[felcin]: 577.A Vampires Thoughts

My Old friend, you have lost my trust and loyalty, and gained contempt.


As I sit here, looking out over the lake, which spreads itself in front of me like a great meadow made of water, the wind brushing the water in odd patterns, whilst playing like a little child with my hair. I think of you, only you have occupied my thoughts so fully today.
I don’t know how we came to be like this. How I came to believe you so worthless when only weeks ago we were having such a good time in each other’s company. It is something that I cannot fathom.
Times have changed; you have become arrogant and tiresome, resented by your old friends in the coven. Yet, however much you have changed in the past, I have always still loved you, I have always been able to accept you without a problem. Maybe you have changed too much, you’re too outside the thoughts that are entrapped in my mind. You have your new coven yet you continue to call by us, your old coven, every so often and rub it in our faces, and you always come alone. That is something that escapes all of us.
I’m sitting here, in front of the lake, on a bright but temperamental night, bright but deceptively windy and cold. I shiver slightly but I left my coat at home. No matter, I doubt I will feel it soon. The truth is I don’t know why I am telling you this. I know what you will think to this and that you will call it pointless my telling you, but it wasn’t. ‘Too human, why do you waste your time on something that you no longer are?’ I imagine you saying to me, looking at me in a disapproving way.
I’ve become dependant on you, and there is nothing that I can do, despite my contempt for you.
Over the years that I have known you, I have learnt that I shouldn’t be so trusting and that nearly everyone has a double motive, including you, but I still can’t seem to stop believing everything that you say… It’s one of my major downfalls I think.
From you have I have learnt to be manipulative, it comes with experience, I can be cruel and cause pain, something that I didn’t need to learn from you, you pushed me into it too many times. I use my intelligence to overcome you, yet you still seem to find a way back.
I need change.
A change from you.
I just don’t know how it will happen.



Love is the first sign of mortality, despair the second.

These two things a vampire should not be concerned with. So why I am?
Two things that should not even affect a Vampire yet I am so affected.
I love the humans that I mercilessly kill to make myself live, to make myself rise from my coffin every night and kill another one, if not two or three of the creatures that I love and study. How does that make sense?
You taught me to kill. You brought me back into this world in this form. I love you, I can’t help that, You are my master, and that is something I can’t change.
Despair, such a beautiful word, explains so much beyond all imaginings with its connotations. The beauty of the word dances before me, before the wind carries it away. I despair in this life that I lead. I can’t help but feel trapped when I wake and I see the moon appearing and I know I have to go and feed or I shall become like the caught outcasts – trapped in walls and screaming for a release. Except I won’t be trapped in walls, I will be trapped in my soul, which hates me for every moment that I am draining blood out of my victim. As the hot flow passes over my lips, as the blood warms me and the mortal goes limp in my arms. There is no feeling like that but I still hate you for making me like this. I never asked for this, you took me against my will, and forced me to drink your blood, I will never forget that night and the look in your face.

I need to know what you say to me is truth-based. I know you tell lies to the other members of the old coven, probably to your new one as well, but that is not something that I care about. You did not give life back to them, as you did to me. Do you tell me lies?
I shall leave you soon, leave the coven and move far away, so that you can’t find me. I shall live on my own, savouring the silence. Living like a wandering shell wondering how all this came to pass; when in reality I know really, I just refuse to accept it.
‘A life is a life, try to make something out of it’ I can remember my mother saying to me when I was a mortal boy. I smiled and said nothing, I hardly ever used to say anything, and now I can’t seem to stop ranting, is that what immortality does to you? Would she say that I managed to make something out of my life if she saw me feeding on a helpless passer by? Would she wish to join me? To share in my immortality? I very much doubt it.