[Kiddalee]'s blog

1782  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-11
Written: (5424 days ago)

Little Parties

The polling station was within walking distance from my house.
  I find it narrow minded to claim that all of the new Green Party voters have only switched over not because they believe in what the Green Party has to give our province, but because they're angry at the major parties and want to send a message. It is an insult to the Green Party, who have been working hard to grow since day one. It is an insult to democracy to believe that anybody but the big guys will ever have a chance at being effective. We may not imprison those who try to start opposition parties, but refusing to take them seriously just because voters take time to change from what they though were their only choices, is possibly as effective a deterrent to positive change. At least countries who imprison their political opposers get reprimanded for it, and asked to change.
  That said, I don't see why Green and Green voters should need electoral reform to gain a seat. One Green candidate told the media, "We should be able to show that yes, we can get elected in a riding." After all, that would be a real accomplishment. Anyone can get a percentage. No, they do not need us to switch to Mixed Member Proportional Representation, just because it would make their period of infancy shorter. If people refuse to vote Green simply because they think it won't win anyways, it follows that the more votes Green earns, the more votes it has access to.
  Many people would like to vote for the Green party, but are afraid to take precious votes away from the Liberals that could be vital in helping them beat the Conservatives. If they see that somebody is voting for Green, they could see that Green may have a chance, after all, and begin to follow suit. This gives Green even more votes for yet more voters to notice, and a cycle leading to growth continues.
  Which leads me to realize that my vote isn't worthless even in a First Past The Post system.


Only half of everybody showed up to vote! Folks are wondering if it's that people don't care enough, or if people feel unworthy to vote because they haven't educated themselves.
  Well, I wasn't apathetic about my exams, but let's just say that I was ~more~ apathetic about my exams than about making sure I wouldn't have to go back to my parents' house after they were done. It's true that some potential voters just didn't make time in the weeks when they could have gone to advanced polls (bad!). Just don't forget to consider the people who wanted to make a difference, but were preoccupied with things like working three jobs every day, and then feeding the kids, or trying to find someone to drive them to the polling station with a Depends bag in the back seat, or recovering from sexual trauma, or protecting the kids from Daddy. Less serious problems would be mine: I can't afford even a bus fee in the case that my polling station were further away, because I would rather "let others speak for me" one last time, than have to go back to my parents' house. Or Clayton's: not only is he a full time student, but his inconsiderate boss kept giving him up to 30 hours of work a week when he asked for no more than 15. He doesn't even have time to eat, much less vote.
  This isn't a trendy issue in Ontario, and it could be a laughable endeavor to attempt to find anybody asking about those too distraught and bewildered to vote, in any major media in this province.
  I used to think that all we have to do is wait for the old conservative people to die, and then some of the new liberal people will finally have the majority. Now, I haven't, since meeting a lot of peers who continue to look down on others. They even blame those who have never had the resources to succeed for their own lack of success. Success depends on how you play your cards, but if the other guy has bullets and you have a 2/7 hand, you're not going to win anyways.
  What do I do? Move to Sweden? Nah, it's not terrible here. I'm sure I'll find some way to improve this place.

1781  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-08
Written: (5427 days ago)

Ontario Politics

It rained yesterday, and that is why I read another kids' book instead of more of [dmeredith]'s novel. The Japantasy is stored on my computer, and it would be frivolous to keep printing out every fifty pages, while I still need a job.
  My appointment at the employment centre is on Wednesday, not Friday. This is good.

