[karly]: 634.fix yourself

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karly

Created:

2007-02-04 01:46:59

[karly]: 634.take it back

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[karly]: 634 (Top Index)

[karly]: 634.my mistake

Keywords:

you cant help me
unless you help yourself
you try so hard to make me feel better
youve stopped helping yourself
maybe you would be better,
if i let you go
i just cant make it without you
maybe im being selfish
just leave me
and help yourself
please
just leave me to go alone
i dont want to take you down with me
i hope you dont take this the wrong way
i love you, just forget me
im gonna go alone today

this is a very poorly written poem i know. dont be too mean in your comments please

2007-02-04 Taylor: I didn't stop helping myself, and I'm not going to leave you... That is unless you want to leave me.. You aren't taking me down please don't think that

2007-02-04 Emily: Just as a disclaimer, I am not a nice critic!

1. You don't capitalize your 'I's.
2. You forgot your apostrophes.
3. Lack of punctuation.

However, this seemed more fitting than if it were in the bounds of commas and periods, so bravo in that sense.

It is a very erratic poem. There's no rhythm or rhyme, something more like e.e. cummings would put out, only he has more flow than this.

I'd suggest developing it into something more than a bunch of emotions blurbed onto a page. Try putting some literary elements into it or deeper meanings. Might be a fun assignment for you to do.

2007-02-21 An Elven Song: *positive feedback for Korky* *poke* i feed to you positive feedback....*feeds*

2007-03-03 Mister Saint: Um... critique, critique... I'm perfectly fine with your lack of commas and periods, and even not capitalizing 'I' . As long as that stuff is consistent, it works for the open minded. However, do add apostrophes for contractions, as leaving the apostrophe out can change the meaning of the word (its and it's) or just look like lots of spelling errors.

You need stronger verbs. 'take you down' could be 'drag you down', or you could even replace the whole phrase with something else. "I don't want us to be both lost" or something like that.

YOu need more poetic elements in this. Simile and metaphor and double-meanings, concrete images... something other than abstract emotional pleas. There are millions of emo poems like this in existence; you have to fill it with sensory images unique to you to make it worthwhile.

Also, do move your note at the bottom somewhere else. Either with a line break, or move it to the top; I started reading it as part of the poem at first.

The best thing you can do for yourself, as a poet, is learn to conjure up images in your own way. Abstractions just aren't effective alone. ^^