For [Annie]'s 415.Books in Progress.Untitled Novel.Chapter 1 and Storyshop





Overall Impressions

I feel like you've made an attempt to set the tone for this story, and on an emotional level you've succeeded. We know a bit about Adriana, and a bit about her situation. We have the makings of a conflict.

Technical stuff

Many of the sentences felt rushed. Their shortness moves the pace along awfully quickly (it really didn't feel like 3000 some odd words), which is fine but may result in problems down the line. If you have a scene full of explication, you may want to lengthen some sentences and slow down the pace; save the rushing for action-oriented scenes.

As far as your verbiage went, I thought the language worked fine in general. There were some issues, though, and I'll let the first paragraph just be the example..

"1. The tears on her cheeks made her feel like a child. She clenched the handle of her suitcase and stared at a car that 2. was disappearing over a distant hill. Adriana’s mother 3. was in that car. She wanted to watch it as long as she could. She soaked in the tall, rolling grass with its golden-green hue, the puff of dust that billowed up behind the car and never seemed to resettle, and the 4. dark blue mountains in the background."

1. It's not really a rule, but it's considered preferable to show us how a character feels instead of telling us. It's something to think about, not necessarily something I can just say "do it this way".

2. Passive verb: was (disappearing). Use a stronger expression? "stared at a car thundering away." ?

3. Passive verb: was (in). "Adriana's mother drove that car."?

4. After the previous strong verbs, this part of the sentence doesn't have one at all. The mountains... what? Looming in? Squatting in? It feels weak after the strong verbs before it.

Story Thoughts

This piece does tug at the emotional strings, and sets the reader wondering what's actually going on with Adriana. However, it's almost nothing but solid blocks of explication. Without some action in the first chapter, I wasn't hooked. Adriana apparently has a mother complex and hears voices, but knowing that didn't make me want to know what would happen next. Many of the events that are described by the narrator might be better fleshed out through flashbacks, and many of the details of the house could be spread out and hinted at instead of listed.

Give us a scene to start your story. Hook the reader. Something's happening, and we need to get a taste so we'll want to read the rest. Start in media res!