[-deleted-]: 16.Ruthless.Pr | Rating: 0.00 |
2005-05-11 ArchangelGabriel: Seating should be sweating
2005-05-11 -deleted-: Thanks ^^
2005-05-19 Shh: Great storyline! However, there are lots of spelling and grammatical mistakes. I don't mean to offend you, but I think with a little more editing, this story could really be better! :D
2005-05-19 -deleted-: Yep, i know. As I've stated on the main page I wrote this on notepad which doesn't have a spell check on. I will get around to editing it soon, thanks for the comment.
2005-06-01 jesska: "that the mobster stood in front of him was part of" this sentence was at first hard to understand. I had to read it twice, an easier way to word it perhaps would be to write something like "that the shadow (mobster) was a part of." i added mobster in brackets because i thought that word could optionably be removed from that line. and the word 'however' (the first time used in the second paragraph) alternativly could be 'just'. You seem to be missing a word in the second paragraph between " experienced mobsters in the ---- and he had...." otherwise i thik this prolouge is a great strat to what sounds like a very god story.
2006-02-19 iippo: Hey, I stumbled by from that critique-wiki. This is looking excellent. Few grammatical pointers to enhance it: On the fourth line of the first paragraph killers should be killer's (possessive instead of plural, yes?) And in the third last line of the second paragraph, this was one of the most experienced mobsters in the and seems that there should be something before and... In the town? In the world? And have a play at how many different words for 'mobster' you can come up with. Synonyms can really spice up a story. :)