Welcome to the judging section for [Mister Saint]'s The Valediction Contest. On this wiki page I will illustrate my judgments on the pieces entered this contest, based upon the following criteria. These criteria were listed upon the contest page before it was posted at Flipside and will be applied to each contestant equally, with one small exception. A small measure of leeway was provided for any entrants for whom English was not a native tongue. Said leeway is slight, however, so please know that no contestation of this policy will be listened to. ^^
All entrants, I know I don't have to tell you this, but please keep in mind that my judgments are meant to be as professional as possible. No remark is meant to be taken as a personal attack or criticism, only as my honest ideas upon the writing. Yes, I had already made my decision before re-reading the stories today. However, I took the time to re-read them in the case that I might have been wrong. Use my ideas to improve your future endeavors in writing, and don't get angry if I gave you a low score.
Section Directory
[#Section Directory]
[#Criteria of Judgment]
[#Table of Entries]
[#Final Scores and Closing Remarks]
Reviews
[#Saudade]
[#Farewell]
[#Valediction Entry]
Criteria of Judgment
[#Section Directory]
Theme-oriented criteria
1. There shall be no killing, death, dying, blood, demons, illness, cutting, or other similar elements in this story.
2. The story is to be a romance.
3. Any genre, any race is okay.
4. Happy ending, happy progression. No tragedies.
5. Be creative! A valediction, in literature, is a farewell speech. Make sure that you imply to where your person is going.
6. The scene must have only two characters.
Non-theme oriented criteria
1.
Creativity: whether the story is innovative, or just a rehash of a common scene. 20/100 points.
2.
Grammar and Spelling: 20/100 points.
3.
Adherence to Theme: Does the story contain all the necessary elements? If not, does it remain loyal to the overall theme? 45/100 points.
4.
Overall Effect: How the story affected me personally. The smallest category as it is opinion. 15/100 points.
Table of Entries
[#Section Directory]
1. [
chuchutrain]:
63.Valediction Entry Word Count - 631.
2. [
Burning Inside]:
233.Short Stories.Farewell 1,138 words.
3. [
Kuzco]:
212.Saudade 1513 words.
Results
212.Saudade
[#Section Directory]
1.
Creativity: [
Kuzco]'s approach to this story was interesting in that he went with a historical fiction approach, a personal darling of mine and one of my all-time favorite writing styles. For those who didn't know, Pedro Alváres Cabral was a real explorer at the beginning of the sixteenth century A.D. ([
Kuzco] used a.c. instead) whose trip to India was sidetracked severely enough that he ended up in Brazil. Outside of a few opinion details, the history in this story is more or less accurate. Unfortunately, historical fiction in most contexts does not involve a great deal of creativity, and I cannot allocate a perfect score for a biography. However, the dialogue scenes between the explorer and his wife lend enough non-historical writing to the story to earn it some points.
Score: 13 / 20 points.
2.
Grammar and Spelling: (Note that some degree of leeway was allowed for this author) The spelling in this story was, overall, quite acceptable. There were a number of grammatical errors that I would like to address, though.
Believing the world was plane, monsters ruled the sea and in legends as old as the Roman Empire, the Portuguese...
The use of the word 'plane' is incorrect here. Replacing it with 'a plane', 'flat', or 'planar', would make the sentence correct. Also, note that the part of the sentence after the comma is somewhat awkward. The usage of the word 'and' is slightly confusing. Rewriting the sentence as 'Believing the world was planar, and that monsters ruled the sea as in legends as old as the Roman Empire' might help to clarify the meaning.
The year is 1500 a.c.; Portuguese sailor Pedro Alváres Cabral readies thirteen caravels to go on a familiar journey that would end up in the discovery of Brazil. Dozens, maybe hundreds went on that expedition, many lost in time, and one of them was a family man and all around party guy who needed more money.
Notice the tense switch in this passage. The overall story is written in the past tense (he said, I walked), but this passage switched briefly to present tense (he says, I walk), and then back to past. Tense switches should always be avoided, unless a particular story aspect necessarily calls for it (i.e. switching to a brief dream scene or something). I must also call into question the character's description as an 'all around party guy', as it doesn't seem to fit either the character or the tone of the story.
- Pedro knows what he’s doing my love…he won’t just get lost and hit some African rock on the way.
In this line of dialogue, I was confused at first as to who Pedro referred to. Until just a few minutes ago I thought that the main character was Cabral himself, as the main character wasn't mentioned by name. This could be clarified by providing some descriptive verbiage between lines of dialogue... though I am slightly uncomfortable with the dashed dialogue system (I did not deduct points for it, though). I must point out that having no descriptive verbiage between long back-and-forth exchanges produces a muddled effect that stymies the reader's attention.
He left his house into the harbour and from there to one of the caravels where he accommodated himself and then came outside to see the families of a hundred men wave and shout, preaching “saudade” and love in their farewell.
His wife couldn’t be here because she was pregnant, too much of a risk in this chaos. But he can’t help but smile. Their sending off was glorious, loud and deafening exactly as legends sing it. It encourages the most cowardly of men, and he was no coward. He waved back as the caravels started moving and gaining distance.
Note the tense switch in this passage as well.
The biggest grammatical problems I see in this story revolve around misused words or extra words, overuse of commas where parenthesis or a semicolon might be appropriate, and tense switching. These are small issues, really, that the writer should be able to work out with a bit of practice.
Score: 12 / 20 points.
