[Kaimee]: 5.Mixed Poetry&Prose.Help me Cassius

A cheshire smile is your only goddamn response and I start to think maybe I like you a bit afterall, because you look like maybe you know you're wrong, and because of how much I hated you for a few seconds a little while ago.
I can see you sitting there, in the other seat, pretending you don't care that I'm there. I'm gonna laugh a bit too loud all the way home and have dazzling discussions all around you to knock you off your feet or set you rocking about a bit or just fuck with your head the way you're fucking with mine or oh god to end this sentence. This isn't a love note, I'll try not to get too boring.
A couple of months ago my little life turned upside down and thoughts that I could always lock away when I stepped from one world into the next suddenly seemed to have taken a wrong turn and were piling themelves into my brain faster than I could think them and I actually screamed for a bit, only I don't think it was in a way anyone heard. And then for a few days you with your stupid smile came and saved me, yeah, you, a knight in shining sharky armour.
You smiled in such a little child way, grins with dimples and horrible happy, laughing eyes, and you were just so fucking pleased with the tiniest thing I wanted to slap you and when I stopped screaming for a second and said "I want to slap you" you stopped grinning immediately and said, oh, it was so very, very gravely, you said "I think you must then, or you'll always regret not having done it".
And that was a million times worse than anything. Help me Cassius, or I sink. Don't you dare make me hate you more than anything else, because my life turned upsidedown and I'm meant to be so unhappy that nothing else is anything, do you see? I have to hate that more than anything.
And so you sit there smiling away to yourself (and I know you're doing it, even though your mouth is set in a completely straight line and doesn't give the game way at all, I still know you're feeling smug.) And it's like a few scattered islands with my hair whipping at my cheeks as you drive along and turned around, I do my own happy cheshire act at the dazzled ones in the back seat, and I can feel you smiling and think maybe it's not that I hate you more than anything, maybe I like you a tiny little bit. And I know you're smiling because you made me hate you like this and you think it's so good this time, to have done something wrong, but let me assure you it isn't.
Don't you smile your cheshire grin at me and make light of all my inconsistencies.

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Piece © Kate-Aimee Conrick. All rights reserved!