Welcome all to Ask Mister Saint, one of many shiny new features brought to you by WritersCo Monthly. Here Mister Saint will answer the questions of the WritersCo faithful with his own particular brand of skewed perspective, more often than not through parody, satire, and bad puns. So if you have a question you would like to see answered by Mister Saint, by all means, use the contact form to send it!



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This month's questions

[#1] : Socks
[#2] : Cat Love
[#3] : You Should be a Model!
[#4] : I Don't Know What's Going On!
[#5] : Autumn Vegetables

[#top]

Socks

Dear Mister Saint,

I recently discovered that my roommate is an escaped convict, wanted for chopping people's heads off via closet door and window pane. How do I communicate to her that I am bothered by her socks on the floor without "losing my head"?

Mr. Saint: Well Sushi Socks, as it turns out your problem is extremely widespread in homes all over the globe, and sometimes the world as well. You shouldn't be afraid, unless of course your neck is important to you.

Generally, the best solution is to go to your local pet store or goth shop and buy a thick, studded collar or choker. This prevents your roommate from decapitating you with blunt force objects. If the window is broken, however, you will need at least a turtleneck sweater.

As for posing the question to her... I suggest doing it in her sleep. Research a bit and discover which of her 'mental voices' she is most likely to obey. Practice an impression of that voice eight to ten minutes a day for six years, or eight hours for two days. Then, whenever there are socks in the floor, tell her in your impression, "The socks on your floor... those devils are plotting on us. I saw them talking to your underwear yesterday... while they were going through you particulars. They must be washed of their shame and foot sweat!" If she answers, you must reply with the following.

“Well, yeah… You’re just a mystery wrapped in an enigma and stuffed inside a box of… of Girl Scout cookies.”

This will confuse her enough to forget about popping your head like a bottle cap. Chances are good, Sushi Socks, that this will work out for you! If it doesn't, just let me know and... uh... if she doesn't, you know, chop off your head. Then we'll call the police or something, and see if they can do impressions.


[#top]

Cat Love

Mr. Saint,

Your cat, Jinx, is such a cutie! I just love those stripes! Don't you think he'd be a great match for Lilo?

Love, Vicki


Mr. Saint: See, I'd love to answer that question. I would, except I fear litigation. The unfortunate truth is that Jinx is already suing me for putting his picture on the internet. He thinks that all those pictures of him playing and sleeping will ruin his career as a court jester for the WC Red Socks. You know, dancing at halftime and beating the stuffing out of drunks so that the crowd will ignore the team struggling to recover from their collective hangover.

As for Jinx and Lilo... the honest truth is that Jinx thinks he's a dog. And this isn't the typical Mr. Saint goofism, it's the absolute truth. Jinx was raised around dogs, and is perfectly comfortable around them. Show him a cat, though, and he freaks out. My Persian cat, Priss, taught us that. So Jinx and Lilo would end up like a pier six brawl before it was over.

He is cute, though!


[#top]

You could be a model!

To Jinx, care of Mr. Saint,

Congratulations! It has come to our attention that you have a beautiful, graceful figure, with interest-grabbing stripes. Please do us the honour of modeling for us at the International Pumpkin Carving Convention this year in Newtownabbey, UK. If you are interested, please contact me at minou@ccc.com, before October 10.

Sincerely,
Kailie Minou, Agent
Carpathian Cat Modeling Company

PS: Please accept this special gift, zombification.zip, as a token of our friendship.

Mr. Saint: Hang on, he's conferring with legal council. 

...

Okay. First off, he tells me that he will from now on be known as The Artist who will soon be known as Mr. President. Oh, no, wait, he changed his mind. That's a cat for ya.

Jinx is iffy about vampires. And since we all know that the Carpathian mountains sit pretty with Romania, we have deduced that you, Kailie Minou, are actually a werewolf in the employ of vampires. We have uncovered your scheme to display the pure virtue that is Jinx to your old world of bloodlust and garlic aversion, and assure you that vampire hunters are en route.

Jinx also dislikes pumpkin, so... ah... expect some pumpkin hunters too.


[#top]

I don't know what's going on!

To Mr. Saint,

I have a serious problem that I can't really understand. Every harvest moon, I can't help but to go outside. It's like there's another person inside me, threatening to rip me apart if I don't go and bathe in the moonlight. But I can't remember anything that happens after I see the silver light! I just wake up the next morning on my front lawn. I'm so worried. Have you any inkling of advice for me?

From, Arie

Mr. Saint: Dear Arie, there are two answers to this question. One serious, one not.

Serious: Do not sleep alone during the harvest moon. Make certain that someone who can vouch for your location during the night is with you, so that you can know in the morning where you have been. Consider taking one sleeping pill the night before, so you can rest.

Unserious: The truth is not what you might think. We have already received a letter from a werewolf this month, and the odds of receiving letters from two werewolves in a single month are, at best, slim. I believe that the harvest moon simply coincides with various frat parties occuring in your area, and that person inside you is actually the devestating mixture of wine, vodka, malt liquor, and beer nuts screaming to get out. 

Whenever you go upon a night of debauchery and/or alcoholic binge, always remember that whatever you're drinking that night is what you should be drinking the rest of the night. When you mix alcohols you inevitably create the urge to burp, then womit, which explains the 'ripping' aspect. Your stomach simply cannot handle the different drink compositions... it's similar to eating Belgian waffles and then having a hamburger followed by ice cream.

As for the bathing in the moonlight, this is simply drunken hedonism. However, if any nudity is involved, we here at WC Monthly wish to inform you that photographic evidence is required to, ah, corroborate your story. Yeah.

Waking up on your lawn without being able to remember anything is simply blacking out, or as we in the know call it, "you're better off not knowing why your tongue has gone dry, so your body deigns to forget". 

Good luck with that, though! 


[#top]

Autumn Veggies

Dear Mr. Saint,

I just love the kind of food that's available in autumn! Pumpkin pie is the greatest! What's your favourite fall vegetable?

~ Kindred Spice

Mr. Saint: Dear Kindred Spice... what is my favorite fall vegetable? That's easy.

Meat.

But my second favorite fall vegetable is probably corn... I don't know if it's traditionally associated with fall, but I always do. Corn is simply a multi-purpose, tasty vegetable that, while not terribly nutritious, is certainly not bad for you and make excellent filler in vegetable soup. It is also cheap, plentiful, and colorful. Besides, one must respect vegetables that can be popped and become even better.

Just as that guy once said, 'the flower that follows the sun does so even on cloudy days.' This is taken to mean that we who eat corn regularly are still convinced, despite scientific evidence, that it has lots of vitamins and such. Corn pie, however, is not good.



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