I feel like a teenager again. In other words, I feel like everybody is ugly, and I'll always be stuck in my dump of a situation no matter what I do. It also means that I don't feel like reading or writing.
Last time I was a teenager, I tried to read fantasy, but I had a bad experience with Terry Goodkind. And then there was homework and social dilemmas and uninspiring people and unsavoury hormones. From the middle or Grade 9 all the way to Grade 12, I read little besides what I'd already read in my childhood, and what I was made to read. Then suddenly... I saw Booth Tarkington's The Magnificent Ambersons in the bathroom. I read that quickly enough, and all of a sudden I was reading again.
Well, as a Deputy Boss of Writersco, and a volunteer at Wynterblue Publishing, I think it would be destructive and downright stupid to take three years off this time.
Maybe my body will get used to the hormone patch and I'll be rosy again. Maybe I'll even find a polite way of telling my coworkers to quit griping about how much they hate their job and how inconvenient the schedule is for them (as if it's perfect for everyone else), so that I may continue to find fulfillment in what I do to maintain my country's economy. Maybe the increase in sunlight will fix everything.
Oh, I'll figure it out.
My muffins are better than Tim Hortons muffins or Coffee Time muffins or Country Style muffins, because my muffins contain nothing but flour and sugar and eggs and bananas and milk and salt and carbonated sodium and margarine; and they're lovingly stirred with a piece of wood and glopped into metal cups with the assistance of fingers and tossed into a 2-rack oven and left alone until they're fluffy; and then at least two are eaten right out of the oven before waiting for them to cool; and they're never wrapped in plastic or displayed in windows or handled by disoriented minions who are being cheated out of benefits. My muffins are the best muffins in the world!
Old Nerdy Music
Clayton has a very old CD. Remember those CDs from the early '90s, when it was still a relatively new technology (at least around here)? The cover booklet isn't even a booklet. It's just one double-sided sheet; there's a photo on the outside and a small caption about inspiration and culture on the inside. There isn't a lot of art stamped on the CD either.
We're lucky it didn't get thrown in the garbage years ago. Heck, we're lucky that when it was ripped, it was with Vorbis technology instead of Mp3. That is, I found it in Clayton's bedroom back in Huntsville, and of course had to borrow this one instead of Symphony and Metallica or REM.
Watazumi Doso's The Art of the Japanese Bamboo Flute is a real novelty in that it predates the time when Japanese culture grew to be a form of North American pop culture. Just for its time of publication, this has got to be one of the nerdiest things I've ever listened to. Not that the act of listening to Japanese music is nerdy, but this record's time of publication is.
I'll say, Clayton one-upped me when he got this album however many years ago. But hey, he is a little older. Besides, he would have been a little freer than I was at the same age.
The Incredible Kidda Band
I was going to write about my goals and dreams. Instead, I'm going to write about the Kidda Band. No, it's not my band. It's a band I have just discovered whilst curiously wondering how easily I could find myself on Google. I'm lucky in two ways:
1. I'm lucky that my name is [Kiddalee] and not Kidda, if only to keep people from mixing us up and thinking I've named myself after them (actually, Kidda is an affectionate jazz-slang nickname in the oldest usage I know of it).
2. I'm lucky that at first sight, these musicians don't appear to be too bad. Formed in 1977 to write British punk and power-pop, eh? Well I must say I respect old British punk. Now even if people do think I named myself after them, they won't as likely look down on my tastes as they would if I'd called myself something like... oh, I don't know... SUM41LVRmwah_l
Try this: http://www.kid
I had a good Christmas. This has got to be my first good Christmas in years. For me, good Christmases are just not common enough. Christmas is when you have to pretend to like a bunch of people you don't know, and buy people things you know they don't want, because of course it is such a terrible thing to buy presents for people whenever you actually ~see~ something they want. Christmas is political. You'd better invite all the right relatives and spend money on all the required people. Why? I don't know why, but you'd better. Christmas is when your bedroom, which you already don't feel like is yours because of the amount of people who don't let you take ownership of it, and then wonder why you never feel like tidying up in there, becomes full of even more stuff that you wish you could just smack the giver with but have been raised to lie about and leave sitting around where you might rather store something you care for, if only your room was yours enough for you to care about anything in there. Christmas is when you're stuck at home with nothing to do and noone good to see for so long that you want to kill yourself in January and February. Christmas is when you're sent home from school for so long you feel like you've forgotten how to read when you come back (and don't ask me why the high schools hold exams so soon after Christmas).
