Alrighty. I'm sorry I haven't been able to add a lot latley, i'm kinda having...uh...issues. But here's a song I just wrote in the showa haha. Words come to me at the most inconvenient times, honest.

But I had it written down before I was dressed...So I saved it!!!

:::

[Unfillable Shoes]

i want to let go,
be strong,
but i know

that no one else
is there for me
but my heart
refuses to dub me free

wait till i find my love
watch your interest in me
burn in the sun!

consume thy hate
heart deflates
uncross the fate
but it's too late

let it all drift away
find it lost in a day
i'll never find the way
when you say;

consume the light
enter spite
end the lies
you will find:

no one is waiting in the shadows
blind, searching for a hand to hold
abandoned by the life they sold
no one to match my mold.

[6/17/07]

Side Note :::

If you have a government founded house, don't use a Magic Eraser (Mr. Clean) above the sink; The wall it coming apart now ...

Okay, just wanted to share that. Back on my voyage to clean the chocolate pebbles up from the carpet, the kitchen floor, and the couch!

I really don't know how I got that far. I don't even remember going across the room into the kitchen!!! It's like i'm a really horrible hulk. All I knew was I was crying and then somehow I threw the bowl into the sink...I really don't know!

Yeah, though it's summer, I probably won't be on as much now. But whatever. I'm kinda having issues with my sister, and she's leaving to college in a year, so i'm trying to patch everything up and she's going for revenge. But whatever, i'm trying. But I might end up crying a lot - I've been trying not to for a while and now it's just all coming out - and plus I might get in some huge shit because I don't know how, but I ended up throwing the last cerial I had all over the house. I'm sorry, but when I come back on, more than anything i'll probably have a lot. I know I haven't been on a lot even of the late, but I've been kinda addicted to SWG again. But hopefully this is just a false advertisment. But I'll see ya when I see ya, right?

Hrm, let us see what's on my Recent Tradgeties list:

1) I'm tired as hell
2) All my friends are moving
3) They didn't list the brands for the puppy food that has that ... stuff that's found in over the counter drugs
4) My eyes are still raw from crying all day Thursday and swimming.

Explinations you ask?

1) We went to a good-bye pool party Thursday from 7:30 pm-11:00 pm. Then I spent the night at Heather's. The next morning, her boyfriend (who's also one of my other best frieds, but he's staying!!!) came over and we went to the other pool for an hour. Really hot guys there. Came home and slept. No one left food for me so I woke up, had a snack, then couldn't sleep. So here I am at 6:30 A FRICKEN M! ON SUMMER BREAK! ON SATURDAY MORNING!!!

2) Heather;Idaho. Mary;Ohio. Kaci;Alaska. Miss Brandi Leigh, the southern bell;Still here. I hate this. Brandi Leigh wants Texas, not this place. This far. No friends. Ugh.

3) I have a little puppy, short of a year. Born in November. They didn't list the brands on the TV so we don't know what's going on.

4) Thursday was the last day of school, I kept crying. But I got like 20 comfort hugs from Monterius. I'm going to miss him =*(* He was sweet. I also got good-bye hugs from Matt, Christian, Calvin, Ceighvaughn(sp? Lol), Jannielle, Demarquis, Kaci, and Armnecia. I cried hard. Effin long, and effin hard. Plus I got a lot of hugs from Mary. After lunch me and heather saw her in the hallway and we just kinda walked into her and started crying and hugging. At least that parts done.

So as you can see, i'm not in the most happy mood, because Mary is the girl I wrote about in some of my poems and she's upset because she didn't get to kiss Zack. But whatever, right? It doesn't all have a happy ending.

"Sometimes something has to die to be pretty again."

Guess that's what fate is working on for me.

Okay, I have something that I feel the need to admit to someone for some reason. I don't know why, but for those of you losers who have no life and are actually reading this, Why is it that people like me fear to be alone?

We make different personas to be accomanied by at all times, though most of us know they aren't real. Such as me, I have a voice, powered by me, to help me not feel so alone. I don't know it's name, I don't know if it's a he or a she, but I know that it's there for me when I need it. So, of course, if anyone were to tune into my thoughts, I'd be talking to myself. Which makes me feel paranoid for some reason.

Am I stupid? Am I actually sane? Am I totally insane? Why do I fear the being alone will power all else that I fear, or have hidden behind myself will come back to me, and taunt me for the rest of my time? I don't want to be alone. I can go without friends...but I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me, and tell me that i'll never be alone again. I want to know why I feel like that, but I doubt my parents are gonna take me to a psychiatrist.

Then I feel like i'm just making those who I tell half of very few of my problems to are just thinking "why the hell is she like this?" I just...I want to be fixed. I never believed in normal, for it is just a utopia along with sane, but I want to be as close to it as thought, I don't want to be so different in this way. I don't want to be needy. I don't want to be clingy. I want someone to love. To hold. But where is that person? Even if it's just fake, how am I supossed to deal with myself - find myself! - if there isn't someone here to hold me if I fall, or if I end up hurting myself emotionally even more. I'm confused, and I just want to fix this all, but I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have anything to say? Advice? A shut-up no one cares? A you're-so-fucking-insane-I-don't-want-to-read-you're-shit-anyways? Anything?

I feel so desperate, but I don't know what else to do...

Wait, sorry. I can't update yet, I left my binder at school because I didn't wanna carry it. I have to walk about a mile after school to get home, because I'm almost to the point of the need of a bus, but I'm not quite there, so I must walk, and I was having breathing complications so I didn't wanna risk it. So, I'll update tomarrow!!! Promise!

That is, if anyone even reads this thing haha.

