{<<::now for some random ass shit::>>}
QUESTIONS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!
1.If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
2.Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
3.Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
4.Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
5.How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
6.If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
7.Do stairs go up or down
8.Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
9."Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

10.Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
11.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
12.Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
13.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
14.In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
15.Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
16.Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
17.Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
18.If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
19.Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
20.If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
21.If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
22.If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
23.Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
24.If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
25.If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
26.If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
27.Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
28.If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
29.Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
30.Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
31.Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
32.Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
33.When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
34.Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
35.When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
36.What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
37.Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
38.If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
39.If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
40.When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
41.Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
42.How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
43.Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
44.Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
45.Do ducks sneeze?
46.What would happen if you said "hi" to your friend named Jack "Hi Jack"
47.Do fish ever get thirsty?
48.What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
49.If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
50.why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
51.if someone was raped but they have a fetish for rape is it still rape.cause they like it but they like it as rape.

lolz dead baby jokes
 1. What is funnier than a dead baby?
  A dead baby in a clown costume.
 2. What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
  No one cries when you chop up the baby.
 3. What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
  One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
 4. What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
  Dart-boards don't bleed.
 5. What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
  About 500 calories.
 6. Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
  So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
 7. Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
  The family used it to crack nuts.
 8. Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
  They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
 9. Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
  So you can see the expression on their faces.
10. Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
  So that if its born dead they can make soup.
11. Why did the baby cross the road?
  It was stapled to the chicken.
12. How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
  It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
13. How many babies fit in a blender?
  Depends on how powerful the blender is.
14. How do you know when a baby is dead?
  It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
15. How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
  Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
16. How do you save a drowning baby?
  Harpoon it.
17. How do you turn a baby into a dog?
  Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.
18. How do you turn a baby into a cat?
  Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.
19. How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
  With a blender.
  How do you get them out again?
  With Doritos.
20. How do you make a dead baby float?
  Take your foot off its head.
  or:
  A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.
21. What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
  Blood brothers.
22. What is red and is creeping up your leg?
  An abortion with homesickness.
23. What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
  Stillbirth.
24. What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
  Crib death.
25. What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
  Art.
26. What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
  A baby in a microwave.
27. What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
  Baby with slashed floaties.
28. What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
  Floaties with a slashed baby.
29. What is red and hangs around trees?
  A baby hit by a snow blower.
30. What is green and hangs around trees?
  Same baby 3 weeks later.
31. What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
  A baby with forks in its eyes.
32. What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
  A baby thrown into a furnace.
33. What is brown and gurgles?
  A baby in a casserole.
34. What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
  A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
35. What is black and goes up and down?
  A baby in a toaster.
36. What is red and hangs out of the back of a train?
  A miscarriage.
37. What is red and goes round and round?
  A baby in a garbage disposal.
38. What is red and swings back and forth?
  A baby on a meat hook.
39. What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
  A baby nailed to the floor.
40. What is red and sits in the corner?
  A baby with razor blades.
41. What is blue and sits in the corner?
  A baby in a baggie.
42. What is black and sits in a corner?
  A baby with it's finger in a power socket.
43. What is green and sits in the corner?
  Same baby two weeks later.
44. What is black and charred?
  A baby chewing on an extension cord.
45. What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
  A baby with his hair on fire.
46. What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
  A baby with a punctured lung.
47. What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
  A baby in your freezer.
48. What is pink, flies and squeals?
  A baby fired from a catapult.
  What do you call the baby when it lands?
  Free pizza.
49. What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
  The wall behind it.
50. What is white and glows pink?
  A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.
51. What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
  Ripping it off again.
52. What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
  Catching it with a pitchfork.
53. What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
  Stopping them with a shovel.
54. What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
  Doing it with a snow blower.
55. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
  A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
56. What bounces up and down at 100mph?
  A baby tied to the back of a truck.
57. What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
  Twins in an acid bath.
58. What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
  A baby with a javelin through its throat.
59. What is little and can't fit through a door?
  A baby with a spear in its head.
60. What is the definition of fun?
  Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.
61. What has 4 legs and one arm?
  A doberman on a children's playground.
62. What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
  A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.
63. What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
  Your baby's leg.
64. What present do you get for a dead baby?
  A dead puppy.
65. What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
  One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
66. What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
  100 dead babies in a trash can.
  What is worse than that?
  There's a live one at the bottom.
  What is worse than that?
  It eats its way out.
  What is worse than that?
  It comes back for seconds.
67. Know what's gross?
  Running over a baby with a truck.
  Know whats worse?
  Skidding on it.
  Worse than that?
  Peeling it off the tires.
68. What is the worst part about killing a baby?
  Getting blood on your clown suit.

