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[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.Stories.Sh
Rating: 0.00 Uploaded by: Created: 2010-01-02 19:58:14Keywords: Ghitta Job Vs. Anna Nuther... let it begin!Genre:ComedyStyle:short storyLicense:Free for readingA short story based on the not yet bestselling novel “I’m Kidding”
Since the dawn of Ghit’s life only two things had ever challenged his superiority to everything within a two mile radius of himself. The first, and most troublesome of the two, was a girl by the name of Anna Nuther. If there was one thing in the world that made Ghit feel like wringing its paper-white, turtleneck-swe
Anna was four seats away, her head resting on her arms, probably asleep again2. She was wearing her infamous gibbous moon glasses and her checkered skirt, as usual. Her ponytails were just out of arm’s reach, and there was only twelve minutes left of Ms. Eyil’s Algebra 2 class, which meant there were only four minutes left until a fight broke out. It was common knowledge that Ghit and Anna never made it through anything more than 52 minutes of anything without attempting to eliminate the other’s existence. Actually, Ghit was usually the one trying; his rival was far more interested in sleeping or staring at her notebooks.
“Look at her.” Ghit commented to the air behind his head. The air did so, but not just because it was told to. “She thinks she’s so tired.” His eyes narrowed, those four minutes were quickly decaying into seconds3. Ms. Eyil went on talking about Trigonometry, blissfully aware of the impending doom, and fully prepared for it. Seconds ticked by, and the air wondered why Ghit had stopped talking to it suddenly; it had thought they were friends.
Ghit stood and held out an arm. Two sets of twins two rows behind the two rivals ripped open their backpacks and tossed two two-hundred dollar lightsabers towards the two. Ghit kicked his seat away and Ms. Eyil ran for the phone. Anna lifted her head just in time to get hit with the second saber.
“Ow!” she yelped. The lightsaber clattered across the desk and struck another student in the back of the leg. Before Anna could straighten out where she was and why her head hurt, desks had been pushed to the walls and bets were being placed. Somewhere in the shouts of dollars and odds, a math teacher was dialing every emergency number she could recall and slowly stating that there would be consequences if she had to get involved herself4. Ghit glared at Anna, Anna rubbed the back of her head, the air put $10 on Ghit.
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1 Scientist’s are still working out how this keeps anyone’s pants from falling down.
2 What? I don’t know everything.
3 As it turns out, the half life of these particular minutes was 10 seconds. You do the math.
4 You should pray this never happens. Right now, if at all possible.
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Bizoovw… the first lightsaber yawned as Ghit woke it with the push of a button. The crowd was switched to silent mode. VVvv… Vrrwwm… Ghit’s blade continued. Annoyed that he’d gotten the chatterbox of a lightsaber, our young hero pointed the glowing sword at Anna.
“Get up,” he said, “unless you’d rather give up before we’ve begun.”
“You know that wouldn’t be,” Anna paused for a yawn as she bent down to grab her weapon, “any fun at all.” Bizoovw.
Once his opponent was armed, Ghit wasted no time at all initiating his attack. The battle raged during what little time it had before the local S.W.A.T. team showed up. Blows were exchanged. A stab here, a slash there, flips, blocks, the occasional pause for impressive decorative moves that should have no place in a real fight, and at last they came to the all important lock of blades with story-driven dialogue5.
Ghit started, since he was on the right. “Is that all you’ve got, Anna? I’ll have to find a rival that can offer a challenge if you don’t shape up.”
Anna followed from the left. “I just woke up. Tribuo mihi fragmen6.” A collective gasp issued from the crowd, they were already speaking in Latin, and it was only the second line of dialogue; this was serious.
“Nunquam in mille annus7.”
“Vos volo consumo ut ultum vicis me8?” Someone fainted.
“You wanna ease up on the translators and quit speaking in Latin?” Someone else fainted.
“I’m sorry if it bothers you, Ghit, but that’ta my Job.” At this point in the story, and before anyone else can faint, I feel it is necessary to clarify the insult that was presented through Anna’s capitalization of the word ‘job.’ It is not, as some might suspect, a clever insertion of the name of the infamous Job from the Bible, upon whom the evils of the world were wrought in order for God to win an argument and in this case would insinuate that Latin was being tortured for no good reason, being used to represent slang expressions between two modern-day characters in messy online translations that the author looked up. Instead, it’s simply Ghit’s full name, Ghitta Job, broken down into a much less thought out pun9.
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5 This really is necessary in all fight scenes, because during the middle of the action there’s all that noise and it just gets confusing.
6 Give me a break
7 Never in a thousand years
8 You want to spend that much time with me?
9 Highly disappointing suddenly, isn’t it?
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“Oh, get over yourself.” The lightsabers moved back into action, Ghit furiously striking at Anna, backing her towards the crowd gathered at the North wall. Everyone gathered at the wall moved as far East and West as possible, while keeping their view of the fight.
