[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.Essays.There's Something About That Guy

After taking an entire semester of “Discover Yourself 101” (a.k.a. HC120.89) I’ve discovered so much about myself that might’ve otherwise taken years to figure out by myself. Through climbing through the tangled branches of my family tree, sorting out my value filing system, and even figuring how much my Enneagram weighs I’ve, in some odd way, become more myself than I was before; or at least I know more about who I am. Now, taking a few moments to look back on it all, I can’t help but wonder what it’ll all mean to me through the rest of my life.
I was raised by two wonderful parents. My mother was a stay-at-home mom who loved her children and grandchildren dearly. She cared about how we did in school (without hovering), who we hung out with (without being too judgmental), and what kind of person we grew up to be (without forcing us into a mold). Still, she wasn’t a pushover. Mom was law. Since dad wasn’t around much due to work, my mom made the rules, made dinner, made our clothes fresh, and made me the person I am today. She taught me kindness, compassion, love, devotion, and how to support those in need by being there for me whenever I needed someone to lean on, or a hand to squeeze when the pain of after-surgery recovery got to be too much. My dad, being the terrifyingly big man he is, instilled a sense of fear and respect of authority in me. He was the kind of person who was tall, but got two feet taller when angry. Considering that 1/3 of the time I remember seeing him when I was younger he was angry, this left me with a fear of my dad that I still face today. Even so, he was a gentleman, and my parents never got into fights like you see married couples on TV getting into. In fact, over the 16 years they’ve been married, I’ve never once seen them even raise their voices at each other (well, except when playing cards, but that’s another story). They were the kind of parents you wanted to be raised by. Gentle, yet firm. Understanding, yet strict. Trusting, yet reasonably doubtful and protective. Because of them, I know how I want to raise my children. It might not be exactly the way that they did it, but it’s close enough.
The rest of my family, friend and, of course, teachers, as I’ve already said, instilled other such values in me. My brother taught me how to competitive, and yet not to gloat too much when you win, because losing feels bad enough as it is. My aunts and uncles taught me how to be a gracious host when having company over; even it was family that you saw all of the time. And even my dogs and cats, whom I just couldn’t live without, taught me how to love unconditionally, to support those who you couldn’t understand, and that, sometimes, just being there is enough. Still, even with all of these influences, there was one thing that had an even greater impact on my life. Video games.
Video games were my real parents, in a weird way. Video games taught me more than my teachers ever dreamed of, than my parents ever attempted to, and than my friends could fathom… combined. I learned how to be myself, how to succeed when (literally) the entire world is up against you, and that if you try hard enough, you can and will overcome anything. They instructed me in the art of color in clothing, they instilled in me persistence to overcome initial failure, and they entertained me to absolutely no end, even to this day. If it weren’t for video games, my interest in psychology would probably be little to none, my understanding of philosophy would rank up there with the average teen’s, and my problem-solving skills/hand-eye coordination would probably be horribly crippled in comparison to where they are now. I owe my life and values to video games, no matter how much any other source may have changed me, so they have dibs on the greatest influence.
My Enneagram test revealed my lack of definition in character. Sure, The Loyalist came out on top, but it was only hairs above 5 others. What’s a guy suppose to think? I know I’m an eclectic, eccentric, energetic individual without any valuable reasons to follow the social norm. I already knew that I was a mix-and-match personality who contradicted myself at every other turn when given the chance. All the Enneagram tried to do was to pin me down to a label, and I’m not sure if, subconsciously, that made me rig the test (somehow) so that I wouldn’t be so easily labelable, or what, but it didn’t work out so well. I’ve been told that’s normal at my age, but I somehow believe that I’ll always be that way. Since I was young I’ve known these things about myself, and I don’t plan on changing anytime soon. Maybe this means I will change, who knows? I certainly don’t, but I’m willing to take the risk and put down $100 on that I don’t drastically change or lean towards a specific personality type before I’m 30. Care to take the bet?  … I didn’t think so.
As far as careers go, I want to be a writer. Or an actor. Or a singer. Or a psychologist. Or a teacher. Or a… you know, I just don’t know what I want to be. Why don’t I know? Good question. I’m a diverse person (as I’ve already said) and so I have this variety of interests that could take me in a thousand different directions. Unfortunately for me, staying in school long enough to pursue 1000 careers at once takes a lot of time and money that I’m just not willing to spend. Sad, I know, but there’s not a whole lot that I can really do about that. Still, I’d like to flex my creative muscles, so to speak, in some large way because, otherwise, I just won’t be able to enjoy my job enough to stay in it for more than a day or two, which just won’t help anyone involved, especially not the people who hired me for my creative potential/skill set. If I become a writer, it’ll be to explore my understand of the human mind and how to appeal to people. It’ll be to spread my imagination and thoughts to the world at large without having to worry about whether or not everyone accepts it, just so long as it affects someone out there enough to buy my book. If it’s teaching, I want to do it to truly instruct the youth of the nation. I want to be as influential to my students about the real world, about life as my teachers were to me. My teachers were mentors and guides to me, and they made my learning a fun experience that I’d like to give back to kids. Kids NEED fun teachers, because otherwise they almost never get interested in the course materials, and then what’s the point in teaching it to them? If I become an actor or a singer, it’ll be to show the world that you can overcome anything, that you can do or be anything or anyone you want to be, no matter what obstacles you have to overcome. If it’s something else then, well, I’ll just have to see why and how I’m pursuing that career. Until then, I remain the undecided third party in how my future will pan out, at least career-wise.
As far as the rest of my life goes, I just want a simple family. My wife, my kids, and a few pets. My oldest child will be a girl (if it’s not I just don’t know what I’ll do). I’ll definitely have a dog or two… or fourteen. I just want to live a simple, relaxed sort of life. Something that I can enjoy, that my family can enjoy without having to worry about money or the world collapsing around their ears; even though everyone will always be worried about the second thing, right up until it happens. I don’t need dreams any bigger than happiness and serenity, I don’t see the point in trying to be a multi-billionaire unless it’s to help other people, and I don’t see the point in being famous unless you’re going to change the world for the better. I just want to get by comfortably and happily with my family without society trying to crush me beneath its big, ugly boots.
So, I’m different. I’m a writer, psychologist, actor, singer, eclectic, eccentric, contradictory, hyper, moody, intelligent individual with nowhere I’ll let myself go but forward in life. Though everyone can try to pin me down with their labels, it’ll never work. Sure, I’ll accept their labels, but you couldn’t keep me pinned to a label if you stapled it to my forehead. In the end, I’m me, and that’s all there is to it. You don’t like that, then get out of my way.

© Tyr Hawkaluk (2004-Present)