[Tyr Zalo Hawk]: 712.Stories.I'mKidding.Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Surgeon General Is Gonna Hate Me For This

"I've seen a lot of things in my life, man, but that was like... whoa!" God exclaimed with appropriate arm flailings. "I mean, you took down TWO Anna Nuther's and it was so sweet!"
While God went on about how awesome Ghit was (which was, by God's standards, 9.8) Jez sat next to our hero and hugged him about the arm.
Ko and Link, long since done with their rants about Ghit's level of awesome were torn between seeing just how long God would go on, or baking cookies. Actually, Ko wasn't quite torn at all, but Link was.
Jez wasn't torn at all, she was simply happy that 'that miserable wretch and her miserable wretch clone got what was coming to them.'
The way that Jez said 'miserable wretch' made it sound like she was talking about her favorite pet, but that really wasn't her fault, as has been explained.
Ghit himself, having just come victorious out of a battle that had expanded his ego to the approximate size of The Moon, was too busy basking inhis own glory that he was starting to develop a tan.
THE were all gathered inside God's house, since it was the closest place from the battle that didn't involve explaining to Ko's mother why her son wasn't a demon for the 518th time since the year began.
It wasn't that Ko's mother thought that her son speaking in the 4th person was demonic, it was a mix of paranoia, mental delusions, amnesia, schitzophrenia, and an advanced case of ADHD-O...AB (Attention Deficient Hyper Di- Ooohh... A Butterfly!).
Consequently, though no one is quite sure of the reason, she can speak every language fluently, but cannot understand a word of what she says.
Especially when it comes to English.
This makes it especially difficult to speak to her except through interpretive dance and sign language, neither of which anyone in the group was quite good at.
And Ko's father, in case you're wondering, is the only normal person in this entire story. But that's also why he (SPOILER ALERT) never makes an apperance (END SPOILER), or does he?
All comments about spoilers and Ko's family aside, God's house was a righteous domain dedicated to bagels. He had bagel shaped furniture, bagel shaped decorations, bagels as decorations, and bagel dining sets, which didn't hold anything because of that giant hole in the middle of each piece.
Although it's hard to say exactly how long God's ranting went on (what, I haven't been counting. It happens.) when it finally ended he sat through one of his chairs and relaxed.
Link grinned, finally not forced to decide anymore. "I'll make cookies~!" He sang as he sprung up out of his bagel-chair and headed to the kitchen. Everyone knew it was probably a bad idea, but only Ko spoke up.
"No... do not do?!" (No, don't do it!, for those of you who don't speak 4P fluently)
Even if Link had heard him, he couldn't understand a word, and even Ghit was ignoring him, so everyone in the bagel infested living room was only left more confused.
Silence came in and settled down for a bit. With God currently mentally stocking on words, Ko feeling like no one understood him (All together now: Awwwwwww... of course no one understands you!), Jez contemplating the look of defeat on the Annas' faces, and Ghit nearly bronzed by now, there was nothing to be said.
Lucky for you guys, God's grandmother took this opportunity to stop by for a surprise visit. The doorbell rang, which was odd considering God hadn't installed one, and then God's grandmother came through the door.
This is not to say she opened it and walked inside casually, saying 'Hello' like old ladies are prone to do. God's grandmother hurtled through the door in a suit made of reinforced rubber.
The door itself was fine, since it had that giant hole in the middle of it. Some people think this is a robbery hazard, but God has yet to lose a single item from his house. (It's probably because of the laser turrets at every entrance, but who can really say for sure?)
God's Grandmother bounced as she hit the wall, then bounced off the floor, another wall, and finally the ceiling before landing neatly inside God's bagel recliner, as though she'd always been there in a rubber sumo suit.
"Hello there dearies, how are all of you doing?" she said casually, crocheting some sort of sock-like object as she did.