  Wednesday is also the day of Ontario's provincial election, and referendum. My vote won't make a difference in the election, because Ontarian voters are irresponsible and don't have time to research their parties, so they just choose the party that has the biggest chance of muscling out the party that has gotten the most bad press lately. However, my vote in the referendum will matter. This is because not only do the ridings decide on the referendum (if this were the only factor, then if you disagree with you're riding, you're screwed), but also the overall percentage throughout the province. So while my vote is only worth half a vote, at least for once it's worth something.
  The referendum is about whether we should change our electoral system. Right now we are using first past the post. The province is split into ridings, with a party representative in each. The party with the most ridings won forms a government.
  This means that if ten percent of people in each riding vote for the NDP, the NDP gets 0 seats instead of ten percent of the seats. Since the NDP represent the rights of people who are often too afraid, busy, tired, or senile to vote, they have a tough friggin fight, especially in a province that favours low taxes over decent social services. This province believes that poor people are all lazy. Also despite being stupid, they are somehow smart enough to know how to abuse the system. Right. Because any high school dropout can commit white collar crime.
  The proposed system is Mixed Member Proportional. I think it's a big improvement over FPtP. The province will be split into fewer ridings, so that some of the seats can be devoted to party votes instead of ridings. Not only do you get to vote for your riding representative, but you also get a separate vote for your favourite party. Since Northern Ontario has a low population, we already don't get enough ridings. But, at least this way the less muscly parties will have a fighting chance.
  This does not mean that you'll have to worry about fringe and special interest parties taking over, as they might if representation was completely proportional. A fringe party that gets ten percent of the party votes will only get ten percent of the party seats, and none of the riding seats. This is tiny. It's just big enough that for once they'll have a chance to grow if they really are worth something.
  Mixed Member Proportional representation means that you don't have to worry about voting for an arse just because the other guy's leader is a bigger arse. You can actually vote for who you want. The Northerners, however, are sick and tired of being ignored, and expanding their ridings will just worsen things.
  Now that I've thought about this, maybe I should vote against it after all. I would love it, compared to what I am dealing with already. But most Ontarians are too busy and apathetic to be trusted with two election votes. Those who will use them properly are a select few.
  After considering that for once my vote will matter, at least in the referendum, I have thought of another possibility. It's similar. What if I get only one vote, and while it may not win my riding, it can at least count towards a province-wide calculation? If the seats are split as they would be with MMP, there would still be the problem of underrepresentation in the North. So maybe it has to be rather complicated, with riding votes compared against province-wide votes or something. Because I don't write multiple drafts of blog entries, I'm not sure if what I'm considering is even doable, much less a good idea. It is certainly incomplete.
  Wednesday, I will have gotten out of the house. Barely having enough money even for bus fees means that I am less likely to vote. But since I'll already be out of the house, maybe I should look into it. Not to mention that if my vote doesn't matter in the election, at least it will in the referendum. That's a little more incentive.

1779  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-10-06
Written: (5429 days ago)

Why I Have Been Sick
A blog entry for mature people

Now, what happened to my job is this:
  On Friday, September 21, the guy at Kristella's bakery said I was hired, but he would have to hear from lawers about when he was moving, before deciding when to actually take me on.
  Because I expected to hear from him on Thursday the 27, I called him on Friday morning. He told me he'd know more Monday. I called him on Monday morning, not realizing that he meant late Monday. So, on Monday, October 1, I learned that the mall (his landlord) had been cheating him. They'd promised him a bigger space, and that is when he put the job ad out. Then they backed out, and he decided to move his store out of there instead of removing the job ad. However, by Monday, October 1, he realized that he ought to wait on his lawers and see if he could still get any compensation from the mall or something before moving.
  Because I had just spent that week recovering from a month of financial uncertainty, and running around chanting, "I'm gonna be a baker!" I was naturally stricken with a case of pathetic hopelessness. I was unable to enjoy sex and became suicidal. I couldn't do WritersCo stuff, either. On Tuesday, the baker told me that he didn't know know many months he would be waiting for his stinking lawers, and maybe I should figure something else out.
  On Wednesday, I washed my hair and wrote a job application to Tim Horton's. On Thursday, some lady practically made me come do an odd job for her motel and tried to overpay me, just as I had turned in my application. On Friday, I had my job interview, then I slept for 4 hours and read a book for 4 more instead of calling the employment centre, because I am pathetic and hopeless.
  Today, I am finally doing laundry, as I literally have nothing to wear. I was supposed to do laundry a week ago. I might have washed my hair, today, if I hadn't been waiting so long on the dryer. Washing my hair takes an hour, and I'm leaving this house in just over an hour, so I wonder if I'd be cutting it too close, now. I could have beat Pierrette to the laundry room, but I was really horny, so I masturbated and fell asleep instead of having breakfast. Because I am pathetic and hopeless, the orgasm wasn't that great and I almost did it again when I woke up, like I used to do when I was self-medicating. Luckily, I have somewhere to be, today.

1777  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-01
Written: (5434 days ago)


Alright. I feel absolutely weak and useless. I don't really want to be out of bed. I don't care to keep clean. I can't feel hunger.

I want a job.

1773  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-09-29
Written: (5436 days ago)


Alright, my boss is ticking me off. But, he's my boss...

I hope by Monday he'll know what my hours are. If he doesn't, or if it won't be for a while, I'll be living on odd jobs and some savings until I get started with him.

By the way, I've started a story outline. I'm not sure what to make happen. Maybe I should flesh out the characters more so I can see how they'll lead it.

