[Laika]: 661.Contest Entries.Unlazy Poets.April 07 - Supersized

2007-04-16 Mister Saint: *snickers* Priceless...

I think some of the emphasis is a little bit off from the mold. In the second line, there's an extra unstressed syllable (up). The format's a little cruel to non-native English speakers, I think.

2007-04-17 Laika: Would the rhythm work better if I changed the second line to "who hooked up with a guy called Bailey"? This syllable-thingy is killing me. x___X (though I do like the challenge)

2007-04-17 Mister Saint: Mmm... well, there's the right number of syllables, its just that the stresses are in awkward places for the format. It reads like this.

"who HOOKED up with A guy called BAILey"

The stress on the article "A" is tough to get through. Though again, I can definitely see the problem from a language perspective... hm.

Maybe if you changed 'a' to 'some'?

"who HOOKED up with SOME guy named BAILey" ? 

2007-04-17 Laika: Yeah, but I'd rather not use "named" twice, especially since even the possibility for that is kinda lame. That second line has been biting my bottom for weeks now. :D I'll replace a-some-thingy, though, if that'd do the trick.

2007-04-17 Mister Saint: Well... leaving 'they call' in gives it an extra syllable. what about 'called' instead of 'named'?

2007-04-18 Laika: There. ^^

2007-04-19 mousepoet: "Who dated a guy they called Bailey"? Maybe.

2007-04-20 Laika: But I'd like to keep the one-night-stand impression there. o.-

2007-04-28 RiddleRose: teehee! nice

2007-05-04 mousepoet: :) I get it.