[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.Random.ABriefLookAtHistory

Charlie: We all know that history is, to put it lightly, rather vague.
Tyr: And HUGE too.
Charlie: Right. And since it's so vague, it's open to interpretation as well. Even the Bible.
Tyr: I read the Bible. Long book. I'd like to meet the author though.
Charlie: Do you even know who wrote the Bible?
Tyr: Well... mine says it was written by King James.

Charlie gives Tyr an odd look, then shakes his head.

C: King James didn't write the Bible.
T: Now that's B.S. They don't put your name on a book if you didn't write it. And believe me, I tried it once.
C: Oi... can we just move on?
T: Sure.
C: Ok, so as I was...
T: I wonder how long it took then to write the Bible...
C: Over a thousand years... Now like I...
T: A thousand years?! You're kidding! Nobody lives that long! I mean... my grandma looks like it but... she's not.
C: Look! It's just how it happened you imbecile! Now, can we get back to the point?!
T (smiling, laughing the words): And here I thought taking a year to read it was being slow.
C: As I was saying... history can be left to interpreatation. Even the Bible. And some people can be very frustrating, not that I'm naming anyone in particular.

Tyr is making small 'blah blah blah' movement as Charlie speaks. Charlie points at Tyr, just behind his head.

T: Not doing what?
C: Nothing!
T: Ok...
C: What we are about to show you is an interpretation of history
T: Some would say it's revolutionary!

Tyr raises his hand in a trimphant pose.

C: Others would say it's just delusional
T & C: We say it's 'A Brief Look at History'

Enter scene. God (Charlie) and Lucifer (Tyr) are sitting down at a table. God is angrily watching Lucifer who looks rather ashamed of himself, and is staring at the floor.

God: I know you know why you're here, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Yes, Father.
God: And would you like to tell me why?

Lucifer looks up, confused.

Lucifer: I thought you already knew...
God (booming voice): I DO KNOW! (more calmly now) I just want you to say it, it's the principle of the matter.
Lucifer: Oh... well... I guess it's because I set the bomb off...
God: You GUESS?
Lucifer: Ok, ok... I set off the bomb.
God: That's right! and what happened because of it?

Lucfier looks down again and mumbles something to himself.

God: What was that? I couldn't hear you over all the SILENCE.
Lucifer: Wait... didn't you just lie?
God: No, I was being sarcastic. There's a big difference.
Lucifer: How big?
God: THAT IS NOT THE POINT! Now tell me what happened!
Lucifer (sighing): The bomb made more than one continent...
God: More than one? There's SEVEN of them for crying out loud!
Lucifer: I was thinking about that... are you sure Greenland's a continent?
God: Are you questioning my judgement?!
Lucfier: It's... just a bit small...
God: Oh, and I suppose next you're going to say Pluto's too small to be a planet?
Lucfier: No, nothing like that I just...
God (ignoring Lucifer, slowly getting louder and angrier): I hade it all worked out too! One planet, one perfect planet. One continent... One ocean... One sky... One everything! And then you...

God points an indignant finger at Lucifer, who backs away slightly.

God: You ruined it!
Lucifer: Well, I didn't mean to...
God: Regardless. (calmly now) I think I'm going to send you off.
Lucfier: To where?
God: Well there are... PLENTY of places. For example...

God pulls out a book entitled 'Dante's Inferno' and flips it open.

God: For example there's this place where boils would fester all over your skin. Or this one! Where you have to push a boulder up a hill for all of eternity! Who in the world comes up with all this stuff?

Lucifer watches him, terrified and trying not to imagine all of the horrors as God speaks.

Lucifer: F... father?
God: That's right! Me! There's Fire! Brimstone! Apples galore!
Lucifer: Hey, apples? I LOVE apples!
God: (indignantly) THEN NO APPLES!
Lucifer: But, you just said...
God: No. They're forbidden now. And it's all your fault.
Lucifer: But.. but that's not cool!
God: Oh... don't worry. It's warm there, you'll be fine.
Lucifer: Oh, good. For a moment I... wait... I don't think I said anything about the...
God: Just go! And send in Jesus. I need to talk to him about something...

Lucifer slinks off

Scene change, God (still Charlie) and Noah (Tyr) are seen staring up at something.

God: I've got to hand it to you Noah, you did well. I knew you could do it.
Noah: Ya... but it's been a real pain getting it all done...
God: What do you mean? I provided you all the materials... got you a good place... I walked you through the whole thing!
Noah: No you didn't. You never took me anywhere! I've been here for months!
God: I was being sarcastic.
Noah: Oh... Well I'm personally Jewish but, you know, to each their own.
God: Noah. Sarcastic is NOT a religion.
Noah: Oh... right. I totally knew that... what's sarcastic again?
God: Nevermind! All I'm saying is that it was easy for you!
Noah: Ya. But it still took... like... forever!
God: Noah... you don't even know what forever is. I wouldn't start talking about it if I were you.
Noah: Ya... I guess you're right. Now I can really get some fishing done though! Boy I tell ya...
God: Well ya, I'm sure you... Wait... FISHING?!
Noah: Well, ya. What else are you supposed to use a boat for?

God looks stunned, turns away, then shakes his head.

God (to himself): I knew that proverb was a bad one to teach...
Noah: Well...?
God: Noah! You're supposed to save the animals with it! It's why I had you build it!
Noah: You sure?
God: OF COURSE I'M SURE!
Noah: Well...ok, but save them from what?
God: FROM THE STORM!!
Noah: There's a storm? No way! We need to get to cover! Quickly, come with...!
God: No! Get in the boat, I got the animals on for you already.
Noah: But...
God: NOW!
Noah: Can I at least get my fishing pole?
God: Noah...
Noah: Yes?
God: Remind me to never, ever do this again...
Noah: Ok... Never, ever do this a
God: Gah!

God stalks off, Noah shrugs and grabs his fishing pole and hat before setting off into the boat.

Scene change. Steven (Tyr) is sitting at a table, staring quietly at the sky when God (Charlie) enters from the right.

God: Steven Hawking! Good to see you again, I hear you wanted to see me about something?
Steven: Yez. I. Would. Just. Like. To Diz-cuss. My. Thee-O-Ree. With. You.
God: Your... theory?
Steven: Yez.
God: Theory about what?
Steven: The. Creeation of the uni-verse.
God: Oh dear me... Steven, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times...
Steven: That. Iz. A lie. You. Did not. Tell me. A mill-yon...
God: SARCASM! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND SARCASM?!

God falls to his knees, head in his hands, nearly crying.

Steven: I. Doo not. Know.

God sighs and stands back up.

God: Allright Steven. Well existence can't get much worse than it is right now, so, tell me anyways.
Steven: Alll. Right. My. Thee-o-ree. Ztatez that. The. Yuu-nee-verse. Star-ted off. As. A. Seen-gul mass of mat-ter. Which ex-plo-ded. And. then slow-ly dee-vell-upped. In-to the uni-verse. As. We. Know it.
God: So basically you're telling me I've been wrong about it all this time?
Steven: Yez. I. Call it the. 'Big Bang.' I am. A jee-nee-us.
God: No Steven, you're not. And, in fact...

God grins to himself.

God: I think I'm going to send you away.
Steven: To. Wherre?
God: Oh... there are PLENTY of places...

End


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