[sequeena_rae]: 357.Amaranth - Chapter one

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Created:
2006-03-27 09:57:10
Keywords:
fantasy medieval royalty
Genre:
Biographical
Style:
novel
License:
Free for reading
A/N: This was orignially written as a piece of coursework, but I don't really like it that much, I'm trying to make it better so that I can make it into a novel length story but I'm not too sure it will get there.



Amaranth - Chapter one

Slowly and softly, Fallow wiped the dripping sweat off from his wife Soraya's brow. Gently, he gripped her hand and tried his best to soothe her.
"It won't be too long now my love, just a little longer." he whispered, kissing her forehead lightly before straightening up and called anxiously, "Aeda! Please hurry, she's ready to give birth!" Sweet Circe, where is that woman?!
"Oh Fallow, I don't think I can take much more of this!" Soraya cried as abother white hot wave of crippling pain tore through her lower abdomen. Her long black hair, matted against her scalp was soaked with sweat, her gentle cypress eyes filled with anguish. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, crimson from the strain of her contractions. Please God, finish this now I beg of you, she silently prayed as yet another wave of shooting pains crashed through her.
  Aeda quietly entered the dimly lit bedchamber. The vermillion curtains had been drawn so that nobody could see in. She smiled kindly as she walked over to the sepia coloured, large oak bed in which Soraya was laying in. Placing her hand onto Soraya's swollen stomach, she asked affectionately, "How are you my dear?"
A low and painful groan was her answer and Aeda was satisfied that it was time.
"Out Fallow please, yes yes, I know you wish to stay with Soraya but I promise you that she shall be safe while in my care."
"Please Aeda, I beg of you, don't make me leave her."Not now, please, not now! Fallow continued to plead with her desperately but Aeda just sighed sympathetically and pushed him out of the room.
"Go Fallow, Soraya would not want you to see her like this."
  Fallow had finally resigned himself to being forced out of the bedchamber and turned around just in time to see the large sweeping arc of the door close in his face. Leaning his back against the door, he sighed quietly as a small trail of tears began making their way down his cheeks in a race to see who would reach his chin first. Fallow hardly ever let himself have a moment of weakness, he believed himself to be a strong man, the leader of his country. He was able to fight in the bloodiest of battles and not shed a tear for his fellow countrymen, some he had known since he was a child, dying around him, yet he allowed the dams to burst when his wife was merely having a child. Many women did so everyday and it was well know that Aeda was the best midwife in all of Amaranth. Pathetic. Fallow placed his head in his hands; his long cinnamon hair curled around his elbows as his shoulders shook. The image of his wife Soraya drifted to the front of his mind. She was a gentle woman with kind eyes and jet black hair as soft as silk that gently tumbled to her waist. He shook his head trying to rid himself of the image. Forgive me Aeda, please, forgive me.
  For what seemed an eternity, Fallow paced the length of the small corridor, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. A small border collie that went by the name of Bane softly butted his head against Fallow's leg.
"Hello old boy, come to keep me company have you?"
Bane looked up at Fallow, his eyes shining warmly and he gently pawed at Fallow's hand in a silent sign of support. "Good boy." Fallow murmered with a small smile and sat down to ruffle the dogs fur.
  Finally, Aeda silently came out of the bedchamber, her head bowed with sorrow. Bane who had his head in Fallow's lap barked excitedly and ran towards Aeda, his tail swishing back and forth. Fallow looked to Aeda expectantly. "Aeda? How is she?" he asked anxiously.
"I am so sorry Fallow, your child..." Aeda's voice fell into the background as Fallow gasped for breath.
God no, please, not my child...Anything but my child!

Fallow looked up from his desk and hurriedly put away the letter he had been writing when he found his two most trusted loyal subjects, Dairg and Simian watching him intently.
"Is there anything you wish us to do my Lord?" Dairg asked politely. Fallow sighed and looked at the two men for a few moments before standing up.
"Yes, gather the community into the courtyard. And fast."
Dairg nodded, bowed respectfully and left the room Simian, who had not said yet just stared at Fallow.
"Yes Simian? Do you plan on staring at me all day or do you actually have something of use to say?" Fallow snapped irritably. Simian lowered his eyes and nodded before replying softly,
"I just wanted to see if you were coping well me Lord."
"How else should I be Simian?! My child! My own flesh and blood has been ripped away from me, before I could even get the chance to hold her, to tell her I loved her!" Fallow glared at him angrily and flung himself down into his chair, sighing heavily. "Please Simian, just go."
  Simian had left the room hurriedly, not wanting to invoke more of his King's wrath. Simian sighed slightly. How do I help him? Simian felt more like a brother to Fallow and was hurt because Fallow was hurting. He smiled as he remembered how Fallow had found him, almost dead after an attack on his village in Celadon. He couldn't have been much more than sixteen and both his parents had been killed. Fallow had tended to his wounds and stayed with him until he was well. Fallow had then asked Simian to go back to Amaranth with him, to work for him, to be someone Fallow could rely on. He chose to go with Fallow, there was nothing left for him in Celadon. From that moment on, he had believed thathe had made the right choice, he knew he would die to save his King and Queen, save them like Fallow had saved him.
  As Simian weaved his way down the winding corridors, he spotted Dairg talking to a person who he had not seen before. Simian assumed that the man was a passing guest, seeing as Fallow never refused shelter to those who needed it. However, something didn't seem right, for it was the hottest day of the year so far, yet this man was wearing a cloak that covered him from head to foot. Simian was just about to approach the stranger when he heard Fallow come down the hallway behind him and bowed respectfully, deciding to keep his questions for later - a decision he would soon come to regret.




2006-03-27 dmeredith: Again, if this was the first chapter or prologue to a longer piece then I think it's a good quick start. It immediately starts with action and compels the reader to want to know more (who is the cloaked man?). There are a couple of inconsistancies with your characterisation though, I think. The biggest one of which is that Fallow "He was able to fight in the bloodiest of battles and not shed a tear for his fellow countrymen, some he had known since he was a child, dying around him." but gushes about grief and love to his subordinates. It's one thing for him to cry in private about his wife but would he be so emotive in public in front of "the guys"? If this is intentionally out of character, to illustrate the depth of his grief, then I think you might want to add a sentence or phrase to that effect. "Simian was shocked by his Lord's apparently devistated state", or "His men were baffled by Farrow's uncharacteristic display of emotion..." You also might want to make it more blatantly obvious that there is some unexpected difficulty with the delivery. Again good start, but details, details, details.

2006-03-28 sequeena_rae: Thanks ^_^ I'll be sure to add in what you tell me :D I knew it was all a bit up and down but I wasn't sure where I could add things incase I ruined it all >_< Ah well, I know now :D

2006-03-29 dmeredith: I appreciate your confidence in me but don't simply take it for gospel. Besides multiple revisions you should also let lots of people who you know read a lot and are good writers so that you get a range of opinions. Keep what you feel works for your style and disregard the stuff that is simply a mater of taste.

2006-03-29 sequeena_rae: Oh. Alright. Thanks anyway ^_^


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