She was a dark-skinned woman who appeared to be roughly 900 years old. Her hair was silver and wispy, and made up into an afro twice the size of her slightly shrunken head. The sumo-suit she was wearing covered her entire body, and made her look as though she'd just escaped from the circus. She had on bunny slippers and thick socks made of what was presumably titanium wool.
No one was shocked by her entrance (you excluded).
God answered first, since it was his grandma. "We're fine, Grammy X. How 'bout yo'self?"
Before she replies, I need to clarify something. Nothing is sacred to Grammy X, nothing at all. Not her religion, not her family, not her graphic sex life, it's all a bunch of effervescent pillowtalk to her. You have been warned.
"I'm in a murdering mood, dearie." That now out in the open she popped out of her chair, using the rubber suit to bounce herself into a pounce of sorts towards her grandchild. God got up while she was still in midair and stepped aside.
Grammy X plunged face-first through the hole in God's chair and her face stopped an inch rom the ground.
"That's nice, Grammy X." God replied.
"I'm gonna head into the kitchen to make sure Link doesn't burn my house down, aight? Any ya'll want something?"
Ko nodded. "?" (A sandwich.)
God's head swam with the limitless possibilities of what Ko's comment could've meant, and, more importantly, how he had pronounced only a question mark.
Ghit, finally done basking due to the presence of an ancient woman stuck upside down in a bagel chair quickly translated Ko's remark to God, who, much less confused, left to get Ko a sandwich.
"Grammy X," Ghit said with a smile, "You're looking lovely today. Why have you graced us with your presence?"
"I came here to kill the lot of you. You're all taking up too much air and I'm here for justice!" Grammy X shouted back.
"Ahhh." Ghit nodded. "The usual then. Well, regardless, it's nice to see you."
"Nice to see you too, dearie." Grammy X began crocheting upside-down, since there was nothing better to do.
Jez kissed Ghit as soon as he was done talking and then smiled at Grammy X. "Ghit defeated Anna Nuther and her clone in a lightsaber battle today, Grammy X."
"Like I care what the little bastard does. He can beat a can of toothpaste for all I'm concerned."
Jez nodded and smiled. Everyone was, by now, used to Grammy X being this way. Especially since it would've been stupid not to do so.
When God came back in with the sandwich, Ko wasn't surprised that it was a made using bagels for bread. He smiled at God. "Thank?" This was one of the few phrases God was able to pick up over years of knowing Ko.
"No problem, man. So, Grammy X, how you been?"
Grammy X scrunched up her face. "I quit giving the mailman oral sex yesterday. He said he had a family and that I should untie him.
I don't believe the little bastard actually has a family, but I let him get about 500 yards before I told the authorities that he'd had his way with Mr. Jailbait." (If I could draw your attention for a moment, Mr. Jailbait is Grammy X's pet crocodile. She feeds it lawyers.) "So they shot him. It was good enough for a laugh. Thank you for asking, dearie."
THE exchanged glances before nodding.
It wasn't like this was the worst thing Grammy X had ever done, and certainly not the last time they'd hear about it. There was also no feasible way to stop the old girl since no one was quite sure if she was legally alive or not. It said 'unknown' on her drivers liscence, since no doctor who had ever tried to check had a tongue long enough to give a result.
Just then, Link ran back in with a bowl of questionably colored dough and offered the bowl to Ghit. "What do you think? This may just be the best cookie dough I've ever created!"
Despite the fact that it was also the only cookie dough Link had ever created, Ghit dipped a finger into the purple mixture and took out a fingerfull. "Why Link, you shouldn't have." He stared at it for a moment, and everyone but Grammy X looked nervous.
"Just eat it you pansy! Don't make me make you look like a little woman in front of your wench!" Grammy X had managed to yell loud enough to
feel the soundwaves.
Ghit shrugged, remembered that poison control was on Link's speed dial, and put the glob into his mouth. He chewed for a moment, then swallowed.
Link grinned. "How is it?"
Ghit's face took on several confused expressions, and shifted from bronze back to his normal white. "It's..."