Really stupid stuff to do (muahahahah ideas)
Things To Do In An Elavator
1. Make racecar noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm..... tasty!"
21. Meow occasionally.
22. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
23. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
25. Sing "Mary had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
26. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
27. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
28. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!!



Deep Thoughts

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.




Rules of Life


1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right >about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Follow these rules to maintain your sanity:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses
on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name,
Rock Hard Devon.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

words to know
Glomps: V. NOT SEXUAL! It is the act of a person lovingly, and dramatically, attacking a person with a loving hug.


MURR:A general sound of contentment. Made by extremely happy people. Just to show the happiness. Drawn from the french word for blackberries, "Mûres", because blackberries ARE happiness.


Myuu: Term of endearment, embarrassmnent, or contentment.


Chu: My term for yes, or a sound made to denote disappointment.


Pugyuu: Sound made to denotes curiousity or confusion.


Blargh:The opposite of ping. An exclamation
 indicating that one has absorbed or is emitting a quantum of
 unhappiness.

Pwn:To be "owned" in the gaming world is to be miserably defeated by an opponent or an opposing team. However, the term "pwned" is usually used when the loser is humiliated in a fair competition.

Epic Fail:An utter, total failure.

Quotes

"I am Caboose, the Vehicle Destroyer!"~caboose

"My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I hate babies!"~caboose

"That's not a target. That's Church."~caboose

"That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!" ~caboose

"I like me."~caboose

"Oh man, that’s not good. Oh my god that jeep has a really big gun!"~caboose

"Sheila, come back to me... I baked you a muffin!"~caboose

"Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts!" ~caboose

"Rest in peace pinky toe. YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!"~caboose

"That window is square and my head is round. I don't think it will fit."~caboose

"I see a room. Inside it are some walls and some ceilings. Oh wait, only one ceiling."~caboose

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."~James dean

"Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still."~Lou Erickso

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."~Winston Churchill

" Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."~Anonymous

" Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway."~Steven Coallier

"Dont cry tears for him, if he wouldnt cry them for you"~anonymous

"if hearts are so strong why1do they break so easily?"~anonymous

"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."~Ingrid Bergmen

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."~Margaret Anderson

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb."~Robert Browning

"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."~Mirabeau

"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."~Chamfort

"It’s quite ironic that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness.."~anonymous

"What’s the point in ever trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable."~anonymous

"1 heartbreak. 2 eyes crying. 3 words never said again. 4 hands that won't be held. 5 mornings i'll pass him in the halls. 6 love notes ripped and torn. 7 days a week you'll think of him. 8 sad songs at night before you go to sleep. 9 wishes that never came true. 10 years before he realizes that it has always been you."~anonymous

"mathematically loving someone is not as easy as simple algebra. you have to love infinitely without limits. but learning to let go someone you love is harder. because the cure cannot be derived and simply does not exist."~anonymous

"Everywhere I look, I see the thing I hate the most. The thing that makes people smile, but that same thing makes me cry. The thing called love..."~anonymous

"I'm Hurt In Your Absence...
and you're Hurt In My Presence..."~anonymous

"I am only as invisible as you make me feel..."~anonymous

"Art is never finished, only abandoned."~Leonardo da Vinci

"In a mad world, only the mad are sane."~akira kurosawa

"Man is a genius when he is dreaming."~akira kurosawa

"There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love"~johnny depp

"May the wind always be on your back and the sun upon your face and may the winds of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars."~johnny depp

"I would do anything Tim [Burton] wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it."~johnny depp

"With any part you play, there is a certain amount of yourself in it. There has to be, otherwise it's just not acting. It's lying."~johnny depp

"They stick you with those names, those labels -- ‘rebel’ or whatever; whatever they like to use. Because they need a label; they need a name. They need something to put the price tag on the back of."~johnny depp

"When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit."~johnny depp

"Me, I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for..."~Johnny depp

"My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story"~johnny depp
"Good morning starshine, the Earth says hello!"~willy woka
"You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow"~jack sparrow
"I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face."~johnny depp


who is jack shitt

Who is Jack Shit?

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them Missing: </i>