This year, I didn't go to school, and I didn't go home. I'm working this year, and I went to Clayton's parents' house. Clayton's parents let me and Clayton sleep together and don't mind that I haven't anything to give them and give me presents even though I don't want anything and some are surprisingly good presents for a bunch of people who can't see me much. MJ is a fussy mom and a fussier hostess. That I can humour her is a blow to anybody who thinks they know how angry I should be at my own family. The clincher is that MJ doesn't treat me like a worm. Brian watches stupid shows on TV, but he knows they're stupid, and at least they're entertaining. Seth is awesome. And Clayton is my lover.
The house is restful. I napped for three days when I got there. This made it a little tough for me to deal with shopping on Christmas Eve (being without crowds for long enough makes me socially anxious), so Clayton bought me something I didn't like and replaced it with something I loved on Boxing Day. That's right. Clayton bought me my presents with me there. That's the way to do it. I bought Clayton his present by accident. I was in a natural health store for me and found a Nu-Medicine headache remedy. I thought, "Hey, that would be cool to get for Clayton... oh, crap, it's Christmas." So to me it is just a present, but to Clayton it can be a Christmas present if he'd like it to be. Oh, and by the way, the remedy works.
I love Clayton.
Gift Shopping Online
I should never shop for gifts online. There is too much to choose from. I get bogged down by the plethora of choices and then feel like a worthless creep because I can't figure out whether the potential recipient will really like whatever choice I make.
Falsely Vegetarian Supper
A hot, healthy dish that doesn't take lots of skill. I guess it would be healthier if I'd added vegetables, though.
Leftover White Rice
Dry Onion Soup Mix
Frying Pan (I prefer teflon)
Your favourite Cooking Utensil
Heat enough oil to prevent sticking/burni
Throw the rice and chickpeas in the frying pan and mix them up until they're evenly distributed. I recommend about half as much chickpeas as rice. To me it just seems more balanced that way. Isn't that an amino acid thing, too? Don't drain the chickpeas, you waster. The chickpea water serves as part of your water, and it has taste in it.
Thow in enough onion soup mix to make everything taste good and turn brown. Add enough water so that as it boils, the onions will be softened. Water also dissolves the powder and makes the rice and chickpeas absorb it.
Cook on high, stirring constantly, until most of the water has gone.
It would be vegetarian, but the onion soup mix has lots of cow. I wonder how vegetable soup mix would taste.
The polling station was within walking distance from my house.
I find it narrow minded to claim that all of the new Green Party voters have only switched over not because they believe in what the Green Party has to give our province, but because they're angry at the major parties and want to send a message. It is an insult to the Green Party, who have been working hard to grow since day one. It is an insult to democracy to believe that anybody but the big guys will ever have a chance at being effective. We may not imprison those who try to start opposition parties, but refusing to take them seriously just because voters take time to change from what they though were their only choices, is possibly as effective a deterrent to positive change. At least countries who imprison their political opposers get reprimanded for it, and asked to change.
That said, I don't see why Green and Green voters should need electoral reform to gain a seat. One Green candidate told the media, "We should be able to show that yes, we can get elected in a riding." After all, that would be a real accomplishment
Many people would like to vote for the Green party, but are afraid to take precious votes away from the Liberals that could be vital in helping them beat the Conservatives. If they see that somebody is voting for Green, they could see that Green may have a chance, after all, and begin to follow suit. This gives Green even more votes for yet more voters to notice, and a cycle leading to growth continues.
