2006-02-09 Askoga: Scary. Full of emotion. I'm not fond of the subject matter, but it conveyed your point exquisitely. It's from a different view than I ever expected to see written. Really, an excellently-wr 2006-02-09 shadow in the midst: woa that is like totally raw. i really like how you took a single sided (in most peoples eyes- including the media-) issue and took the other side. 2006-02-10 Dead/Alive: *grins*.....Th 2006-02-10 Askoga: -chuckles- Yeah, I should hope it's not you. The ceramic box sounds great, I can't wait to see it. 2006-02-13 Dead/Alive: *grins and does some strange dance in a circle*....nop 2006-02-16 Askoga: Whoo! 2006-02-16 Dead/Alive: *nods*... 2006-03-09 Seth_Rahl: Indeed. 2006-03-10 Askoga: How's the box coming? 2006-03-10 Dead/Alive: Haha....the box....I have to start over on it....I messed up and left it out too long....and it dried too quick.....so now I have to put it on hold....my art teacher put me on a couple of other projects recently.....s 2006-03-11 Askoga: Awww, that's too bad. I hope all goes well with your new projects, though! 2006-03-12 Dead/Alive: Me too...I will eventually get to do this box though.....I hope 2006-04-08 Annie: excellent poem. i agree with askoga that it's full of emotion...and also raw like shadow in the midst says. i promised you some tough critique though, so here goes...[Dead/Alive]: 308.Behind the Mask
Rating: 0.00
Sitting in a far corner,
Alone and away from his peers,
He sits and screams inside.
Wanting, but not wanting attention,
Behind his mask he hides,
For there, no one can touch him.
The cruelty of the world cannot touch him.
Hood raised,
Eyes down,
Inner thoughts boiling over.
Anger consumes him,
He walks the halls,
Waiting.
Waiting until that fateful moment,
Shall arrive.
The moment arrives,
The school bully shoves him.
He snaps.
In a last desperate attempt to be heard,
His final message is sent out.
With the loud rapport of the gun in hand,
He tells the world how he feels.
People scream,
They run in panic.
Without thought,
He wildly fires off rounds.
Until with one bullet left,
He looks around.
He screams loud enough for all to hear,
“YOU PUSHED ME TO THIS!!”
“YOUR TAUNTS AND JIBES ARE NO MORE!!”
“I’m sorry it came to this.”
Placing the barrel to his temple,
He squeezes off the last shot.
As his body crumples to the floor,
The realization hits them all like a ten-pound brick.
Their class-mates lay dead,
The killer, pushed over the edge by each and every one of them.
They finally see their faults,
But at the highest price of all,
Life.
He was the boy behind the mask,
By removing the mask.
They all saw themselves in his eyes.
Cold, and dead.
from what i've read so far, poetry that doesn't really rhyme or have meter is your favored style...(could be wrong, i haven't read a lot yet) so i won't comment on that. i lean more toward rhyming and flowing.
i would say though that there are a few parts where you get a bit repetitive...l
also, from lines 16 to 20 (respectively..
my last suggestion is that you get rid of the simile "like a ten-pound brick". it totally took me out of the moment as i was reading...i was completely distracted by it, lol. it just doesn't seem to fit...even with your free verse style.
that's it. :) hope i wasn't too harsh.
-Annie