[Today for you, tomorrow for me]: 256.Poetry.Guilt of a Rebel

Unseen tears,
Unheard pleas
So much screaming out silently
They are reminders
They show me what I try to hide
Her approval means so much to me

She makes me feel guilt
Makes me feel . . .
Empty . . .
Inferior, to everyone
She doesn’t seen to know
Or even care how she affects me

I try to tell her
She doesn’t listen
I’m crying for her love
Screaming, pleading for so much as a thank you
She doesn’t want to admit
That she doesn’t know me anymore

The price she pays . . .
Doesn’t she see how high it is?
One day I will came to hate her . . .
I try to fight it,
I love her, but . . .
I know this to be true

I’m not good enough
Isn’t that what she’s saying?
I’m to blame,
I’m not to be trusted
I hate being
Her emotional vent

More often than not angry,
She hurts me with those words
She never pays attention
One day I will come to hate her
Though I wish this certain truth
Wasn’t so certainly true

I don’t want to hate her
She’s my family
Why won’t se try . . .
Try to understand
I need her now
And she turns me away

I needed her then
She never seemed to care
Though I need her now
She refuses to support
She tries to rule over me
And gives me no respect

I strive to be a better person
I strive to be caring and empathetic
I want everyone happy
But not one seems to understand
That despite the fact that I am trying
She always overlooks my deeds
To see a greater flaw

It hurts me,
Her ignorance
It agonizes me,
Her superiority
And her blame . . .
It’s the supreme torment

I love her,
Yes,
But she doesn’t see
All that I hold dear
Doesn’t understand
I’m no longer an infant

I wish for her understanding
I want her respect
I long for her happiness
I yearn for her acceptance
I need her love
I live for her approval

There is no understanding in her voice
None in her eyes
I wonder silently
Does she understand in her heart?
Does she want to?
Does anyone truly understand?

She tries,
I admire this,
But the distance is so remote
I always ask too much
And I always push to far
I try to get her to see
Past what she wants to see

She gets so angry
Always seeming hostile
Always seeming so cold
I don’t know
Whether she means me well
Its hard to ascertain

I don’t know if she’s beyond my reach
How can I make her see?
I love her, but I want to be free
Why does she hold me imprisoned
I have few freedoms
And its all I can seem to think about

So much expectation
No room left to be me
Always having to be the perfect one
OR completely horrid
Completely congenial
Or completely immature

With all these expectations
How can I be anything else?
Sometimes I act so immature
I feel that I can be no way else
Sometimes I wonder
Does she really want it this way?

She wants perfection,
I can only meet her halfway
And then she is angry with me . . .
It leaves me angry with myself . . .
She has taught me to hate
This person I’ve become

No one seems to understand
So much mental abuse
I wonder when it will stop
I wonder when I will be able
To share what I feel
To share just what she does to me

I feel so guilty,
Counting the days till I’m 18
I want away from here,
Away from her
Is it wrong to wonder
If I will ever be at peace?