Sweat coated Anna’s forehead as she struggled to keep the pace of the battle, and then her foot caught on a wry molecule of Nitrogen and she slipped. Her body, overtaken by gravity, lurched backwards. Arms and legs frantically flailed around in a futile attempt to keep the rest of the body upright. Anna watched in super-regular motion as Ghit snapped the glowing plastic blade into her 19% body fat stomach, ending her all too short life as a Jedi. Complete silence filled the fraction of a second it took for Anna to get from Point A, a spot 2’ 8.5” from the floor where Anna, in theory, could remain horizontally suspended if gravity hadn’t had other ideas about the subject10, to Point B, the floor.
Cheers erupted, boos echoed, and the thud of a girl and her blade was lost as far as sounds inside of a noisy room go. The familiar stench of desks, paper, and non-cauterized flesh and blood, calmed Ghit. TTSShhwww… his lightsaber went out, and he tossed it back to the twins that had originally thrown it to him. Just as it landed in the hands of the twins, the windows shattered. Thirteen S.W.A.T’s surrounded Ghit and Anna.
“I should’ve known it was you two again.” the captain said with a frown, lowering his handgun.
Ghit looked around at the heavily armed, highly trained, window smashing brute squad the police department had sent to suppress yet another of his high school disputes. Heydees was far too small a town to need such an impressive display of force, but the Mayor insisted that “A good community is built with three things: stained wood, people, and a police force armed to the teeth with whatever munitions taxpayer money can buy.” Consequently, the town had a single squad of 30 men with more firepower than some small nations. Also, they’d been subjected to three UN inspections for suspected WMD production. No bombs were ever found11. Ghit thought about asking whether or not they had anything better to do, but decided this was neither the time, nor the place, to be bringing up what happened on September 3rd that year12.
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10 These were not thoughts on the suspension of teenage girls above classroom floors, they were thoughts of Algebra II, which you really should have guessed.
11 There are bombs though, they just never found them.
12 Suffice it to say that Ghit’s house was now located on top of Main Street.
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“Ya, you should’ve. Why didn’t you?” he asked, finally breaking the long string of background information I was getting tired of writing.
“I was actually wondering the same thing.” Anna said, slowly standing up without her lightsaber.
“Well… you know. I just hoped it was someone else.” The captain was never quite sure what to do when presented with matters beyond breaking windows and pointing guns at people. “But… shouldn’t I be the one asking the questions?”
“That depends,” Ghit answered casually, brushing a glass shard off of one of his belts, “Do you have any of the answers?”
“Well… I know that it was you two and that, your teacher…” The captain was the one sweating now. Beads of salty perspiration slid down his face and into his thick black suit, only forcing the captain into a higher state of discomfort13.
“Allow me,” Anna interrupted. “We’ve caused a disturbance in the educational continuum of mathematics. Ms. Eyil, perturbed by our outburst, insisted upon your assistance and you, being adroit enforcers of the law, arrived in as timely a manner as possible in order to suppress our extravagant actions.”
Ghit yawned loudly, cutting off anything else Anna may have wanted to say. “We did something wrong, you guys are here to stop us. Can we get on to 7th period now?”
After a few seconds of considering all this, the captain shrugged. Ms. Eyil, however, was not in the least bit appeased by all this. She was, in fact, prepared to open up a portal to the underworld and summon forth the spirits of Calculus to punish these blasphemous non-mathians. “You both have detention this afternoon.” she announced coldly; some of her students shivered.
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13 Discomfort Level was now at Goldenrod.
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* * *
Seventh period ended. Ghit and his best friend rose from their seats, already trenched in a volley of verbs and pronouns14.
“That sucks, dude.” God Johnson said to Ghit as they both picked up their backpacks. “Why do you even go to that class anymore?”
“Because she’s gonna slip up some day. And I wanna be there when that happens, God.” Ghit replied with a satisfied smirk at the thought of Anna failing to solve the Riemann hypothesis. Of course, it wasn’t like anyone else in the world could, but it really was, in every possible way, the thought that counted15. “I wanna be there.”
“Hey, whatever you say, man. Just don’t kill no one, ya? I’ll see you at your house later then. Take this,” God slipped a bottle of apple juice from only God knew where, and handed it to Ghit, “it’ll come in handy.”
Anna was already in the room, asleep in the front row. Ghit sat against the back wall, leaned his chair back onto two legs, crossed his arms, and tried to make her head explode using only his thoughts. One of these thoughts woke Anna, who was rather sensitive to thoughts about her head exploding16.
