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2006-08-19 Burning Inside: UPDATED! 2006-08-19 Emily: It's a little mystical and reminds me of various books like The Giver and Brave New World. I am interested in seeing what's going to happen and why the world is like it is now. Governmental corruption? Did America take over the world (or something like America?). 2006-08-23 Burning Inside: UPDATED!!! 2006-08-23 Emily: Thanks for letting me know about the update. I'll come back and check this out, as well as the second chapter, whenever you're ready. 2006-08-25 Emily: I rated this story a six.[Burning Inside]: 233.New Centra.New Centra Part 1
Rating: 0.30 Uploaded by: Created: 2006-08-23 10:19:17 Keywords:
It was a damp cold night in the alley, the alley that was shadowed by the biggest building in all of New Centra; just to be able to live in its shadow was almost like being one of the rich folks. The food dropped from the rooms above was usually rather edible; when you lived on the streets your whole life eating leftovers dropped from ten stories up was nothing to be ashamed of, is was the only thing you could do to live.
They had a gate set up beside the alley on both entrance ways, guarded by the army. There were no more police like in the stories my grandfather told me of when he was younger, there was only the army now, an army that guarded New Centra from New Centra. You actually had to have an excuse for a job to be able to live in that alley. Everywhere else it was fight for your food, and your life. You had to fight for you life in this alley still, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as living on those streets.
The army that guarded New Centra was the only army left upon this planet called Earth; then again, New Centra was the world, or at least what was left of it. From the stories that the grandparents of our generation told us, Earth was laid to waist fifty years ago. Most of our parents weren’t even born back when it happened.
My job, the job that kept my wife and myself alive was simple, I was part of the army, a soldier; a pawn in the worlds only defense. I had to do whatever the people; the rich people wanted me too. Even if they sent me out in the jungles that suffocated the land, the place where men could only imagine was horrible -or majestic for those who wish for something better- is, I would have to go out there. Although I was told what to do from the rich people, I had never actually seen one, all I’d ever gotten was a letter sent down from ‘Anonymous’. In that day and age, we were lucky we could even read what the letters said, that’s the only reason we had the job, we were told its better to die a soldier than a citizen.
When the day had ended and my work was done, I felt that there was something amiss in my everyday life. I returned from a run through the streets of New Centra to find that my wife was gone. Not just gone out for a days run, but dead. Her body was left mangled in the alley way right beside where I slept. Left upon her lips was a word, a word I would have been able to make out had I been there when she died, now I only knew that she was dead left alone for everyone to see. My tears streamed down my face onto her cold dead cheek, as I clutched her body and head; pulling them into my chest.
That was six years ago, and I am still working on getting my revenge upon the people who did this to me. The memory of her is all that keeps me going, the thought of her death is all that keeps me fighting. I won’t rest till each and every man who was behind this is dead before my feet.
I have spent the past six years with an underground society working forward to my revenge, training, doing odd jobs, anything that will help me to know who did this, why they have done this terrible thing to my wife; sending me into this life of no return, and most importantly, and the main factor of my life from now till the end, to help me to kill them, all of them. My name; is nothing of importance, my alias the one that will be known throughout the land is Nine, and I will have my revenge.
some mistakes caught and edited
I did find a few mistakes, which I'll point out:
"There were no more police like in the stories my grandfather told me of when he was younger, there was only the army now, an army that guarded New Centra; from New Centra."
There's no need for that additional semi-colon. A comma can be used as added effect to voice, but it'd be grammatically wrong. I'd just leave it as "... that guarded New Centra from New Centra."
"My job, the job that kept me and my wife alive was simple, I was part of the army, a soldier; no a pawn in the worlds only defense."
Depending on how you want to write this or however educated you want this guy to be, the correct term would be, "... the job that kept my wife and me alive was simple..." Instead of "me and my wife". The way I pointed it out be be the 'correct' way. Aside of, there's also a mistake with "...no a pawn in the worlds only defense..." If it were me, I would have written it as, "... I was a part of the army, a soldier; a pawn in the world's only defense." When you add a "no" after the semi-colon, that makes it an incorrect punctuation. It's best to take it out.
"...the only reason we had the job, plus we were told its better to die a soldier then a citizen."
First, I would avoid using "plus" in narrative speech, unless your character is talking. It really loses to the effect of the story and you're ALWAYS better off without it. Second, there is a difference between "then" and "than." 'Then' refers to time, such as, "Now and then I'll take a walk." Or, "It was then that the car exploded randomly." 'Than' is used for basically everything else. In this sense and in that sentence, it should be, "It's better to die a soldier than a citizen." Also, don't forget when it's proper to have apostrophes and when it isn't. They should always be used in abbreviations (it's = it is, isn't = it is not), and for pronouns. Generally you will use an apostrophe when something has a gender to it as well.
"That was six years ago, and I am still working on getting my revenge upon the people who did this too me."
"Too" is wrong. Just "to" is needed. Whether a typo or not, there are three t-os. To, too, two. To is a conjugation and used for basically everything. Two is a number. Too is when you're describing the ... ah... 'worth' of something. For example, "That's just too much." "It's much too heavy!" "Don't do that, it's too bright!" etc., etc. In this sense, you're connecting words, therefore you're using the conjugation of 'to'... which is 'to.' :D
As for the entire prologue, whenever you write something new, you should read it out loud. You have a lot of breaks that aren't needed, and though you're probably trying to create a very dramatic effect and point of view, it only annoys the reader at some points. Let your character develop their own point of view and only add in your opinion when it's needed. I would suggest connecting some of your beginning sentences and making it flow easier. If it rolls off your tongue when read out loud, then you've done your task. If you have to stumble or pause, it isn't because you're a bad reader, it's because the words aren't written clear enough.
But, for this line, "Then it happened on that one frightful day." that doesn't sound like the picture you're trying to pain. This guy sounds like a hardass, not a British Ambassador. I'd suggest something like, "When the day was ended, I could feel something was wrong."
The last paragraph also sounds... cheesy, to say the least. You should take a challenge and make it sound a little more interesting for your readers ;).
Otherwise, I can't wait to see an updated, edited version of this, as well as new chapters. I'd like to know why soldiers to an army are having to eat from the rich people (and how one would get rich in such a time).
Well done, for the most part!
more mistakes caught and edited thanks to [Emily], so yea Thank you Emily if you catch any more please tell me, but I'm off to write part 2, keeping your critique in mind ^_^