[SleepingDragon]: 268.Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia

Ironic. I don’t really fear death, so why am I afraid to leave the house?

The therapist, in her minimalist way, called it ‘generalized anxiety disorder’ but in the back of my mind, I know it must be agoraphobia. I’ve been on the medication for a while now, but it still does not seem to be helping.

The knock on the door is malevolent. The ring of the phone sends pangs of terror through my being. Venturing to the mailbox is a task so ridden with fear that it takes hours to recover, and having to drive, well, that’s another matter entirely.

I am lonely, but I fear to have company, and wish them gone almost as soon as they arrive. When they leave, I worry that I did something to drive them away. It doesn’t make sense I know, but it’s true.

What will become of me now as I shut the world away? Will people eventually just leave me to bitter loneliness and despair? I fear that as much as going out, yet I still must not leave. Why must there be errands to run and bills to pay? Why must there be appointments to be kept? Don’t they know what it does to me when I must do these things? Don’t they see the way I tremble and shake, hear the nervousness in my voice as I speak? The fear in my eyes is palpable. It must be. Yet still, there are requirements upon me. When will it end?