“Ghitta, one of us is attempting to catch up on her lack of REM sleep. So, if it’s not an excessive bother, she would appreciate it if you would cease in your attempts to kill her.” Anna never opened her eyes, she never even turned around. Ghit tried to make her head explode again.
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14 Also known as a conversation.
15 Including that way. In case you were wondering.
16 Other types of thoughts Anna is sensitive to include being: stabbed in the back, shot, dismembered, maimed, run over by a steamroller, and hugged.
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There is an average of 15 times in every person’s life when they are perfectly justified in taking the nearest liftable object and throwing it across the room at someone. This was Anna’s third, though she assumed it was her second. In one fluid17 motion, she stood, whipped around and her pencil punctured the apple juice bottle Ghit was using as a shield. Tiny drops of yellowish juice slid out along the pencil and casually fell off the little metal bit right before the eraser onto the floor. Almost amused, Ghit watched as they formed a tiny puddle below his chair and sighed at his fuming arch nemesis. “Anna,” he started slowly, making sure to correct any typos in his speech before letting it get into the air, “you do know that this is a terribly silly thing we do everyday, yes?”
“Of course I do, Ghitta.” Anna let go of a long breath, and a lot of tension along with it. The tension was glad to be free; the breath, not so much. “In fact, if you’ll recall, in the 26 times that we’ve had detention together it is always I who mentions this all-too-import
He smirked before he went on. “So then, I propose a truce.” An eyebrow went up18. “You can take Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I’ll take Tuesday and Thursday.”
“And what of tests?”
“I’m sure that Ms. Eyil will be all too glad not to have to deal with this just to give one of us a test a day later or earlier.” Although it wasn’t yet known to Ghit or Anna at this point in time, Ms. Eyil wouldn’t have been the least bit glad about this arrangement. She was, in fact, at that very moment working out exactly how to counteract this plan of theirs using Local Bifurcation19.
Anna only blinked in consideration before replying with a not entirely confident: “No.” This was the answer Ghit wasn’t looking for. “I’m sorry, Ghitta, but I can’t condone you skipping school on my behalf. Nor could I ever permit myself to neglect my scholarly duties. And besides,” she smiled at him and dropped the awkward bomb, “I really like you and our time together.”
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17 Purple Kool-Aid, to be exact.
18 It was Anna’s.
19 No, really, look this up.
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Fourteen seconds. Fourteen insanely, painfully, adeptly awkward seconds of pure, golden silence passed before even the clock dared to tick again. Ghit’s hardened glare was backhanded into an astonished gape. He teetered off balance, and his chair’s front legs clacked against the tile floor. The silence went on undisturbed by this sudden explosion of its antithesis, and would’ve loved being able to do so if it hadn’t been naked at the time20. Then, Ghit regained speaking capacity, and the silence was able to escape and get dressed.
“You what?” It wasn’t the most clever response in history, but it was certainly better than the ‘Er?’ he’d been originally planning.
“I enjoy time spent in your company, and I would be quite pleased if you would accept an invitation to spend more of your time in my company.” She kept right on smiling, trying not to trip while standing still. It was much harder than it sounds.
Ghit, in an attempt to sort things out, removed a toothpick from his pocket and stared at it. The toothpick, the international symbol of getting things out of uncomfortable places without making you stick your finger in there, represented precisely that at that moment. Slowly, Ghit made a perfect replica of its pointed ends, its rounded wooden shaft, and its calming tan coloration in his head, then used this mental toothpick to remove the awkward from his brain. With each chunk that was removed, Ghit could feel his mind working more clearly, could see the world in a better light, could stop worrying about brain cavities. Soon enough, he broke his concentration, looked up at Anna, and smirked.
“Nice little trick,” he spat, tossing away the toothpick.
“It’s not a ruse. I’m being compl-“
“Right.” Ghit cut into her sentence so sharply that it didn’t have the chance to bleed. “And I’m the king of EnglandTM.”
Anna, unphazed by even the full force of Ghit’s skepticism21, tried again. “If that is so, then there is a valid excuse for my admiration for you. But, even if that were to prove false, I would still be inclined to ask again for your hand in dating.”
He gave his opponent one more hard look, then shook his head in the way that only disappointed college professors are supposed to be able to. “You’re some piece of work, Anna.” She almost smiled, it was the closest Ghit had ever come to complimenting her. “But you’re not only not my type, you’re not even my handwrite.”
Anna sat down again so that she could sleep. Ghit leaned back against the wall and considered how he was going to tell this story to his friends. The apple juice puddle reached its maximum as the last drop slid down and fell to the floor. In 25 minutes, there was going to be a pissed off janitor, but, for now at least, the clock ticked away the only time Ghit and Anna ever spent together.
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20 Get it? Awkward silence…? Anyone…? No? Okay.
21 Which has, at times, forced even the most adamant believers to give cheesecake a try.