[An Elven Song]: 627.Poetry.The Girl They Let Fall

Rating: 0.00  
Uploaded by:
Created:
2007-01-07 16:29:25
 
Keywords:
The Girl They Let Fall
Style:
poetry
The Girl They Let Fall

She was a lonely girl
With not even one friend.
A real unhappy girl
Right to the very end.
Don't let her fall.
Don't let her fall.
No one knew her name because they didn't Even bother
Nobody knew she lacked a mother and a father,
Nobody knew that she'd lie awake at night,
Nobody thought about her, she kept herself From sight.
Sometimes she was bullied, sometimes teased,
Nobody listened to her sad and silent pleas
For help.
The girl always felt alone, even in a crowd.
No one ever saw her smile, she always wore a frown.
Nobody at school ever gave her a second glance
She never joined school sports, or went to a school dance.
So unpopular, so lonely, and so sad.
Never went with the crowd never joined in on a fad.
Didn't wear designer clothes, she rode the bus to high-school.
Nobody talked to her, cuz they were just too cool
They watched her fall.
They watched her fall.
No one knew her name because they didn't even bother
Nobody knew she lacked a mother and a father,
Nobody knew that she'd lie awake each and every night
Nobody thought about her, cuz she kept herself from sight.
Sometimes she was bullied, and sometimes she was teased,
Nobody listened to her sad and silent pleas
for help.
They felt so awful all the kids, the day she died.
Even the cruel mean bullies took the time to cry.
The girl they never noticed walking down the hall.
The girl who they let fall.
The girl that they let fall.
No one knew her name because they didn't even bother
Nobody knew the fact she lacked her mother and father,
Nobody knew that she'd lie awake each and every night,
Nobody thought about her, she kept herself from sight.
Sometimes she was bullied, and sometimes she was teased,
Nobody listened to any of her sad and silent pleas
for help,
she wanted help,
she fell.

2007-01-07 Annie: Ooo...that's really sad. I only have a couple tiny comments. In the phrase "Nobody knew her name because, they didn't even bother" you don't need the comma in the middle. I think it kind of halts the flow of things...plus it's not grammatically necessary. :)
As for over all, remember to capitalize the first letter of each line, and you accidentally spelled pleas "please" one time. :) Really nice poem though, and I would DEFINITELY suggest submitting it to Poetry Dueling Arena in the narrative section!

2007-01-07 An Elven Song: Thank you so much, I will definitely fix the mistakes. :)

2007-01-07 Mister Saint: Very strong mood in this piece. I might suggest some line breaks between the sections, but that's the only structural concern I'd have.

One quick nitpick concerning the ellipsis (...) though. An ellipsis is used to indicate the trailing off of a sentence, and is always the three dots (if I'm not mistaken), but no more or less. You've used a number of them here, and some of them are too many dots. ^^ They're not used incorrectly, necessarily, which means that the problem is purely cosmetic. Lovely poem, all in all.

2007-01-07 An Elven Song: Okay thank you! I'll get right to it.

2007-01-07 An Elven Song: I just fixed it but please do tell me if I missed anything more. I really appreciate all your help you guys. Thanks for actually taking the time to give suggestions it means a lot.

2007-01-07 Mister Saint: Looks good. ^_^


News about Writersco
Help - How does Writersco work?