Which leads me to realize that my vote isn't worthless even in a First Past The Post system.
Only half of everybody showed up to vote! Folks are wondering if it's that people don't care enough, or if people feel unworthy to vote because they haven't educated themselves.
Well, I wasn't apathetic about my exams, but let's just say that I was ~more~ apathetic about my exams than about making sure I wouldn't have to go back to my parents' house after they were done. It's true that some potential voters just didn't make time in the weeks when they could have gone to advanced polls (bad!). Just don't forget to consider the people who wanted to make a difference, but were preoccupied with things like working three jobs every day, and then feeding the kids, or trying to find someone to drive them to the polling station with a Depends bag in the back seat, or recovering from sexual trauma, or protecting the kids from Daddy. Less serious problems would be mine: I can't afford even a bus fee in the case that my polling station were further away, because I would rather "let others speak for me" one last time, than have to go back to my parents' house. Or Clayton's: not only is he a full time student, but his inconsiderate boss kept giving him up to 30 hours of work a week when he asked for no more than 15. He doesn't even have time to eat, much less vote.
This isn't a trendy issue in Ontario, and it could be a laughable endeavor to attempt to find anybody asking about those too distraught and bewildered to vote, in any major media in this province.
I used to think that all we have to do is wait for the old conservative people to die, and then some of the new liberal people will finally have the majority. Now, I haven't, since meeting a lot of peers who continue to look down on others. They even blame those who have never had the resources to succeed for their own lack of success. Success depends on how you play your cards, but if the other guy has bullets and you have a 2/7 hand, you're not going to win anyways.
What do I do? Move to Sweden? Nah, it's not terrible here. I'm sure I'll find some way to improve this place.
It rained yesterday, and that is why I read another kids' book instead of more of [dmeredith]'s novel. The Japantasy is stored on my computer, and it would be frivolous to keep printing out every fifty pages, while I still need a job.
My appointment at the employment centre is on Wednesday, not Friday. This is good.
Wednesday is also the day of Ontario's provincial election, and referendum. My vote won't make a difference in the election, because Ontarian voters are irresponsible and don't have time to research their parties, so they just choose the party that has the biggest chance of muscling out the party that has gotten the most bad press lately. However, my vote in the referendum will matter. This is because not only do the ridings decide on the referendum (if this were the only factor, then if you disagree with you're riding, you're screwed), but also the overall percentage throughout the province. So while my vote is only worth half a vote, at least for once it's worth something.
The referendum is about whether we should change our electoral system. Right now we are using first past the post. The province is split into ridings, with a party representative in each. The party with the most ridings won forms a government.
This means that if ten percent of people in each riding vote for the NDP, the NDP gets 0 seats instead of ten percent of the seats. Since the NDP represent the rights of people who are often too afraid, busy, tired, or senile to vote, they have a tough friggin fight, especially in a province that favours low taxes over decent social services. This province believes that poor people are all lazy. Also despite being stupid, they are somehow smart enough to know how to abuse the system. Right. Because any high school dropout can commit white collar crime.
The proposed system is Mixed Member Proportional. I think it's a big improvement over FPtP. The province will be split into fewer ridings, so that some of the seats can be devoted to party votes instead of ridings. Not only do you get to vote for your riding representative
This does not mean that you'll have to worry about fringe and special interest parties taking over, as they might if representation was completely proportional. A fringe party that gets ten percent of the party votes will only get ten percent of the party seats, and none of the riding seats. This is tiny. It's just big enough that for once they'll have a chance to grow if they really are worth something.
Mixed Member Proportional representation means that you don't have to worry about voting for an arse just because the other guy's leader is a bigger arse. You can actually vote for who you want. The Northerners, however, are sick and tired of being ignored, and expanding their ridings will just worsen things.
