[Veltzeh]: 39.The Heritage of Humankind.Tales from Kyerrion.35

The next night, Krezagon slept with Tarkavinel again. However, not much sleeping was done. The two were lying in Krezagon's tent, with Krezagon trying to sleep and Tarkavinel staring off at the ceiling of the tent.

"Krezagon, would you like to listen?"

Krezagon was not yet sleeping and was a little surprised. "Sure. But to what?"

"To me. This'll be very long."

"That's fine."

After a pause, Tarkavinel started: "I have trouble telling reality from what is not real. It's strange. You were right, you could prove to me that you were real by surprising me. Or at least more real than most other things I've experienced."

"But... Far-walkers can't touch your mind. They have no way to make you believe anything that is not real."

"Is that so? When I was a child, my older niwacoddin played with my mind. Ey was a far-walker. Eir favorite pastime was to make me believe weird things and make me doubt what was real. I didn't even know it back then. I tried to stop em and I think I probably succeeded sometimes. Ey sometimes started acting very weirdly when ey tried to make me do something. My parents thought I was weird, probably crazy. They never noticed that my niwacoddin was doing it to me, even though I told them that. Maybe I didn't really tell it to them. My niwacoddin wasn't taken away to be with other far-walkers. Maybe it was because of what we were. Don't you recognize my name?"

"Uh... no."

"I'm part of the royal family of Tarakiila. Probably the only one, actually. I'm the direct descendant of the monarch who died last spring."

"...What?" Krezagon was astonished. Now ey made the connection and remembered that the monarch's family name had been Airahankio. Ey had not heard that the monarch would have had a gecodda, though.

"I remember that I only cared about what happened to me when I was very little. After that, I stopped caring. Nothing really changed. All kinds of things happened and they didn't matter to me. I feel like I've lived for a longer time than I really have. I suppose my niwacoddin played that long and intricate games with me. Ey was the first who raped me, too. Or at least I think so. I'm not sure. When I was twelve, I decided to run away. I ran, went toward the Watery Mountains and cut off my ear so people wouldn't recognize me. I didn't get far when some hunters found me and raped me again. Later some caravan found me and took me to another city. I'm not sure what happened there. I had gotten pregnant, and when it was time to give birth, I couldn't do it for some reason. So they cut the child out."

"...That's where that huge scar on your stomach is from? And you were just... thirteen?"

"Yes. I don't know what happened to the child. It felt quite real and that scar has always been there after that, so I think it was real. I never got pregnant after that, even though a lot of people have raped me since that. After I was well again, I left the place where I had been. I didn't know what place it was. I went to the draft office and said I wanted to join the army. I don't know why. I lied about my age and name and everything, actually, and they let me join. They never taught me to fight, though. They tried to teach me to be an infiltrator and impostor, but I couldn't do that either, because I couldn't tell what was real and I didn't want to play social games. Then they taught me to hide, and said that my job was to get in, hide, listen and get out. I learned to do that, and it seems I'm very good at it. I don't remember much of what happened then. There was a big battle at some point and a lot of people died. I think most of the people I had been with died, and the others disappeared. The new people asked me a lot of questions, but since I didn't answer, they let me be. They locked me up in some place for a year, maybe. Then they asked more questions. Half a year later, they asked if I could join them, so I said 'sure' and they let me. We traveled around a lot then. Around the time when the monarch of Tarakiila died, we met four galanfetzcans who wanted to kill the jinhaliares in femehan lands and some femehans too. They led us around and did their business. They seemed rather real to me. Maybe it was because they were surprising and that was because they were of a different race. I think I liked them. But eventually they left too. In the summer, I was imprisoned. The prison was full of scum and I escaped. Some jinhaliares caught me. I think I tried to kill myself, but that feels strange. I wouldn't do that. They took me to that village where you found me. Their far-walkers did horrible things to me. They could get into my mind and make me see and feel things. It felt fake, though. But so do a lot of other things. Can you tell me what is the difference between a fake and real feeling?"

Krezagon was quite speechless. "I... a real feeling... a real physical wound leaves a scar."

"Right... My ear is torn, I have a big scar on my belly, my leg is broken and the right half of my head is burned. Is that real or am I imagining things? Will you fix them for me?"

"I can't. When I met Taikehel, I kept thinking if I could know what was real and what wasn't, since ey could make me feel all kinds of things. Then I thought that it didn't matter, because I felt good anyway. Taikehel liked me. So what if it was a lie? I'm pretty sure Taikehel hasn't made me feel anything fake, though. But I can't know."

"Anything I've felt has been bad, I think."

"But how is it possible? Taikehel says ey can't touch your mind. Ey can't feel a thing from you. How could other far-walkers do it to you when ey can't?