1772  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-09-28
Written: (5437 days ago)


I'm gonna be a baker. 40-44 early morning hours per week, learning how to bake for six weeks. If the owner likes me enough, I could start an apprenticeship. If the owner likes me less than that, he still might (make that probably) like me enough to keep me on.
  I need to find a ride in the early morning. As long as I live with Pierrette, I can barely afford to cab it every day. I'll have to leave in May, though. Besides, for cripe's sake, barely affording things is not that great.
  I'm on vacation. I'm even weaned off of Wynterblue. Bad, Vicki. Bad. But it sure feels nice to be able to do nothing all day, when you're not used to it. Maybe I'll go pick up some odd jobs while I wait for my schedule. I hope the boss knows by Monday morning what is going on. Then, we'll have to take a couple of weeks getting legal stuff dealt with for my subsidy. I will need those odd jobs.
  But I'll start by cleaning my room, and rearranging my furniture, and taking showers, and doing laundry, and reading books that I have been halfway through for an entire summer, and writing, and maybe even submitting.
  Now that I have been online for longer than I'm used to, it doesn't make me feel that good, so I will go do all those things.

1769  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-09-19
Written: (5445 days ago)

This Is Why Poor People Don't Seem To Care About Their Community

  I need a job. I need to use my time looking for a job. Therefore, I am not going back to help Wynterblue until I have a job.
  Which sucks.
  I don't want to leave Karin and I don't want to not be there and I don't want her to think I don't care and I want to do something cool like this and I want to do something so ~me~. I especially don't want Karin to feel like I'm leaving her.
  Well, anyways, http://jobbank.gc.ca is yeilding some decent results.

1766  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-09-15
Written: (5450 days ago)

(and mild swearing)

  You know what Jesus is? God. God who saved me, got rid of the old me, made me a new me, and came inside me. It's God who wants to be inside everyone, if they'll believe who Jesus Christ is, and what He did. It's God who is already inside a whole whack of people, whether I know it or not.
  So you'd better be careful who you disrespect, because when you disrespect somebody, you could be hurting GOD. If you disrespect yourself, and God is in you, you can be sure you're hurting God. So you'd better be the best you that you can be, or God will get you.

  I would like to confess that Vicki is not being Vicki, Vicki has rarely been Vicki, and Vicki has not ever taken the time to learn how to be Vicki. First, Vicki was the failed boy, then the postpartum depression, then the one who wouldn't shut up, then the wierdo, then the little brat, then ugly, then the class reject, then the little bitch, then inferior enough for it to be okay to mistreat her, then lazy, then delinquent, then undisciplined, then a failure, then a slut, then antisocial, then depressed, then psychotic, then overlooked, then gone. Vicki was gone for over two years. Then Vicki came back for a few months in order to find the resources to be gone for good.
  Vicki took ten thousand dollars with her, and "wasted" three. To be honest, it was worth every lost penny not to have to ever go back again. Now, Vicki is allowed to just be Vicki. But Vicki has never been Vicki before. Vicki has truly been inferior to humanity, and now cannot for the life of her be a full-fledged human. So Vicki tells herself what Vicki is, and still doesn't do what Vicki does, and goes to bed feeling like her day has been a waste. Vicki is still not Vicki. Vicki is a cleaner, a veger, a TV-watcher, and a sulker.

  The only time that Vicki has ever gotten to be Vicki is when Vicki is Jesus.

1760  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-09-10
Written: (5455 days ago)


  Alright, well, the writing an hour a day thing seems to be working out pretty well. Today I wrote some lyrics that I had been making up in my head at work. I also wrote some of a story that has been in my head for a while. The only problem is, I don't know how to make it into an actual story. I have characters, I have an intro, and I have something of a society. But aside from social commentary, I have nothing for these people to do. I suppose I could keep on figuring out how their society works, and then see if something comes up.
  Oh, and I've finally read more of [dmeredith]'s novel. It's a great book. He really didn't deserve the lull in my reading. I've even reviewed what I read today.
  All in all, this feels pretty good. I ought to be doing things that I am in love with, if I want to be mentally healthy.

1759  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-09-07
Written: (5457 days ago)

Give Up

Blah. This is a sucky day. Today makes me feel like giving up on being a writer.

Giving up feels good. No, really. Giving up means that you don't have to be scared of failure any more, because you've already failed. Succeeding isn't really all that rewarding. What do you succeed for? To get other people to say you've succeeded.

Don't believe me. It's just mental programming. I'll get over it eventually.