Now that I've thought about this, maybe I should vote against it after all. I would love it, compared to what I am dealing with already. But most Ontarians are too busy and apathetic to be trusted with two election votes. Those who will use them properly are a select few.
After considering that for once my vote will matter, at least in the referendum, I have thought of another possibility. It's similar. What if I get only one vote, and while it may not win my riding, it can at least count towards a province-wide calculation? If the seats are split as they would be with MMP, there would still be the problem of underrepresent
Wednesday, I will have gotten out of the house. Barely having enough money even for bus fees means that I am less likely to vote. But since I'll already be out of the house, maybe I should look into it. Not to mention that if my vote doesn't matter in the election, at least it will in the referendum. That's a little more incentive.
Why I Have Been Sick
A blog entry for mature people
Now, what happened to my job is this:
On Friday, September 21, the guy at Kristella's bakery said I was hired, but he would have to hear from lawers about when he was moving, before deciding when to actually take me on.
Because I expected to hear from him on Thursday the 27, I called him on Friday morning. He told me he'd know more Monday. I called him on Monday morning, not realizing that he meant late Monday. So, on Monday, October 1, I learned that the mall (his landlord) had been cheating him. They'd promised him a bigger space, and that is when he put the job ad out. Then they backed out, and he decided to move his store out of there instead of removing the job ad. However, by Monday, October 1, he realized that he ought to wait on his lawers and see if he could still get any compensation from the mall or something before moving.
Because I had just spent that week recovering from a month of financial uncertainty, and running around chanting, "I'm gonna be a baker!" I was naturally stricken with a case of pathetic hopelessness. I was unable to enjoy sex and became suicidal. I couldn't do WritersCo stuff, either. On Tuesday, the baker told me that he didn't know know many months he would be waiting for his stinking lawers, and maybe I should figure something else out.
On Wednesday, I washed my hair and wrote a job application to Tim Horton's. On Thursday, some lady practically made me come do an odd job for her motel and tried to overpay me, just as I had turned in my application. On Friday, I had my job interview, then I slept for 4 hours and read a book for 4 more instead of calling the employment centre, because I am pathetic and hopeless.
Today, I am finally doing laundry, as I literally have nothing to wear. I was supposed to do laundry a week ago. I might have washed my hair, today, if I hadn't been waiting so long on the dryer. Washing my hair takes an hour, and I'm leaving this house in just over an hour, so I wonder if I'd be cutting it too close, now. I could have beat Pierrette to the laundry room, but I was really horny, so I masturbated and fell asleep instead of having breakfast. Because I am pathetic and hopeless, the orgasm wasn't that great and I almost did it again when I woke up, like I used to do when I was self-medicatin
Alright. I feel absolutely weak and useless. I don't really want to be out of bed. I don't care to keep clean. I can't feel hunger.
I want a job.
Alright, my boss is ticking me off. But, he's my boss...
I hope by Monday he'll know what my hours are. If he doesn't, or if it won't be for a while, I'll be living on odd jobs and some savings until I get started with him.
By the way, I've started a story outline. I'm not sure what to make happen. Maybe I should flesh out the characters more so I can see how they'll lead it.
I'm gonna be a baker. 40-44 early morning hours per week, learning how to bake for six weeks. If the owner likes me enough, I could start an apprenticeship
I need to find a ride in the early morning. As long as I live with Pierrette, I can barely afford to cab it every day. I'll have to leave in May, though. Besides, for cripe's sake, barely affording things is not that great.
I'm on vacation. I'm even weaned off of Wynterblue. Bad, Vicki. Bad. But it sure feels nice to be able to do nothing all day, when you're not used to it. Maybe I'll go pick up some odd jobs while I wait for my schedule. I hope the boss knows by Monday morning what is going on. Then, we'll have to take a couple of weeks getting legal stuff dealt with for my subsidy. I will need those odd jobs.