"The galanfetzcans said the same."

"If it was my call, I'd say they were right. Maybe you can let some people into your mind after all?"

"I have not wanted to."

"Maybe you haven't had a choice? Far-walker abilities may not work on you directly, but regular ways can. They can torture you and make you think that believing in a make-believe world is better than staying in the real world."

"...The galanfetzcans said that it was impossible to use far-walker abilities on me. They tried to speak to me in my mind for weeks but couldn't do it."

"And they treated you well, right?"

"I suppose. ...But... what if some doctors can fix my leg? Will it then be like it had never been broken?"

"No. In the best case, you may be able to use it like before, but you'll always feel that it's been broken. Feel my forearm here." Krezagon offered eir right hand to Tarkavinel. "My ulna's been broken before. Maybe your leg will be like that if it can be somehow fixed..." Tarkavinel felt Krezagon's arm for a moment and it seemed to calm em.

"You feel so real even though I'm comfortable. I hope this can continue. I haven't really hoped for anything in a long time."

"I'll try to fulfill that hope."

"Why?"

"...Well, why not? I've been through many kinds of torture, too, and I know how to appreciate the time without torture."

"What's been done to you?"

Krezagon spent two hours explaining some of eir worst moments to Tarkavinel who stayed expressionless, even though Krezagon had almost been about to cry a few times.

When Krezagon was done, Tarkavinel was not looking at em. "You've been through... more than I have."

"I'm older."

"I'm twenty-seven."

"I'm thirty-two."

"Did you ever wonder if it was unreal?"

"Not really... Before Taikehel, I had not even talked to a far-walker."

"Can you know whether right here and now is real or not?"

"I don't think I have any reason to think that this wasn't real. But I suppose I can't know. You should be able to."

"I decide that this is real. It will have to do. Did you ever wish your mind was impenetrable, like mine?"

"Oh, yes. The first time I ever learned about far-walkers."

"Once, when I was rather young and some not very competent far-walker was probing my mind, I decided that it would be nice if ey stopped doing it. So I think I lured em into a trap. I felt something inside my mind and turned it away. I turned it into itself. The far-walker went crazy then. Years later I was in a tent with another gecod. Our army unit had saved em from something. Eir nigecoddin was a far-walker. I thought it was unfair that ey wasn't a far-walker while eir nigecoddin was, so I thought it would be fair if I could make eir mind as impenetrable as mine was. I looked at em sleeping and tried to do some far-walker thing so I could touch eir mind. I couldn't, so I gave up, but I decided to press my head against eirs and try again. Then it worked. I could feel something else than myself and I could isolate it. I did something... I'm not sure what, but it was like hiding. I hid the bit of mind I had found so well that even I couldn't find it anymore after I was done."

"...What? Are... are YOU a far-walker?"

"When we woke up in the morning, ey wondered why it was so quiet. Ey got up and went to find eir nigecoddin. I followed em. Ey found em and that nigecod wouldn't acknowledge that ey existed. They were standing close to a cliff and after the gecod had annoyed eir nigecoddin enough, the nigecod started pushing em toward the cliff edge. Ey pushed em off the cliff then and started shouting and looking for eir gecoddin. A few others had seen em push the gecod off the cliff, so soon ey was really confused. The others thought ey had murdered eir gecoddin so they pushed em off the cliff too."

"Are you a far-walker? Wait, what?"

"I can't do anything that other far-walkers can do. But I can hide your mind like mine is hid, if it is real."

Krezagon looked quite confused for a moment before eir brain processed the information. "Are you just playing with me?"

"No. I don't know how. I'm not a far-walker. I can't read your mind or affect it. I can maybe hide it..."

They stared at each other for a moment. Krezagon tried to decide if ey could trust the gecod to modify eir mind, or whatever it was that ey would do. "Do it, then. Far-walkers are the only thing I've really been afraid of..." Tarkavinel lay still for a while, but then moved eir hands and held Krezagon's face. "Do I need to do something?"

"No..." Tarkavinel pressed eir forehead against Krezagon's. They lay there for a few long moments, but Krezagon felt nothing. Ey had always felt Taikehel's presence, especially after they had first had sex—in fact, after that, the only times when Krezagon could not feel Taikehel's presence was when the far-walker was sleeping and ey was not. However, even though Tarkavinel was apparently doing some far-walker thing to em, Krezagon could not feel anything. Ey then thought that maybe Tarkavinel had not started yet and would need to wait until ey fell asleep. After a while, the gecod said: "I'm done."

"Done? But... I didn't feel anything."

"I don't know what you should feel."

"...Neither do I."

"Taikehel'll hate you."

"Ey'll have to live with it." Krezagon grinned a bit and wondered if whatever Tarkavinel had just done would really work. "Thanks for telling me all that you did."

