[felcin]: 577.The Girlfriend

Rating: 0.30  
Uploaded by:
Created:
2006-09-03 14:41:06
Keywords:
The Girlfriend
Genre:
Childrens
Style:
short story
She fell down on the grass and dew of the morning wetted her back as she fell asleep against his shoulder in the early morning light.
They lay there together entwined till dusk, basking in each other’s warmth and feel. Enjoying the closeness that has been denied them for so long.
They go their separate ways when the sun disappears. She spent the night lying in her bed crying softly till the night claimed her and drew her into the sleep. Whilst the boyfriend threw a stone into her pond of tranquility ruining their moment together through his alcohol and debauchery.

The next couple of days for her went slowly, as she walked round her hometown being completely unobserved. She let the coldness swallow her up and the night cover her. She never stopped walking. She took up smoking and let her cigarette butts fall to the ground to be trodden over many times like she was.
On this particular wet night, the sky hung heavy waiting for another chance to open the floodgates and send people running to cover. She aimlessly walked up to the front of the hotel and walked inside; ignoring the looks of distaste she got from the tourists. She booked a room for the night, knowing that she could not face going back to her room…too many memories of him were there….

She locked her door and slumped onto the bed. And hour later she got up and walked to the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whisky and downed it one, she fell onto the bed again.
The light came through the curtains and fell onto her tear stained face. There was a hammering at the door. She lifted herself enough off the bed to realise that she had left the whisky bottle out. She hid it back in the cupboard with a lumbering action before she swayed uncertainly to the door and let in the person making the loud noise.
He stumbled through the doorway not expecting it to be opened so quickly. He stood clean and shaved staring at the filthy thing standing before him that had once been his girlfriend. He stumbled out of the room in horror at what had happened to his once beautiful girlfriend and she stumbled back to the bed and swallowed some pills for her thumping head.
2 hours later she was still on her bed and still swallowing pills. She lurched into the bathroom and started the shower. It burned hot against her skin and she stood under the powerful jet of water and swayed uncertainly.
3 hours later the boyfriend returns. He has got a key from the reception desk and enters her room. Her searches the room for her and found her in the shower cubicle, hunched up against one wall. She had collapsed from the pills and had slowly drowned in the shower cubicle. He pulled her out and hastened to cover her perfectly shaped naked body. He sat on the bed opposite the corpse staring at the amazing woman he had once known.
The ambulance came some hours later and the paramedics found the teenage boy slumped over a female corpse crying, for his girlfriend was no more.

2006-08-27 Emily: "She fell down on the grass and dew of the morning wetted her back as she fell asleep against his shoulder in the early morning light."

"And enjoying the closeness that has been denied them for so long." Cut out "and".

"They go their separate ways when the sun disappeared." Conflicting tenses. Shoulkd be 'disappears'.

'She spent the night lying in her bed crying softly till the night claimed her and drew her into the sleep, whilst he threw a stone into her pond of tranquility ruining their moment together through his alcohol and debauchery.' This is a very long run-on sentence and should be reviewed and edited.

'And hour later she got up and walked to the alcohol cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whisky and downed it one…she fell onto the bed again.' Cut out 'and', and don't mention 'alcohol cupboard'. 'Cupboard' will suffice. Also, consider replacing the ellipses with commas.

The rest is very fast-paced. I think with a little editing and fixing some grammatical errors, you could have a very good story. Otherwise, it's a bit meldramatic for my tastes, but well done nonetheless.

I give this story a five, until edited.

2006-09-03 felcin: Thanks, I will do that now. :)


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