[Kaimee]: 5.Random Essays.Misses Snoot

Not an essay, just... well, read it XD

Misses Snoot, aka the Botox Bitches

Ok
So, the wedding ceremony was boring as hell.
It lasted a long time.
Eventually, we got to go inside for the wedding dinner.
Thatttt.. was incredibly amusing:
It started out really really terribly, I was seated at a table with all my brothers, two girls from the gold coast (called Tarlia and Sieglinda, who we were to call 'Cigarette') and a 19 year old at the ANU (doing arts law) called Ebony.
Ebony started out the night by looking incredibly pissed off and saying repeatedly "I dont know why I was seated here, with all the kids, it’s SO insulting" (ignoring that two of my brothers are older than her) and Tarlia (most sweet valley-ised girl I have EVER seen in my entire life) started establishing everyones ages.
We all got a giant shock when her sister, Ciggy, was revealed as being 12 years old in her down-to-her-stomach versace cleavage top. Phew. Tarlia was also only 15 years old, wow o.o
Soo the conversation then moved on to Tarlia’s versace watch, and her Dolce and Gabbana shoes, and her brand new top of the line phone, and how they just *had* to fire their babysitter, I mean, she didnt let them do what they wanted! The nerve! Then onto how they’d just arrived here in Canberra and just *had* to go shoping, so quaint, they didnt have such vintage stores where they lived, *they* usually had to buy designer made. Oh, and let’s not forget their grandmother, The Bitch, who *actually* expected them to make their own beds, when *anyone* could see that it was the MAID’S job. I mean, like, duh.
During all of this I gradually started responding less and less, and my eyes glazed over. Some old guy came over and said “I see you’ve got a Versace watch young Lady” and started a long boring convo with Ebony and Tarlia, God. It eventually ended with Tarlia's "so we always go to that resort I mean, who doesn’t!? You’re going arent you Ebony?" with Ebony responding "Of course! Who doesnt!?" and some ditzy hair tosses.
Note that during all of this Ebony and I kept catching each other’s eyes and would have to quickly take a gulp of whatever we were drinking so we wouldnt laugh. the boys hadn't picked up on this, and were just throwing themselves at miss and littler-miss twinky.
Pat and Ted were both dressed in black, with incredibly cool black shirts. Which I approve of, as I had dressed them, and they were doing their twin act: sighing at the same time and drinking in unison. etc.
Note that they arent twins. Pat and me can do it too. We used to do it to trick people. It’s amusing when you’re totally bored. OH! Note that wine glasses had been taken away from everyone underage (goddamnit) and Tarlia had said she was 19, and had been bitching at the beginning about being too old for kids table. When slightly drunker she bursts out with "pfft you know I’m not 19 dont you guys?!" Turns out she’s only 17, just turned, she skipped ahead at girls grammar and is doing a fucking arts law degree at the age of barely-turned-17. Jesus. So she’s already been through all the first year stuff and torts etc O.O;;;;
Anyhoo, soooooooo eventuaaaally Ebony and me were getting fucking pissed. We’d gone through 2 bottles, but couldn't actually talk to each other because the tables were big, we were on opposite sides, and no one wanted to switch. I had to go to the bathroom at least every 10 minutes, just to get away from the botox children and delayed return for as long as seemingly possible. On the way back one time a group of servers were standing in the corridor and as I went past one split off and walked in with me and whispered 'We’re calling them Brandy and Emerald, wanna bet they have a poodle?" and I burst out laughing just as we came in the door and had to hurry and drink some more.
After what seemed like fooorrrevvvverrrrrr the designer bratacular girls left for a bit and Ebony bursts out with "OOOOOHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDDDDD. Ooh and my versace this, and my vera wang that!" and everyone was like “Goodness, we thought you were one of them!" and shes like "and Kate! Omg! Switch spots with one! I haven’t said a word to you the entire night and I already think youre 100 times more normal!" and I’m like "and Jesus CHRIST how are you not LAUGHING at them??!!!!" and at that point they came back when we were drunkenly falling out of our chairs laughing at them and I staggered up and went "Ebony! Come to the bathroom!" and ran out to laugh in the corridor. We were about to go back in and we hear them saying "as if they arent lesbians" and so.. ok I cant remember WHAT I said, but they were facing away from the door so we came up and stood behind them and said something about incest with sisters being a *bad* thing? and just kept on walking around to my seat. I don’t think Tarlia heard me, but little miss whore-top certainly did :)
Soooo we got drunker and drunker, and ebonys hair tosses and references to HER maid got more and more funny, and Tarlia looked like she was starting to realise she was being mocked. Then we started going to the bathroom every half hour to laugh about them, and all the old ladies in the bathrooms were like 'who’s this?" so we showed them the little miss malibus, and they all stopped by our table to compliment Tarlia on her BEAUTIFUL versace watch.

*dies laughing*

Only... once when we were talking in the bathroom, we came back out and they looked daggers at us, and turns out their mother had been in one of the stalls >.>;;;;;
whoops. Oh well, maybe she'll learn that the noveau riche style is just a bit overboard, and manners in anyone are desired :)
Not that were were displaying manners. At that point Ebony was hitting on Jack, and I was dancing drunkenly with people, then trying to dissuade Ebony from drunkenly putting cream in their expertly bleached blond hair.
Then.. this is very late at night by now by the way, Ebony had to leave, and we made plans to remain friends for ever :P and exchanged details, and she hit on Jack some more, and made one last effort at cream in hair, and then she left.
Then Tarlia was trying to tell my little brothers that ebony must be annorexic, *they* always ate *all* their cake, they didnt need to diet. I didnt mention their pot bellies, just dug into my cake :P
Then they started in on how ebony had twirled cream around her plate to make it look like she’d eaten, where upon every single other person in hearing distance who’d figured out what was going on practically spit their drinks everywhere.
This includes adults at surrounding tables. The servers came by and started taking away empty wine bottles, and made cracks about how the kids table drunk the most, and little miss whore goes "You didnt drink that much!" all sneery at me like it’s a bad thing to be sober, so I pulled out another empty wine bottle from under my chair and smiled dopily at the server, and smiled bitchily at little miss. Who then tried to tell me how much SHE drinks, because she goes to parties all the time. So of course I said something incredibly cutting that I cant remember at all properly. Something about how “oh but arent you too little? Little kids are so cute when they pretend to be grown up!” and she glared at me and made another lesbian crack, I suspect she had been drinking actually, so I made another one about “oh no, you probably wouldnt be cut out to be a lesbian, dont worry, I’m sure *some* boy will like you” and ok, I know being mean to 12 year olds is not something to be proud of, but she was a BITCH.
Tarlia stopped showing off *quite* so much when she realised it wasnt working, Miss Cigarette didnt get the hint. and eventuuuuuaaaallllly we got to leave, and some old lady snagged me on the goodbyes and said 'Nice to have some young spirit about' and cast disparaging glances at the Misses Snoot.

Oh and there was some stuff outside, and sneaking into the beergarden party in there, but shh.

and now... I want a hamburger. to cure un good feeling.