[Metal Tsubasa]: 95.The Story of Kiral Ilya.The monster inside

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Created:
2006-06-16 19:50:48
 
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Genre:
Childrens
Style:
novel
License:
Free for reading
There was blood everywhere; it seeped into the wood of the small house and all the grass and dirt that ran like a road through the village. Now however, the only apparent road was the blood that ran like river down and out of the town. Kiral stumbled out of his sister’s house, bewildered and terrified for his life.
“Someone help!” he shouted, falling down the steps onto the ground. Blood, mixed with mud splashed up onto his face, which caused him to leap to his feet. “Someone please help me! Oh gods! Please!
He had blocked out everything that he had seen in the house. The blood on his own sheets, Larissa’s body strewn across her bedroom, then the children’s bloody bodies, or what was left of them. The youngest had been split in two, or for the most part. Clearly something had tried to pull the tiny creature through the bars of its crib, but only managed to get half out and left the rest, spilling blood out onto the floor, and on the rest of the body. With Larissa’s older son, he had put up slightly more of a fight, for his toy sword was bloody and broken in half, one part of it in the boy’s throat, which held the upper part of the boys body to the wall. What had happened to the rest of his body, was unclear, for while the entire room seemed to be painted in blood, there were no remains of the child from the waist down, not even bones. Kiral had seen it, but as he stumbled about the death filled village, all he could remember was falling into the bloody night.

2006-08-01 dmeredith: "Larissa’s body strewn across her bedroom"

Not liking this phrase... I don't know that strewn is the best word to use unless you say body parts. In any case like before, I think it needs MUCH more graphic detail. This should be a climax of your story. It has to horrify your readers as much as it horrifies Kiral if not more. I recommend being brutally ruthless in detail.
"The angelic faces of the slaughtered children seemed to stare at him accusingly as their steaming entrails snaked like great bloody serpents all across the rough wooden floor from their jaggedly sundered bellys..." for example. Make me wanna puke!
Again as with the other three section; good start, more detail, oh and watch out for run on sentences too.
But seriously very good start. If you clean it up a bit I think it could be quite emotive. ;')

2006-08-06 Metal Tsubasa: Thank you so much. Honestly, I don't usualy write things like this. I will deffiently make it more gory... to the best of my abilty.


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