Complications, I still have no life and I didn't get to go out with my friend. BS right? Pssh. Soon as I get a bikini top I'll go to the pool with my friends. Whoohoo!

Anyways, updating, later on lookie at my update page for the links. Hope you enjoy!

(Btw, some of these were actually how I felt at the time, so uh...beware?)

Oh yeah, I just finished the new Maximum Ride book from James Patterson. He rocks man!!! I loved it, but Fang and his sexy self got kinda irritating. If you're waiting to read it, I won't spoil. Or at least try too...

I'm working on my life, but I will have A LOT to add later on!!! Hehe, see ya laters ya'll!!!

I added a lot on Myne ... which leads to my page, but my contents is so large, that, well, it's hard to find lol. But yeah, whatever. Go there and comment / rate please?

I dunno, I just...I wish I could even just settle again for someone, sit there and ignore certain comments and go on thinking I love them even longer. I miss the feeling that I "loved" someone. But it doesn't really matter does it? The girl I like is moving in 10 days, the guy I like i'm not going to date because he still has experiences with drugs, and well, that's a definate no. But whatever. It doesn't matter.

I hate exams. They're easy, but so..so...irritating; draining; boring. They won't let me take a book into the effin class room, or a spiral, so I have phrases pop into my head, and verses and stanzas, but I can't write 'em down. So i'll be a little slow for a bit with new poems.

why won't anybody Help!!! me???

Pfft. Oh well. It sucked anyways.

Damnit. I wanted to screw up my ex's myspace cuz I used to have his password. I can't make my way in anymore >_<

Hrm. Well my day sucked. That's basically it. Have fun knowing you probably have more of a life than me!

BTW - ! NEED Help!!! GO HERE AND Help!!! ME!!!
vrooooooooom
---> Help!!!

Okay.

I think i'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhasted from pretending to be happy. It's like I had a shut down today. No one cares anymore anyways, so why must I feel the need to pretend to be happy now?

I dunno. I just wish everything would sink into the distant blackness which I tend to call a soul.
Pfft.
I hate this. Don't you?
Or am I the only one here that feels this way?

Alright. My parents made up, they're going out today for a new deck umbrella. I'm stuck with my sister, my new mascara's rockin' (!) and i'm all made-up with no place to go. I wanted to see what my new mascara looked like...and I mean, you can't just put on mascara without eyeliner right? So now I have my eyeliner, and mascara on and I want to go down the street for some ice-cream but I lost an important piece of information that I need to shop from there. So yeahp, i've got no life. I know. Someone message me? Please? I'm bored...

Mom and dad in the living room. Silence.

Me and cookies and milk in the kitchen...
At least I have the somewhat better end, too bad their negative energy is dragging me down as well.

*sniff*

This bites.

Oh your God, Oh your God, oh your FREAKING MOTHER OF GOD. *sigh* My parents never fight like this wtf? Not to mention my dad's smoking again, definatly not a good sign. *doesn't even bother to hide the pain in her eyes* I love my family, we've never showed disfunction before. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Excuse the fuckin language if you don't like it. God fuckin damnit. Okay, yeah later. I'm not too...happy atm, enjoy what life you have, be thankfull you have one out of the house >_<

Okay, me and my friend Heather were sitting in class doing our math work for once, when the beginning of this question about a pinata popped up:

'The students in Mrs. Haberlou's Spanish class are making a pinata, which they plan to fill with pennies.'

OKAY! That being said, if you found anything strong enough to hold the pinata up, it would fall and burst, or just automatically fall hurting the kids wouldn't it? Or if you found something strong enough to hold it up, if someone touched it, it would burst would it not? This makes no sense! With as heavy as a sphere pinata filled with pennies is, it wouldn't be easy to defy the force of gravity, so why did they put this in a math booklet?

Since you need math for science, if they read that question, wouldn't some kids think that meant that a pinata full of pennies isn't that heavy?

Jeeze, people aren't smart when they are giving us tests are they? North Carolina sucks >_<

At least I have Janet Evanovich to ease my mind.

I really, truly, have no life. Maybe I could get Clint to put me a skateboard together? But then i'd have to go to the skate park and skate infront of everybody...it's not that I care what they think, it's the fact that everyone there will be able to do stuff that I can't, and that irritates me. One reason why I don't want to date a writer.

Or, or or!!!

Maybe I can quit SWG again and see where that gets me?

Nope won't work. I'm too attached now 8(

Anyone got any suggestions? Our school district sucks, so no extra curricular activies. The only after school stuff here in tutoring in stuff I excell in. *shrugs* For now, Reel Big Fish understands me. Same with Brody Dalle. And Save Ferris. And Mr. Big (I'd DIE for "To Be With You!!!"). Actually my nano and many, many more.

Well today my oh-so-once-loving ex boyfriend turned into the dick I used to know he was before he presented himself as a friend. He called me up, because we've talked after the break-up as actually good friends, and he was locked out of his house and his new girlfriend got her phone taken away; hense the basis of calling me.

When he called I was in the middle of reading PheonixV's poetry, and I told him some of it. "Oh well he's just an Emo." So I replied, "People like you are the reason so many Emo's kill themselves every year, and no, I don't believe he'd like the fact you called him 'Emo'." "Oh well, let the Emos kill themselves, just one more person I want dead. They're like gays, no one wants them around." So I hung up on him, i'm still trying to figure out when he became such a heartless jerk, and might I add, I no longer feel sorry for almost making him cry by breaking up with him.

Stupid dickmunching, cum guzzling, jackass.

YAY! I'm aloud to have a writersco!!! whoo. my momma said yee eess *sings and dances* i do that too often...Oh well, had to share 8P