But I want to be a good Wife and a good Mommy and in order to do that I have to stop giving up. I know that I won't be those things just so my family can say I'm a good Wife and Mommy. I have to be those things so my family will have the strength to be grown-ups, before they have a chance to sap other peoples' strength.

Since I don't want to give up at being a Wife and Mommy, I should learn not to give up at other things that are easier, and then work my way up to harder things. Since I'm guessing that giving up on writing will be a regret of mine, what with my having built much of my childhood dreams around it, I think I should keep writing.

I'm going to write up to one hour, in creative work and journal entries, every day. An hour is a long time to be writing, but at least it isn't a huge chunk of the day. I wonder if it would work better if I split the hour into staggered portions throughout the day, or if I just did the whole thing at once. Well, it would be easier to count a whole hour if I did it all at once, near an easily accessible clock.

I should read an hour a day, too. Hey, it's not like I'm working a lot of hours. This whole plan might need to be altered if my next job is full time, but some jobs I'm looking at are part time. At least this way I'll get some things read. Poor [dmeredith]. Poor CS Lewis. Poor me.

Maybe if I keep really reading and writing, I won't have to be scared that I'll never get anywhere with it any more.


The jobs I'm looking at are a full time Assistant Baker with the possibility of entering into an apprenticeship, and a part-time Curves Circuit Instructor. Curves gives me more time, and I get to work out for free. The bakery gives me less time, so I might have to alter my reading and writing plan, and I'll have to get Karin to alter her schedule if I ever want to volunteer with her again, but at least I'll have lots of money to save up and spread around, and I'll be able to afford a martial arts class, if I can make time for it.
  Since I suck at time management, I think I should work at Curves. But the bakery job is creative, and somewhat active, and if I don't get to go to Curves, I think I would enjoy baking. If I like it enough, I could make a career out of it. But then I might want to give up at being a writer.
  Well, I just want to pay my bills, so I don't have to return to my parents' house, ever again. I want to know I will be able to pay my bills, because I don't want to be scared any more.

All of my coworkers at my current job quit, because they think it's okay to be rude at a minimum wage job. The bosses are nice, and understanding. It's not like it's a bad job, just a socially disdained one. No, not whoring. Cleaning. And we don't even get trashy people in that motel!
  Well, I want to be able to list my bosses as references, thanks. Furthermore, I don't want to leave them out to dry while they wait for business to finish slowing down. After all, I've had to pick up the slack of all my coworkers who quit, and if I leave before things have slowed down enough, my bosses will be screwed. They have a friend that they can ask to help, but she can't do smoking rooms.
  Some days, I've had to take unusually long shifts in order to pick up my coworkers' slack. I'm worried that if I say I can start a new job immediately, I won't be able to predict which hours to start with. So I've been saying "September 26". I don't want to work a seasonal job like this again. I don't want to be scared any more.

1756  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-09-06
Written: (5459 days ago)

I wanna

I want to surprise Karin with a query letter. I want to submit some poems to Wyn Lit. However, I'm guessing that I first have to decide which poems to submit this time. I like a lot of my poems, but there isn't room for all the ones I'm willing to submit in one mag. Maybe if I submit them all, she'll stagger them between a few issues. That might be dumb, though, if she wants first printing rights on anything she accepts, and then takes a while (though as I understand, Wyn Lit's wait times are relatively short) to print them. I hope she likes them, even the rude ones.

1755  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-09-04
Written: (5461 days ago)

Oprah's Book Club!

You know what? Just because it's so amazing that Oprah came out of such horrible circumstances, and yet still managed to be so successful and so famous and such a good person and so helpful to so many people.... *breathes*
  That does not mean that Oprah's Book Club is full of good books. Oprah's Book Club is full of didactic books. Oprah's Book Club is full of books written by authors who were trying way too hard to sound smart, and didn't care enough about their heartsong, or the story. Oprah's Book Club is full of books the sum of which would drive any human crazy, whether that human is amazing or not. Therefore, I deduce that Oprah's Book Club is going to kill Oprah.
  If you admire Oprah's Book Club, I deduce that you are a sheep, and either haven't read enough of its listed books, or have gone crazy from reading too many of them.
  And WHY my neighbour tried to defend Oprah's Book Club by telling me how amazing Oprah is, rather than actually talking about literature, I don't want to answer. It would be embarrassing for her. Except that I don't know her name.
1741  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-08-16
Written: (5480 days ago)


  I'm 21, and I'm not done growing physically. I know this because my menstrual cycle has become milder, and my figure more curvy - and not due to weight gain - only since the beginning of the year. In fact, the visible changes only began around April or May. Even my singing voice seems to be changing.
  Even though I was low this morning, I'm feeling better now. By the way, I cleaned all my rooms on time today!
  The kitty is napping in my messy room because it is nice and dark.