But I'll start by cleaning my room, and rearranging my furniture, and taking showers, and doing laundry, and reading books that I have been halfway through for an entire summer, and writing, and maybe even submitting.
Now that I have been online for longer than I'm used to, it doesn't make me feel that good, so I will go do all those things.
This Is Why Poor People Don't Seem To Care About Their Community
I need a job. I need to use my time looking for a job. Therefore, I am not going back to help Wynterblue until I have a job.
I don't want to leave Karin and I don't want to not be there and I don't want her to think I don't care and I want to do something cool like this and I want to do something so ~me~. I especially don't want Karin to feel like I'm leaving her.
Well, anyways, http://jobbank
(and mild swearing)
You know what Jesus is? God. God who saved me, got rid of the old me, made me a new me, and came inside me. It's God who wants to be inside everyone, if they'll believe who Jesus Christ is, and what He did. It's God who is already inside a whole whack of people, whether I know it or not.
So you'd better be careful who you disrespect, because when you disrespect somebody, you could be hurting GOD. If you disrespect yourself, and God is in you, you can be sure you're hurting God. So you'd better be the best you that you can be, or God will get you.
I would like to confess that Vicki is not being Vicki, Vicki has rarely been Vicki, and Vicki has not ever taken the time to learn how to be Vicki. First, Vicki was the failed boy, then the postpartum depression, then the one who wouldn't shut up, then the wierdo, then the little brat, then ugly, then the class reject, then the little bitch, then inferior enough for it to be okay to mistreat her, then lazy, then delinquent, then undisciplined, then a failure, then a slut, then antisocial, then depressed, then psychotic, then overlooked, then gone. Vicki was gone for over two years. Then Vicki came back for a few months in order to find the resources to be gone for good.
Vicki took ten thousand dollars with her, and "wasted" three. To be honest, it was worth every lost penny not to have to ever go back again. Now, Vicki is allowed to just be Vicki. But Vicki has never been Vicki before. Vicki has truly been inferior to humanity, and now cannot for the life of her be a full-fledged human. So Vicki tells herself what Vicki is, and still doesn't do what Vicki does, and goes to bed feeling like her day has been a waste. Vicki is still not Vicki. Vicki is a cleaner, a veger, a TV-watcher, and a sulker.
The only time that Vicki has ever gotten to be Vicki is when Vicki is Jesus.
Alright, well, the writing an hour a day thing seems to be working out pretty well. Today I wrote some lyrics that I had been making up in my head at work. I also wrote some of a story that has been in my head for a while. The only problem is, I don't know how to make it into an actual story. I have characters, I have an intro, and I have something of a society. But aside from social commentary, I have nothing for these people to do. I suppose I could keep on figuring out how their society works, and then see if something comes up.
Oh, and I've finally read more of [dmeredith]'s novel. It's a great book. He really didn't deserve the lull in my reading. I've even reviewed what I read today.
All in all, this feels pretty good. I ought to be doing things that I am in love with, if I want to be mentally healthy.
Blah. This is a sucky day. Today makes me feel like giving up on being a writer.
Giving up feels good. No, really. Giving up means that you don't have to be scared of failure any more, because you've already failed. Succeeding isn't really all that rewarding. What do you succeed for? To get other people to say you've succeeded.
Don't believe me. It's just mental programming. I'll get over it eventually.
But I want to be a good Wife and a good Mommy and in order to do that I have to stop giving up. I know that I won't be those things just so my family can say I'm a good Wife and Mommy. I have to be those things so my family will have the strength to be grown-ups, before they have a chance to sap other peoples' strength.
Since I don't want to give up at being a Wife and Mommy, I should learn not to give up at other things that are easier, and then work my way up to harder things. Since I'm guessing that giving up on writing will be a regret of mine, what with my having built much of my childhood dreams around it, I think I should keep writing.
