[Eleanor]'s "The Little Mermaid, Part II"



Overall Impressions

I wasn't going to read the whole thing at first, seeing as how we'd planned to work on openings alone, but the story flows well enough that it didn't seem too long. I don't generally feel like variations on fairy tales or other established stories work very well on their own, especially when Disney's version is much more widely accepted among the masses. That being said, the writing itself is solid and thick with scrumptious details, with plenty to fill us up but not so much that we feel overfull.

Also note that it's extremely important to remember who your audience is. If you're writing this for a modern fairy tale competition or something, it's a whole different affair.

Technical Issues

I didn't find anything nitpick-worthy as far as straight up grammar rules are concerned. I was a little overwhelmed at times by the extensive usage of commas in the story, though.

"She had always been quiet, not just because she couldn’t speak, but because she never impinged on a person’s awareness. There was always something a little wild about her, a little otherworldly, and considering the prince had found her washed up naked on the shore next to the castle sea steps, this was entirely possible."

The comma after 'speak' is not necessary. The general rule for a sentence where a secondary idea is set off by commas is that the sentence should make sense even if you remove whatever's inside the commas. Although... as an editor I might contest that usage in this particular case, and say what you have is alright.

Also, if a comma's going to be used after 'sea steps', one should be used after 'and' to set that idea off from the main thought of the sentence.

"And yet, now, two weeks after marrying the maiden he thought he loved more than life itself, he remembered the girl and how she had appeared when he first came upon her, naked, half-drowned-looking on the sand, seaweed entwined in her long hair, how he had wrapped her in his cloak, hiding those long legs and small breasts, and carried her home in his arms, never once tempted to caress her velvety soft skin, kiss those smiling rosebud lips, or embrace her young body."

Something like this, while lyrical and lovely, really could do to be split into at least two sentences. This is a preference issue, really, but lengthy sentences can slow down the flow.

Plotting/Action/Literary Elements

It's a great story. Very moving, lyrical, and the rhythm of language is excellent; however, I felt that the story itself might've had too little in the way of conflict and action. There was nothing at stake, no risk involved for any party, and the ending came across as an example of deus ex machina ("God in the Machine", which is where some occurrence out of the control of the characters 'saves the day' -- you might know this already, but I thought I'd be sure). Without something at risk for the main character, some struggle that means a change in his life, readers aren't going to have as much to grab onto and feel with him.

Strengths

As stated, the story's language is exquisite. The setting leaves a little to be desired for development, but you've done a great job in making it deep in such a short time, especially with the sailor's yarns. Those came off as authentic, which in turn helped the wharf setting.

The prince's wife, to me, had quite a bit more chance to develop than even the main character. Subtle little comments about her fleshed her out quite well, and that helped, because she was the closest thing to a character antagonist in the story.


[Annie]

I'm going to copy [Mister Saint]'s layout for the review, although I'll probably have a lot less to say. :)

Overall Impression
I'm a little confused about who the Prince is infatuated with and who he's married to here. The description of the girl when he found he makes me think he's infatuated with Ariel, but then it doesn't make sense that he's married because in the movie he marries Ariel.

I have to say that the part where he says that he was NOT sexually attracted to "her" when he found her naked is a bit contradictory. He's saying that he wasn't tempted, yet he's describing all these sexual elements about her in great detail. ;)

Technical Issues
I think the biggest things I noticed was your sentence structure in some spots. The way you chose to word some sentences confused me. I think there is room for you to cut out some commas and replace them with periods. Make more sentences. If this is going to be a whole book, you'll want more sentences in the end anyway. ;)

I would also suggest less adverbs and adjectives. Just tell what's there, don't tell what's there and then what it's made of and what's on top of it and who's sitting around it. I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea. :P

Plot
The plot is interesting...I think it will make more sense to me if I see some more of it. Sorry I don't have more to say about this.

Strengths
From what I can tell, this is a pretty unique take on The Little Mermaid. I can't really tell because I don't quite understand what's going on here, but either way it sounds like it's going to be interesting.

I also think you have lots of room for expansion.