1740  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-08-16
Written: (5480 days ago)


  I think I'm in a low. I can't be PMSing yet (I might just be entering my fertile week). I want to cry but I'm not sure if I can. I am sad and comfort-eating and I'm not sure why. I have few people to confide in. Those I do have are so few that they don't have all the time I need to sort it out (I answer my own questions better after having asked someone). Either that or they're not versatile enough.
  I want to talk to Clayton, and he's gone for a couple of days. We left on a low note. I told him two of the three things I wanted to tell him, and then his parents picked him up. And I do hope that the third thing I want to tell him isn't bull. I want to wait until he comes back and tell him in person.

Wynterblue Logo?

  I did not know that Karin would want to turn the ad I designed into a logo. This does mean that a lot of my picture will have to be removed, as it is too busy for shrinking or split-second impressions. That's alright. She also wants to make the slogan I wrote for it into Wynterblue's slogan. I'll tell you once it's been published.
  Come to think of it, it does bug me a little that we don't get to use the whole thing. But I don't think Karin currently has time to run more than one ad, so she'll need one that can fill multiple purposes.
  No volunteering this week. Karin's on vacation.
  My landlady's back. Time to get used to her again. At least she's really smart and kind.

1729  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-08-06
Written: (5490 days ago)

Wynterblue Ad

  Last week was not for folding and stapling. Last week was for fundraising foundations. We were brainstorming possible sponsors for a while. Soon, I told Karin that she might be more convincing if she sold people on principles, such as giving a voice to Northern Ontario, rather than just asking bluntly. I got the idea from ad studies in school. For example, Coca Cola doesn't just sell cola. It sells people on youthfulness, stylishness, and currently, the ghetto image. Thus, people actually think that buying Coke will make them cool. So, she told me to design an ad. Well, okay. So I did. And it's not nearly as shallow as a pop ad.
  I had no idea that I could be good for something so practical. And to be allowed to do this thing without graduating college? Anyways, she loves the whole thing, including the slogan (which will come out with the ad). She's going to ask one of her artist friends to create the actual art. I can draw well enough to give a pretty good idea of what I'm seeing, but not good enough to sell alright. This is so cool. Tomorrow, when I get to the office, I may print out the pictureless ad and draw a better version of my picture so the artist can see what we want. The current version is all crumpled from being in my bag. My bad.
  We're also going around asking for sponsors tomorrow. I'd better get a chance to take a dip before I go, or I'll look and smell too bad from work.
  Speaking of work, it's time for me to start looking for a new job. Motels don't generate a lot of dirt in the winter.

1722  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-07-26
Written: (5500 days ago)

My First Day at Wynterblue

Yesterday, I folded a zillion 20 page paper booklets so that Karin could staple them. You see, Grand & Toy has already been generous in providing paper and printing. She thought it would be courteous not to ask for stapling as well. I also met two other volunteers.

After she had filled a box of stapled litmags, Karin made me a schedule. Since Grand & Toy's printing came in late this week, I may have to fold some more next week. The newsletter comes out every second week, and this one coming up is late.

Glamourous job, I know.

Oh well. It won't be all there is to it, once we're caught up. I'm just glad I can help in the production of litmags.

1721  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-07-26
Written: (5501 days ago)

What Else I Do

Wynterblue Publishing Mission Statement:

Wynterblue Publishing Canada Inc. is dedicated to assist, encourage and promote Northern Ontario and Canadian Authors so that their written words will ultimately instill awareness and delight to Canadian and International readership.

Alright, so here's what they do.

They are non-profit. They publish a free litmag, called Wyn-Lit. They publish a paid litmag, called Wt - Blue Sky Region. They are not a scam. However, they turn -nobody- down. If your piece is not publishing-worthy, they will help you get it in shape by workshopping, giving tips, and formatting. Then, they might publish it in one of their litmags, or they could help you find another legitimate publisher to submit to. This can't guarantee acceptance, but could help you to the top of the slush pile. They can also help you find an agent.

Karin Lacroix has so many visions and dreams, it will be interesting to watch the organisation grow. So far, she is doing a lot on her own, with a bit of voluteer help every now and then. I've just joined the team. This will allow her to have more consistent volunteer help, at least until the end of the summer. If she can get subsidized, she may be able to employ me.

