[karly]: 634.my mistake

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2008-07-10 22:52:08
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2007-02-18 Eloura: The emotions in this are pure, A very good base if you want to put more into it. (in my own opinion that is)

2007-02-28 mousepoet: I've discovered that, no matter how creative the rhyme, a rhyme doesn't quite work unless meter is used as well. Count syllables if you really want to consistanly use rhyme. But! If free-verse is what you really want, then go for it as it is. And I really like the last two lines. Besides, you're honest when you write, and that's better than most will ever be.

2007-03-02 Askoga: Alright, here goes my crit! First, I have to say that I disagree with Mousepoet. Rhyme doesn't have to be metered. However, it seems almost like you're half-going for meter here, and that makes it feel awkward. Rhyme works best with some sort of structure (even free verse has a structure. Or at least, "good" free verse does), but it doesn't have to be counted. One of my best poems is unstructured, but that it has rhymes and four lines per stanza.

The very first thing I noticed was that you add an extra "E" to "I'd". Since it's a contraction of "I would", you should remove the "E", because it really doesn't belong there. Also, you have some commas that are out of place, especially those two lines at the end. It sounds weird to have a comma-pause there, while a smaller pause would be okay. The pause should rather be at the end of the second-to-last line.

A lot of this feels extremely clunky. For example, there isn't really a clean transition from the first line to the second. Is there some way you could add another line there? Maybe even just another word, to make the transition smoother?

In the fourth line, I'd suggest changing it to "And then I'd say I tried", adding "then" and removing the second contraction. It's best if you can avoid repeating the same words too often, unless you're going for repetition. Also, dealing with that line and the one following it, they break off at odd places. Free verse works best if you end each line at a strong point. For example, you might change those three lines to something closer to:

And I'd say
I tried to get better
When all I'd done
Was sat

Et cetera. This would, of course, mess up your rhyming, but as mousepoet pointed out, rhyme does not always compliment free verse. Actually, the rhyme is still there, just not at the ends of the lines. This, when applied correctly, can be just as strong as rhymes at the ends. Internal rhyme is difficult to pull off correctly, though.

If we're gonna mess up your rhyming, though, either you'll have to get rid of the rhymes, or fix them so they don't look odd. But we'll get to that only after (if) you change this poem, so I can see what it looks like again.

Then, we have:

I made a mistake and,
Can not fix it

Which would sound better if you said:

I made a mistake
And cannot fix it

Best if you keep with your overall theme of leaving out punctuation. Honestly, I would like to see more punctuation, but that's another thing to add later, after I see what's changed, what you've done.

Now, a good crit always includes some positive, too. Not everything I have to say about this poem is negative, you know. This poem has the potential to be a very strong, very emotion-filled poem, if you let it. Also, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this poem, which is better than I can say about a lot of amateur poetry I've read.

That's all I've got for now. The cafe closes soon, and I can't add more until I've seen the way you handle some of what I've said, anyway. Be well, and be safe. Until we meet again.

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