[Mister Saint]: 79.Poetry.The Spilling Ants

Rating: 0.45  
Uploaded by:
2007-02-02 17:18:43
Free verse
Free for reading
“Write a poem about a disturbing experience, using simile and metaphor.”

“The Spilling Ants”

Love is like a red, red rose.

This filth I must uphold.
A wicker man of god damned rose.
Of gore-soaked thorn,
And bloody bloom,
And doom, and doom, and doom.

Wet lines glower, raging,
Slashing forward like a line of ants.
Ants arriving, ants despising,
Lines of fire ants
Marching softly
Like broken drums of war.

The ants boil forth like rabid froth
And drip, drip down my arm.

A hazy fate enfolds them,
Black, like ashes of
A burned-down church
Or mosque, engulfed in flame.
Doom, doom, doom
The red drums thunder on.

Fire ants spatter to the floor.
Thickly, darkly, sickly splatter.

Like morning murders night
Your love has slaughtered me,
And all my ants
Have gone.
Upon my floor the ants disperse.
Gasping outward.

Like a dead, red rose.

2007-01-24 Nightshadow: Hmm...the first verse, love, looks forced into rhyming, "agree" and (also the only mixed-up grammar in teh poem) "pierce deeply me". Maybe consider breaking the rhyme? I like the first line of those less, although the grammar of the second is off-putting and may merit revision. Beautiful, beautiful imagery, though, it's the strong point of the poem.

2007-01-24 Mister Saint: *considers* Hmm... *thinkses* Good points, angel, merry good... I shall think of how to fix it up! Thank you!

2007-02-02 seemoreglass48: Hmmm...actually, I kinda think it might be better without the last line. I think it would leave more of an impression on me. Yes, the language is better. There are still a few words like "forth" and "uphold" that aren't as contemporary...but I think they're alright. I like the repetition of doom, somehow. It's so much different than the style of stuff I read that it's difficult for me to critique...so I may come back to it later to look at it again if it's alright.

2007-02-02 Mister Saint: By all means. Actually, the doom thing was an accident of sorts. It kinda fit in my head, and afterwards I realized "Oh... doom, doom, doom, sounds like timpani drums."

News about Writersco
Help - How does Writersco work?