3:
Adherence to Theme: This story was definitely a romance, and I love how it was written with an already-marrie
d couple. The easy way out would have been to choose to star-crossed lovers and write from their perspective, but [Kuzco] went in a different direction. There were only two characters, the explorer and his wife. The character's departure was certainly farewell-worthy. The only death that occurred in this story occurred as a statistic, as opposed to an actual scene, and the ending was a happy one despite its regretful overtones. Quite acceptable. ^^
Score: 43 / 45 points.
4. Overall Effect: I have a soft spot for historical fiction. I love learning about other societies, but I heartily dislike all the nationalism and racism that occurs between my society and others in the modern world. That's why historical fiction intrigues me so. I could relate to Maria's opinion, as well, though I must note that the Muslims who 'wanted to kill them' (the explorers) did so because the Portuguese wished to convert them to Christianity and ended up bombarding an Indian city. We take the bad with the good. ^^ However, the story had a pleasant effect, and I felt like I had learned something.
Score: 13 / 15 points.
Total Score: 81 / 100 points.
233.Short Stories.Farewell
[#Section Directory]
1. Creativity: This story, while not totally uncreative, is a very common scenario that most of us guys have experienced at one time or another. In teen-angst type stories we see this theme quite often... however, with this particular author I must admit that I did not deduct as many points as I could have. Based on [Burning Inside]'s other work, turning around and doing a romance story was no small feat for him.
Score: 10 / 20 points.
2. Grammar and Spelling: I must admit to having something of a chip on my shoulder concerning this aspect of this author's work. I came in expecting to find a great number of spelling errors throughout, but I was thankfully proven wrong in my expectations as I didn't notice the glut I'd expected. However, the grammar in this story was... weak, for lack of a more powerful word. Misuse of prepositions and commas runs rampant from start to finish, and there are several instances of misused words, run-on sentences, and choppy sentences. Reading this story made me feel awkward, as some sentences found me pausing every few words and others never let me pause at all. I simply don't have time to go through and point out examples, as I would need to copy/paste almost the entire story to catch them all. I suggest a refresher course in grammar, one that I am sure your fellow Flipsiders can help provide.
Starting the next day Lucas began to compile all of his extra change for a trip to Australia.
This line appears at the end of the story, and while it is a beautiful line that provides a hopeful ending to an otherwise tragic story, it contains one massive grammatical flaw... a perspective switch. This story is written, in its entirety, in first person perspective, but this line switches to third person. I found that the author made a wise decision in adding the line to the story and thus fulfilling the thematic requirements, but a perspective switch is a very big deal.
Score: 5 / 20 points.
3.Adherence to Theme: Check. The ending, while not happy in the least, inspired hope. Contained a farewell, was a romance (yes, unrequited love counts), had only two characters, and did imply where the character would be going. No morbid elements.
Score: 40 / 45 points.
4.Overall Effect: It was a very moving story, but it just didn't spark that warm and fuzzy feeling I was looking for by demanding a happy progression with a happy ending. Again, that the author is writing outside of his genre allows me to be more generous with the points than I might have otherwise.
Score: 11 / 15 points
Total Score: 66 / 100 points
63.Valediction Entry
[#Section Directory]
1.Creativity: The scene centers around a man about to leave for flight school, and a woman who he is leaving behind. The setup is not a tremendously creative one, not really, however... the way things are conveyed is interesting, and while not the most novel approach I've ever seen, certainly this way is not the most commonplace either. The idea that the spoken symbol of their love only appeared just before they parted is a nice touch. The way the characters interacted had me on the verge of losing my tough-guy image ^-^.
Score: 14 / 20 points.
2. Grammar and Spelling: I didn't find a great deal of grammatical errors in this one, and I'm proud to say that spelling errors in all three entries were negligible. For this story, there were only two primary grammatical offenders.
“I love you.” She told him sincerely.
When a quotation ends before the sentence does, the next word after the quotation mark should only be capitalized if it is a proper noun (Philadelphia, Mary, WritersCo). This occurs a few times in this story. This sentence, for example, should read...
"I love you," she told him sincerely.
The other grammar quirk is less of a grammar quirk and more of a writing-in-general quirk. A good writer must take care not to use too many pronouns together.
She would surely miss him with her whole heart and more. He had given her so much and now they were parting ways. He was going off to finish his training as a pilot which would take years. “I love you.” She told him sincerely.
These sentences feel a little bit pointed due to the use of so many pronouns (he, she, it words, that replace nouns) in a small space. Using the character's name or even a stock epithet (a word or phrase used in place of a name. For example, in Greek Mythology, the goddess Athena is often referred to as 'the grey-eyed goddess' instead of by her name). Pronouns are fine, but to be used, like anything else, in moderation.
Score: 17 / 20 points
3. Adherence to theme: I don't really need to detail this. All the parts were there: romance, a departure, indication of destination, two characters, happy progression despite the not quite so happy ending, and no morbid elements occurred.
Score: 40 / 45 points.
4. Overall Effect: I absolutely loved this story. It made my little heart ache. It was beautifully written, conveying a sense of real emotion that I myself strive to reach in my own work but only rarely manage to graze. I was extremely impressed by this story.
Score: 15 / 15 points.
Total Score: 86 / 100 points.
Final Scores and Closing Remarks
[#Section Directory]
Saudade: 81 / 100 points.
Farewell: 66 / 100 points.
Valediction Entry: 86 / 100 points.
In closing, I must say that all three of the entries were solid scenes with excellent storytelling and a lot of feeling behind them. Ironing out your knowledges of grammar will quickly turn you into first class writers! Thank you all for participating.
Winner!! Winner!!
Winner!! Winner!!
The Valediction Contest, hosted and judged by [Mister Saint].
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