[Metal Tsubasa]: 95.The Story of Kiral Ilya.To be well

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Created:
2006-06-14 22:07:42
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Genre:
Childrens
Style:
novel
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Free for reading
He felt so dizzy, but still he walked through the forest. Whatever had been chasing him seemed to be gone, but still he needed to push on. If I’m better, Kiral thought, his breath getting heavy, then I wont have to bother Larissa anymore… That was his driving factor and with that in his mind Kiral freely pushed on even though his lungs felt as if the would explode.
He went deep into the forest, following the path as the woman had directed. He was sure that Larissa was worried about him, that she was out looking for him, but all that mattered was going back to her a healthy, providing man.
Everything was getting darker and darker by the second and the path was harder and harder to see the path in front of him. It was when the path completely disappeared that Kiral found himself in the middle of a camp. Light was coming dimly from some fires a little ways off and all around where figures. They were pale in skin color and they all seemed rather odd as they moved around, clearly not human. Was this the place? Was this where he could become well? Kiral didn’t have a chance to really question it when one of the figures began to walk in his direction. Normally, he would have turned and tried his best to run away, but now he just stood in his place.
“Who are you stranger,” the figure asked, his eyes flashing an odd color, “and what are you doing in our encampment?”
Kiral had to catch his breath before answering, but still his voice was shaky. “I-is this t-the place…” he panted, wobbling slightly, “is this… t-the place w-where I can… get better?”
The figure’s eyes widened momentarily before shifting with his smile, which revealed a pair of fangs; a demon. “Why yes it is,” the demon said as he patted Kiral on the shoulder before leading him into the camp. “Whatever ails you, we can cure.”
Something about this seemed wrong, but still Kiral followed the demon into the camp and still he listened to everything that the other demons had to say. Many other stood about as they talked, and clearly they were laughing at Kiral, but he didn’t care. Whatever it was, if it would make him healthy he would do it.
“So you still agree to do this?” the first demon questioned as he stood from his seat. “If you do this, you wont be the person you once were, do you understand?”
Kiral’s eyes flashed fiercely in the firelight as he too stood at the demons side. “I don’t want to be this person anymore!” he shouted, causing the outside ring of demons to sit back slightly. “Whatever it is, whatever I have to do, I’m going to do it if it means I’ll be healthy.”
That was all it took and the demon began to lead him to a tent in the far corner of the camp. There was nothing that would stop him from becoming a healthy person.
“You can’t keep doing this Annik!” a voice shouted from the other side of the camp, causing both the demon and Kiral to turn and look.
Everyone knew that figure, or at least the demons there did for in a panic they rushed to get away, all but the demon, which now appeared to be called Annik. The figure that stood staring back at Annik was none other than a god, the shadow god Toen. Kiral had never been one to worship gods, so to him, this was just another demon, possibly more powerful than Annik and his companions, but nothing more.
“He chose this on his own Wraith,” Annik called back as he clutched to Kiral’s shoulder. “You can’t convince him otherwise!”
That much was true, even if Kiral had known a god was trying to stop him, he wouldn’t have changed his mind. Larissa was all that mattered and he would do whatever it took to make her life easier. So it took nothing at all for him to shout back, “I did choose this! I won’t ever go back to being as I am now!”
Kiral went into the tent before Annik, who stayed back to face the god. “You can’t save them all Toen,” the demon said with a smile. “Don’t you understand that he wanted this, he wanted to be something better than he was?”
“You always do this,” Toen growled, “you tell them just enough, with out telling them what it really is! What will happen when he loses control?!”
But all that Annik would say was, “It doesn’t matter now, god, the transformation is complete.”
Toen could do nothing now, and his face showed his utter defeat. With clenched fists he began to walk towards the dark forest again. “I wont clean up another of your messes Annik,” he shouted back just before disappearing into the darkness.
When the shadow god was gone Kiral stumbled out of the tent a long gash from the right side of his jaw to the left. It bleed so badly that the whole front of Kiral’s clothing was drenched in his own blood. However, it was apparent that something was inside of the gash… almost like a second row of teeth possibly. Kiral tried to keep it closed, holding the gash with his blood seeping out from between his fingers.
“W-what did…” the pale figure cried, his blood going back down his throat, “what d-did… you… d-do… to me…?!”
But Annik wasn’t surprised by the gash, it was the fact that Kiral was in a human form. “You’re not a demon?!” he shouted. “What happened in there, what went wrong?!”
Whether or not he would find out, Annik took care of Kiral. He tended to the cut daily, all the while questioning about the transformation. Kiral never remembered what happened after he had stepped into the tent. All he could remember was a face of a monster, something that was clearly not human, but not demon either. Upon telling this to Annik, even the demon was puzzled by it.
“Normally,” he told Kiral, “they become demons, healthy demons. I’m sorry Kiral, but we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. I can’t let you go back to your beloved sister until we know what’s happened to your body.”
Kiral could do nothing but agree. He wasn’t strong enough to walk, even though her knew that this time, he would actually get better, that was all that mattered to Kiral. Once he was better, he would return to Larissa and make everything better. For now, however he would spend his time with Annik. The demon, who had come off so cold and harsh became as close to a friend as Kiral had had in quite sometime. Still, even when the gash had formed a thick scar, neither Kiral nor Annik knew anything about what had happened or what Kiral would become.
“I have to return to my sister,” said the young man one day while he and Annik sat at the edge of the encampment. “I’ve been gone for almost a year now. I’m sure she thinks I’m dead by now, but I have to return to her.”
Annik didn’t want to agree, not when it meant that he would never know what Kiral had become. Nonetheless, he had grown soft in his time with Kiral and, though upset, Annik simply agreed. He watched as Kiral left, though he hoped that someway he would one day find out what this creature would actually become.
The path seemed foreign to Kiral as he walked it in the day light. He felt nothing like he had when he had first gone. Kiral’s body wasn’t struggling, he could breathe easily, he could even run with out worrying about passing out mid stride. It was then that he gave up on figuring out what had happened. If he was well, that was all that mattered.
When he reached the small house, Kiral rushed in as fast as he could. “Larissa!” he shouted, running through every room. “Larissa! It’s me! It’s Kiral! I’m home sister!”
There was silence, so Kiral walked out onto the patio and sat down on the steps. He waited there until the sun was setting and it was then that he heard his sisters cry.
“Kiral?!” she shouted, causing the young man to look up. “Kiral, is that you?!”
As the young man saw his sister he stood, tears streaming down his face. “Larissa…” he paused, “I’m back.”

2006-08-01 dmeredith: What you've got here (again minus a few typos) is good, but as a reader I think I want it fleshed out a bit more. First, I think I want a more graphic description of kiral's actual transformation. I also think that there needs to be a little more descriptive detail to really build the feelings of dread and forboding. Again I think it needs more sights, sounds, and feelings. Finally, I would put a hard break between the conclusion of the discussion with the demon and Kiral returning home. You might also include some description of his return trip. How does Kiral feel that he is different before he arrives? Does he notice a change? Is his perception the same as that of the ones he loves? Overall the premiss is good. I think the idea of a desperate man with shattered health making a questionable deal to save himself is a very good one. It's quite believable and if executed well he could be a very sympathetic character to your readers.

2006-08-06 Metal Tsubasa: I know, I think that when I wrote this, I really just wanted to get the bare facts down before I forgot it. I plan to fix it up, because it does suck.


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