[Hiarhu]: 631.Numb

I watch
That is all I do
It is all I know
I watch life as it flows
I watch joy
And pain
I watch love
And hate

Cold
That is all I am
I try
I try so hard to feel
I don’t care what
But I can’t
Can you imagine?
Can you understand what it’s like?
To watch what they have
What everyone around you has
And not be able to feel
To watch them move about
To watch them cry and laugh
To watch them fall in love

I am liar
It’s all I know
I lie to you
I make you think I feel what you do
You believe we are the same
You believe that I feel your pain
That I find humor in your jokes

So simple…
Fill your eyes with laughter
One simple joke and the room is laughing
Thinking they’re laughing with you
When all they’re doing is helping you pretend
Shed tears for some stupid reason or another
Just like they do

I have searched for something
Some shred
I’ve cried out to you
Give me something
Some crumb, the sparsest morsel of
Something
Anything

For so long
So long I have tried
I have done all I can to find joy
Be it in subtle words
Or the warmth of the sun
Even in the pale depths of a fragile soul
Glimpsed through eyes of unearthly beauty

Nothing
And when joy eludes me once more
I turn to pain
Listen to your words unending
Until my soul should be scared
Try to release a tear for what I had hoped for
Try to hate those who can
Sear my flesh it matters not
Meaningless interpretations of chemical impulses
No matter how deep the cut
No matter how much blood is spilled
It matters not

I have never been one of them
One of you
I have simply sat and watched
Let apathy consume me
But then

I convinced myself that I could lie
Even to myself
That if I pretended to feel
That if I went through the motions long enough
That I would actually feel

I convinced myself that I could be saved
From myself
I gathered them unto me
Rage
Love
Pain
Joy
I let myself believe that they could save me
So fast…
It happened so fast
All
All of it changed

I was not as I was
Your words
They brought me into the light
I believed
Damn it I believed
I thought that I felt your pain
That I shared in your laughter
That I was free

Fool

What was my sin?
What did I do to earn this hell?
Why must I watch?
My heart beats
My lungs draw breath
I am biologically alive
But I have never lived
I simply…am
I can not live
Yet I can not die either
They will not let it end
No matter how hard I try
For either
They are taken from me

What am I?
What am I that nothing can stir me?
Even death holds no sway over me
I can not find my own death
So I am condemned once more to watch
And I have seen so much
I have watched my friends
My family
I have watched them wither into dust
For so long
So many

I watched each of the people that I held anything for
Watched each of them die
Some even with my own eyes
Watched them breathe their last
The light leave their eyes
I have seen the tears form when they realize
Realize that no person can help them
And that no angel is coming for them
Not once has a tear come into my eye
Not for them
Not for myself condemned to live without them

Please
Tell me
What?
Why?
HOW?
Why can no one tell me?
Tell me how to find what I am missing
Why was it taken from me?

Enough
The words of Apollo can not help me now.
There was a time when the words of a chosen few could have
But now I fear it is to late
I have been abandoned
Here once more in my cold silent home
Once more…
Once more I am…numb