I'm going to write up to one hour, in creative work and journal entries, every day. An hour is a long time to be writing, but at least it isn't a huge chunk of the day. I wonder if it would work better if I split the hour into staggered portions throughout the day, or if I just did the whole thing at once. Well, it would be easier to count a whole hour if I did it all at once, near an easily accessible clock.
I should read an hour a day, too. Hey, it's not like I'm working a lot of hours. This whole plan might need to be altered if my next job is full time, but some jobs I'm looking at are part time. At least this way I'll get some things read. Poor [dmeredith]. Poor CS Lewis. Poor me.
Maybe if I keep really reading and writing, I won't have to be scared that I'll never get anywhere with it any more.
The jobs I'm looking at are a full time Assistant Baker with the possibility of entering into an apprenticeship
Since I suck at time management, I think I should work at Curves. But the bakery job is creative, and somewhat active, and if I don't get to go to Curves, I think I would enjoy baking. If I like it enough, I could make a career out of it. But then I might want to give up at being a writer.
Well, I just want to pay my bills, so I don't have to return to my parents' house, ever again. I want to know I will be able to pay my bills, because I don't want to be scared any more.
All of my coworkers at my current job quit, because they think it's okay to be rude at a minimum wage job. The bosses are nice, and understanding. It's not like it's a bad job, just a socially disdained one. No, not whoring. Cleaning. And we don't even get trashy people in that motel!
Well, I want to be able to list my bosses as references, thanks. Furthermore, I don't want to leave them out to dry while they wait for business to finish slowing down. After all, I've had to pick up the slack of all my coworkers who quit, and if I leave before things have slowed down enough, my bosses will be screwed. They have a friend that they can ask to help, but she can't do smoking rooms.
Some days, I've had to take unusually long shifts in order to pick up my coworkers' slack. I'm worried that if I say I can start a new job immediately, I won't be able to predict which hours to start with. So I've been saying "September 26". I don't want to work a seasonal job like this again. I don't want to be scared any more.
I want to surprise Karin with a query letter. I want to submit some poems to Wyn Lit. However, I'm guessing that I first have to decide which poems to submit this time. I like a lot of my poems, but there isn't room for all the ones I'm willing to submit in one mag. Maybe if I submit them all, she'll stagger them between a few issues. That might be dumb, though, if she wants first printing rights on anything she accepts, and then takes a while (though as I understand, Wyn Lit's wait times are relatively short) to print them. I hope she likes them, even the rude ones.
I'm 21, and I'm not done growing physically. I know this because my menstrual cycle has become milder, and my figure more curvy - and not due to weight gain - only since the beginning of the year. In fact, the visible changes only began around April or May. Even my singing voice seems to be changing.
Even though I was low this morning, I'm feeling better now. By the way, I cleaned all my rooms on time today!
The kitty is napping in my messy room because it is nice and dark.
I think I'm in a low. I can't be PMSing yet (I might just be entering my fertile week). I want to cry but I'm not sure if I can. I am sad and comfort-eating and I'm not sure why. I have few people to confide in. Those I do have are so few that they don't have all the time I need to sort it out (I answer my own questions better after having asked someone). Either that or they're not versatile enough.
I want to talk to Clayton, and he's gone for a couple of days. We left on a low note. I told him two of the three things I wanted to tell him, and then his parents picked him up. And I do hope that the third thing I want to tell him isn't bull. I want to wait until he comes back and tell him in person.
I did not know that Karin would want to turn the ad I designed into a logo. This does mean that a lot of my picture will have to be removed, as it is too busy for shrinking or split-second impressions. That's alright. She also wants to make the slogan I wrote for it into Wynterblue's slogan. I'll tell you once it's been published.
Come to think of it, it does bug me a little that we don't get to use the whole thing. But I don't think Karin currently has time to run more than one ad, so she'll need one that can fill multiple purposes.
No volunteering this week. Karin's on vacation.
My landlady's back. Time to get used to her again. At least she's really smart and kind.