This means I get to work for a publisher!!! *hoppies up and down* Whether volunteer or employment, this is a great oppurtunity for me to learn about the industry, and get closer to my dreams! I have one heckuvalotta work to do now.

1719  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-07-25
Written: (5502 days ago)

"Dear Wynterblue Staff;

Hello. My name is Vicki Nemeth. I read the ad in Wyn Lit #2/17 that you're looking for volunteers. I would like to help out.

Currently, I'm not a member of Wynterblue. I have only found out that memberships are available at the Books By The Bay opening, Friday night. I plan to become a member once I can scrounge up the funds.

My first draft of this email was a barrage of facts about what I'm capable of, so that you could see what to get me to help with. But I think I'd rather summarize:

I love literature and writing. I am an Honours English major on break for at least a year. I think I should job shadow publishing editors and others in the literary field. I rely on the bus to travel around town, and am physically fit (though not athletic). For the summer, I have lots of free time but little money, and after labour day, I plan to have less time but more money.

Now I can ask you what you would like help with. Thanks for giving me an oppurtunity to help!

I'll be awaiting your reply.

~Vicki Nemeth"

1717  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-07-23
Written: (5504 days ago)

Books By The Bay

This past weekend was the Books By The Bay Festival: A Northern Festival To Celebrate Canadian Authors. Whee! I went to the launch party. It was a book fair with readings and interviews. I talked to a lady who is just about to have her book published, and she gave me info about Wynterblue Thunder, and a few tips on learning about Canadian contests.
  I had dragged Clayton along, and we were among very few young people who went to the party, and the even fewer who went without adult assistance. After having learned what I did from the woman next to me, I began to realize that I, my writing, or my success wouldn't benefit much more from attending. I decided to sit out the rest of the weekend. Luckily, I hadn't bought a weekend pass. The nature of my work means I can't rely on myself to attend enough to make it pay for itself.

Today, I learned that Wynterblue Thunder works to help Northern writers get published. The editor may publish something in her litmag(s). Or, she may workshop your piece to get it into good enough shape to submit somewhere. She'll even help you search for an appropriate, legitimate publisher or agent. Awesome.
  She is looking for members. It doesn't have to mean you're a writer and want to be workshopped. It could just be your way of giving support to Northern artists. She's also looking for... volunteers. Oo. I could be a volunteer. I wonder what those volunteer folk do.


1703  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-07-11
Written: (5516 days ago)


You know what? PMS sucks. I thought I was in a low, but it was just PMS. If I had realized it was just PMS, I would have had an easier time dealing with it. I'm going to start keeping track of them on my calendar from now on.

1690  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-06-24
Written: (5532 days ago)

Shirkshirkshirkshirkshirkshirk. I haven't written in my blog in a long time.

I'll talk about the night I found out I was kicked out of school.

Death Card

Mom had been over the weekend before, and when she got back to her house, she discovered even more mail for me. However, I hesitated to phone her and ask her to open it, because I had already heard enough from her when she was around.

The first letter was just saying that I'd get my $100 deposit back for keeping my dorm in good condition. The second was that I am required to withdraw, that I will also see it on my web account, and that I can petition if I think I have a good reason for having such a bad average.
So I said nasty thing to Mommy, like, "I only went to University to get out of your house anyways."

So when we hung up, I called Clayton. I didn't want him to come over, because I was having a clingy day, and thought him returning would just make it worse. However, we both knew I needed him, now.

So he made it over to my place, but not before I'd had time to phone more friends down south. I calmed down while talking to them. I knew I did not belong in Nipissing anyways. I might later, but not as a prisoner of society.

But when Clayton and I went to bed, I could not sleep. I had stomach pains for no apparent reason but anxiety. I wanted to hit the bed or scream or something, but I was afraid of hurting Clayton's ears or disturbing the neighbours. I kept shaking, and I think I was chanting "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." Or maybe I'm mixing up the chanting part with another night. For a while I tried rubbing Clayton's back gently, instead of spending my energy on killing something. I don't know how many hours we spent trying to sleep.

After trying for hours to give me advice on getting to sleep, Clayton gave up on trying to fix things and just said, "Vicki, you don't deserve this."
  So I started panting, and crying, and screaming. I didn't care if I woke the neighbours. All Clayton could do was hold me and keep saying, "I love you."

I was able to sleep after that.

 The logged in version 

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