"Please don't tell it to others."

"I won't." They held each other's hands then and fell asleep.



In the morning, the others had gotten up first. They said good morning and Taikehel stared around for a while. Krezagon could not feel Taikehel anymore. After a moment, the far-walker fixed eir eyes on Krezagon and seemed to become terrified.

"Gods! Tragsiel, help me! Can you... Please, PLEASE tell me Krezagon isn't sitting there! Please!" ey said to Riyhneon, Leitsel and Soripel. The three were confused and looked at Krezagon and then back at Taikehel, saying nothing. Taikehel bolted up and ran away crying uncontrollably.

"What the heck was that?" said Soripel.

Krezagon started running after Taikehel, but Tarkavinel said: "It's no use if you go after em." Krezagon stopped and stood there for a while, somewhat frustrated. Ey then returned to the others and sat down.

"What was that?" asked Leitsel.

"Taikehel told you how ey can't sense Tarkavinel's mind, right? Tarkavinel did the same to me last night, and I guess it worked."

"What, how? And why would you do that? Taikehel's so fragile ey might kill emself!" went Soripel.

"I'm a bit surprised to see that you care about em... but didn't you ever wish that far-walkers could never mess with your mind? That's the only thing I've ever been afraid of! Everything else, I could accomplish!"

Soripel almost laughed again before remembering how competent Krezagon was. "Hrmh. Well, I guess... Still, didn't you really like Taikehel? Ey'll probably never talk to you again."

Krezagon stared at Soripel for a while before turning eir eyes away and looking depressed. "Maybe so... But I made this choice." They sat quietly for a while. "Would... could one of you go find Taikehel and explain this to em? And tell em that I'm sorry... and that... well, that I'm really sorry. Please?"

After a short moment Riyhneon said: "I'll go." Riyhneon took a mugful of hot tea with em and went after Taikehel into the forest.

Even though Taikehel had ran relatively far, Riyhneon did not have trouble finding em. The far-walker was lying on the ground, curled up in a fetal position and crying. Riyhneon comforted em for a while, gave em eir tea and got em to stop crying fairly quickly. They sat on the ground, hugging each other.

"Do you want to hear what happened?" asked Riyhneon. Taikehel nodded. "Apparently Krezagon asked Tarkavinel to make eir mind like that —"

"What?! Ey did it... WILLINGLY!?"

"That's the impression I got... Krezagon said that the only thing ey had ever been afraid of was being controlled by far-walkers. I agree with em. I would like my mind to be like that as well... but I think the downsides would be worse, so I'm not going to do that."

"Tragsiel! Why... why would anyone want to be DEAD like that!?"

"They aren't dead. I guess they're just not letting you know that they exist. Maybe they can't, but I don't know. Krezagon did not act one bit like Tarkavinel after we'd found em. Ey's the same as before. Tarkavinel's gotten better too, you know. I'm sure ey behaves weirdly just because ey's been through some bad trauma. I don't mind that ey doesn't speak much, or stares off into nothing. I did that a lot..."

"How can I even travel with em now?" sobbed Taikehel.

"You should trust your other senses more."

"Why? I know they can be faked! Far-walkers can fool other far-walkers too!"

"You can fight against it."

"Yeah, and if I don't sense a mind in a body, the image of that body is false!"

Riyhneon did not have anything to say back, so ey just looked sad. "I'm sorry... Krezagon is, too. I don't know how to make you feel any better."

"As if MY life hasn't already been miserable enough..."

"I think Krezagon's has. I'm glad ey finally got something ey really wanted."

"When will I?"

"Probably never. Life is annoyingly unfair like that."

"That is so... gzoozzing... unfair."

"Well, happiness is directly proportional to how much you can gzoozz yourself. When you believe you're happy when horrible things happen, you may be crazy, but you'll be happy too."

"I'll never be crazy!"

Riyhneon smiled a little and pressed eir face against Taikehel's. "I'm sure there's a suitable balance of happiness and craziness somewhere." They sat there for a while and Riyhneon's calming rationality sunk into Taikehel's mind. Taikehel always wanted to be rational, but ey was usually too driven by eir desires. "If it helps you, you can keep your mind occupied by probing my mind, or something. I mean, as long as you don't really... dig, you know. Maybe the others could do that for you too... Soripel probably, I think ey's grown sort of fond of you."

"Thank you... that'd be great."

"You're welcome. You don't need to talk to Krezagon if you don't want to."

They got up and went back to the others. Taikehel did not speak to Krezagon, but ey spoke to Riyhneon and Soripel that much more. Leitsel was quite taken that Tarkavinel had started speaking more, and did eir best to encourage em without being too pushy about it.