11 Askoga: Awww, that's too bad. I hope all goes well with your new projects, though!

2006-03-12 Dead/Alive: Me too...I will eventually get to do this box though.....I hope

2006-04-08 Annie: excellent poem. i agree with askoga that it's full of emotion...and also raw like shadow in the midst says. i promised you some tough critique though, so here goes...
from what i've read so far, poetry that doesn't really rhyme or have meter is your favored style...(could be wrong, i haven't read a lot yet) so i won't comment on that. i lean more toward rhyming and flowing.
i would say though that there are a few parts where you get a bit repetitive...lines 6 and 7....lines 13 and 14...perhaps you were doing that on purpose? to kind of give the reader a taste of the repetition of taunting he received at school? or maybe you were trying to make a heavy impression...well, either way, it's a little awkward in those places. repetition is a hard thing to place...if you don't use it just right, it's cheesy, but when used well, it can put the reader in awe.
also, from lines 16 to 20 (respectively...) it's a little choppy. i realize this is a climactic moment, everyone is scared and he's freaking out...you may have been looking for choppy though. just letting you know it felt choppy. :)
my last suggestion is that you get rid of the simile "like a ten-pound brick". it totally took me out of the moment as i was reading...i was completely distracted by it, lol. it just doesn't seem to fit...even with your free verse style.
that's it. :) hope i wasn't too harsh.


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